#116. Coffee Drinkers and You

Don't even talk to me until I've had my trade war.

Hi everyone,

America had a bad week, but in the small picture I had kind of a nice one, which I hope is not some kind of Dorian Gray type of trend. It would be pretty unreasonable of me to be (accidentally!!!) frittering away the civil rights of people in the United States just so I can have a fun time having brunch with my friends on a weekday morning or riff a few new lines to a new standup bit in a bar backroom.

I spent the weekend in San Francisco for Sketchfest which is always a blast. The 2020 festival was my last out-of-town gig before everything stopped for a while (sorry to bring that up), so I remember it with both great fondness and apocalyptic fear. But this year was just lovely. I did guest monologues for an improv show Workjuice with an absolutely stacked cast of performers, and I got to do my favorite thing which was stand over on the side of the stage and mostly just watch an excellent show happen. I told a bunch of stories about how embarrassing I was at age 20 (Hi, Sarah!) and also at age 29 (I love you, Maris!). Improv, to me, is like sushi: When it’s great, it’s basically magic. And when it’s bad, I want to be sick.

On Saturday, I competed in Comedian Clash (for legal reasons, I will not say which other alliterative game show it is based on) which was also so much fun. Although, our team did have a quiz show ringer in the person of forty-time Jeopardy champion Amy Schneider, so it would have felt a little rough if we’d lost. I am secretly so competitive when it comes to leisure games despite doing nothing to be good at them, which is itself a rocky combination of traits. That night, Alison Leiby and I hosted our Sup, Bro? show at Cobb’s Comedy Club, a room I’ve performed in a whole bunch of times and always love. The crowd was really, really great, and all the comics (Paul F. Tompkins, Dave Mizzoni, Dulcé Sloan, Aparna Nancherla) killed. Thanks to the festival for bringing us out, and to everyone who came to and performed on the show! What a blast!

Also, Alison and I have a recurring bit where we ask people to voice petty concerns and complaints that persist in spite of much greater horrors. We then have the whole audience shout out their validation of those petty complaints. So, in that spirit, if you’ve got something small that’s been a figurative pebble in your figurative shoe lately, feel free to leave a comment for validation! (And feel free to validate, as a reader as well!)

Yesterday Maris and I met up in Los Angeles, where we will be for the week. We were a little shoddy about planning things to do and people to see because we kept teetering on the brink of cancelling the trip altogether. We didn’t know if it would feel tactless to visit in the wake of the fires, honestly. But we are here now! I’m doing a short standup spot tonight and then a few on Wednesday, which is extraordinarily New Yorky of me to attempt. Let’s see if I make it to all of them! (Info is below.)

Oh also, before I left New York, I got to host the premiere of the upcoming season of Taskmaster. I’d done a similar event last spring with Greg Davies and Alex Horne in a teeny comedy club that waaaaaay oversold tickets. It was a ton of fun (for at least most of the people who made it in) but also a little hectic. This time the premiere was in Town Hall which is a big beautiful theater, and it was an even better experience. Alex and Greg are so funny and so nice. Plus, doing this made a lot of my close friends extremely jealous, which is of course why I got into comedy in the first place. Jkjkjkjk, it’s just a fringe perk.

Photo by Helen Rosner. Sweater a birthday present from my parents.

After two days of catching up with old friends and staying up late (and my time-zone frazzled body feeling like it’s even later) I’m glad to be in a city where people think a lot about vitamins and the bars close early. Next week I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled grinding of my body to dust on the east coast as God (the Jewish one) intended me to do.

ALSO: I was on the most recent episode of Another Day with Ana Marie Cox as well as The Catered Quiz. (On the quiz show I was VERY on edge to seem smart! I hope it comes off as funny and not aggressive!)

PEP TALK FOR COFFEE DRINKERS

Honestly, the city of Boston should start claiming that “Beantown” is a coffee thing. These are definitely the coolest beans.

On Sunday, our new old president became furious (his resting state, to be fair) at the nation of Colombia for not accepting two planes full of migrants that the U.S. government had turned away. He declared that the United States would levy a 25% tariff on goods imported from Colombia, which would be increased to 50% in a week. Ultimately, the trade war did not come to pass. But, it’s worth noting that a downstream effect of a massive tariff on Colombian goods would (likely) have been elevated prices for U.S. coffee drinkers.

Putting aside for a moment that Donald Trump often cries “Tariff!” the way guys in the street shout “Go fuck yourself!” (not as a literal threat…who wants to see that act of anatomical dexterity?…but as a general expression of menace), let’s talk about the underlying issue here, which is, to me, this: The Trump administration is willing to risk inconveniencing (or more substantially financially weakening) U.S. citizens to preserve his ability to treat the many groups of people they hate (non-citizens, people of color, LGBTQIA people, women in general) more cruelly.

If you’ll permit me an overwrought analogy (which, at this point in the newsletter, I don’t know why you wouldn’t) the whole thing feels like stealing someone’s bowling ball, just to drop it out the window onto the head of a pedestrian. Sure, it’s bad to steal a bowling ball, but what’s worse is that it’s in service of a much more vicious goal.

We are in for four years of both stolen bowling balls and also bowling balls falling from the sky. (It’s kind of the whole premise of DOGE. Funneling public funding away from essential uses and deploying it for anti-social, inequitable goals.) It’s going to feel bad, and it’ll hurt some people way worse than others. It’s going to be imperative to take care of our heavy sporting apparatus, both for the purposes of retaining what’s ours and protecting people from its misuse.

(Inserting a “keep your eye on your balls” joke here, just so nobody makes it in the comments.)

In short, it seems like coffee is going to stay the same financial price, but at a much greater human cost. It’s not a trade-off we need to celebrate, nor is it one that was necessary to make. That doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy our coffