#1. Elon Musk, Tray Tables, and You

First time's a charm?

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for signing up for this newsletter! I’m really excited to write some fun silly stuff for you all, and to have a place to keep interested people apprised of what I’m up to in general. Mostly, though, it’ll be full of pep talks for public figures, inanimate objects, general types of people, and specific readers. This is NOT a newsletter for advice! So many more qualified people do those! I’m just here to hype you up, but I will try to hype responsibly.

This project is very much a work in progress, so please bear with me as I figure it out, and feel free to let me know if there’s any part of the experience that you especially like (or if there’s a feature you think would be a nice addition). This week’s newsletter starts silly but gets progressively more sincere as it goes along, which was fun for me to write and hopefully will be fun for you to read. It’s also a little long since I tried a whole bunch of different things. I don’t know whether that’s an “I’m sorry!” or a “You’re welcome!” situation though!

Okay, here we go!

Hooray,
Josh

THE PEP TALKS

ELON MUSK

Rough week, huh?

Hey, big guy. You really biffed it, huh? I mean, I guess some people might consider it a flex to spend $44 billion on a company only to immediately start piledriving its value straight through Earth’s crust. But those people don’t know what they’re talking about. In reality, it’s more like you ran balls-first into a fire hydrant and are now writhing around on the ground in pain, metaphorically speaking of course.

But all is not lost! I know you’re obsessed with seeming like a suave, Bruce Wayne type (a charismatic rich guy who is always in the news and has weird, specific ideas about parenthood). And acquiring Twitter didn’t bring you closer to your goal. However, your horrible/doomed plan for allowing anyone to purchase Twitter Verified status for $8 did result in a sizable hit to pharma giant Eli Lilly’s stock price. So you’re not exactly Batman, but you may have accidentally turned into The Joker. And that’s not nothing; you incidentally prompted some pretty sharp satire! Plus, your biggest fans probably think The Joker is a pretty cool guy (because they have bad taste and don’t understand art).

On balance, you’ve inadvertently injected an element of chaos into our late capitalist dystopia (legitimately funny) and intentionally emboldened the worst people on the internet to ramp up their hate speech (disgusting, but congrats I guess?). And, in the end, it might only end up costing you roughly the GDP of Serbia, according to this one website whose accuracy I didn’t bother to verify. I can’t imagine any financial loss will impact your life in any material way. You are so rich that the very idea of money is abstract to you. You probably look at a crisp $100 bill and think only of how good Ben Franklin must have had it before modern condom-wearing etiquette was developed. So as a moment of solace amidst your week of being repeatedly pantsed by anyone with an internet connection who felt like dropping your drawers, enjoy the fact that as frequently and aggressively as you show your ass, you’re too rich for anything to ever really bite you in it.

You’ve also (once again, inadvertently) done a great service for the rest of us. By running your multi billion dollar company through a series of inane and impulsive public statements, you’ve reminded us that large social media platforms don’t care about us at all, but the communities we’ve formed on these platforms are real and precious. The way an idea hatched in a dream almost always disappears if you don’t write it down, these communities too may well dissipate without warning if we don’t work to preserve them. So, thanks, Elon, for reminding us to take care of each other, because you don’t give a shit about us.

Now go put some ice on those (metaphorical) balls. Or just convince yourself that your business genius nutsack put a dent in the (metaphorical) fire hydrant you ran into. I couldn’t care less. You’ll be fine either way.

AIRPLANE TRAY TABLES

Is anyone else stressed out that the beverage isn’t in the beverage bunker?

Tray tables, you probably don’t hear this often, but you are the unsung heroes of the airplane. Maybe you’re not as technically crucial as the wheels and wings and engines. But you are more reliable than the wi-fi and more pleasant to use than the bathrooms. You are slightly too small for our laptops, sure, but that’s not your fault. You are exactly the right size for one of those sweaty little sandwiches they sell at the airport, and your shallow beverage bunker is nearly always effective in keeping our ginger ale (or time-inappropriate rum and Coke) steady. And, in a pinch, we can rest our heads on you and nap like bored high school students. When it’s time to stow you in the upright position for landing, the disappointment in the cabin is palpable, which means you’re beloved and vital. So thank you for all you do, airplane tray tables. You’re reliable and practical and often taken for granted, but without you, our laps would be a mess.

PEP TALKS FOR READERS

It's Jan from Berlin, Germany. I would like a pep talk that it is a good idea to start my own coffee roaster company. In these times (Ukraine invasion, inflation, rising costs of living) and as a person living with mental illness. - Jan (obviously

I recently opened a plant shop in Santa Babara. This has been in the works for a couple of years and doors are finally open. In order to support myself, I’m still working part-time doing events which is pretty exhausting. I’m constantly anxious that by not giving either company enough attention, and I’ll fail at both. And I am desperate for this shop to succeed. I want to live on 100% plants, 0% parties. Unless they’re plant parties of course, that sell a lot of plants. I’m feeling very: failure is not an option! But if I’m being honest, failure is an option but it would break my heart and make me very sad - L.D.

These pep talk requests didn’t come to me together, but they feel so related that I’m replying to both at once. Unless you’re MASSIVELY wealthy, it’s a big undertaking to start up a business on your own. And, if you are massively wealthy, just refer back to my pep talk for Elon Musk and apply it to your own life as you see fit.

Jan, from L.D.’s message, starting your own endeavor seems like an intense step to take. But look at how thrilling and fulfilling the good parts of it are! LD, from Jan’s message, it seems relevant to consider the feeling from before you took this big step. The uncertainty, the longing. You conquered those obstacles!!! That’s huge!!!

Most of us have to have some kind of job, and why not have the job you want for as long as you can sustain it? I would not advise you to engage in risky, Uncut Gems gambling or sell off internal organs (or external ones) to finance this kind of enterprise, but what do I know? I already said I’m not here to give advice! Good luck living your dreams! And, if it doesn’t work out quite how you’d hope, you can always get new dreams! Not to mention that a good job isn’t the only thing that makes your life worthwhile, and having other things to take pleasure/pride in will help the professional successes feel sweeter and make the disappointments easier to take!

Hi! I would love a pep talk for meeting what I call "pandemic friends" in real life for the first time. These are people I wouldn't have met if not for the pandemic + the internet. It's always really anxiety producing to take the relationship offline, no matter how happy I am to get together. I think it's a combination of worrying they'll feel catfished (!) because it's easier to curate and edit your online persona (so definitely some self esteem struggles there) and also that it's still incredibly weird to socialize still, after what we've all been through these last few years (I feel so awkward all the time!) - Larissa

Hi, Larissa! It is very generous of you to voice this anxiety that a lot of people are probably having around this time! Here’s the good news: You are probably not a fraud. If you were, you’d spend less time worrying about people thinking you are a fraud and more time scheming about how to get people to believe falsehoods about you. Actual impostors don’t say things like: “I’m worried my real life personality doesn’t live up to my curated online persona.” They say things like: “I am a wealthy heiress, but I’m short on cash, so please extend me a massive line of credit at your hotel until I’m back on my feet.” It’s a super weird time, in a lot of bad ways. But a small comfort is that other people have experienced that weirdness too, and so they probably understand why you might feel a little uneasy about things, and maybe that mutually acknowledged unease will make things a little easier.

Hey Josh! I need a pep talk as a new mom. My baby is 10 weeks old and my husband finally went back to work (I’m not working until January). It’s been a hard transition and I just need something to remind me I’m a good mom! Thank you!!!! - Anonymous

Hi, Anonymous! Having a new baby seems SO HARD!!! But, from my understanding, as rigorous as the experience is, you are probably doing great at it. You are almost assuredly not leaving a Siberian tiger in charge of your baby for long stretches of time. And I doubt that you have fed the baby Elmer’s Glue because it’s the same color as milk. As tough as it is, you are doing great at it (although I’m sure you could always use a little more help or a lot more rest, which is incredibly reasonable)!!! (Also it’s not my place to put the picture of your baby that you sent me online, but you have a very cute baby, so good work on that too, genetically speaking!)

I worry I lack the strength and fortitude to push myself to achieve the career goals I want for myself. I want to be a published writer with a book under my name on the shelves and I know the opportunity is out there for me, and I struggle to grasp it and every time I miss I worry it's maybe going to be always just out of reach. - Niko

Niko!!! You are absolutely strong and fortitudinous (which is apparently a real word???) enough to accomplish this goal! Think about how many absolute dweebs and twerps have written books that have made it to shelves! J.D. Vance wrote a (bad) book that people liked enough to make him a (presumably bad) Senator, and he’s basically a bunch of wadded up pages from a copy of The Alchemist stuffed into a button down shirt from GANT. Your near misses aren’t finite, like marbles in a jar labeled “CHANCES.” They are more like bricks you’re putting down one at a time so your eventual success is as sturdy as possible! You are thoughtful and talented and can build the creative/professional life you dream of on that foundation. I do not know whether you WILL write a book, but you definitely CAN (and should, imo).

UPCOMING TOUR DATES

If you enjoy this newsletter, maybe come see me tell jokes in person?

11/16 - City Winery in Atlanta

11/17 - Growlers in Memphis

11/18-11/19 - Planet of the Tapes in Louisville (four shows)

11/25-11/26 - Laugh Boston in Boston (four shows)

More info and dates available at joshgondelman.com/schedule!

I also have a standup special called People Pleaser that’s free to watch for Prime members in the U.S. and available to rent for everyone else! (I think Vimeo is the easiest place to rent it internationally.) It’s totally different from the hour that I’m doing on tour!

And, of course, if you enjoyed this newsletter, it would mean a lot of you shared it!

Okay! Thanks for reading, everyone! Stay great, and I’ll see you next week!
- Josh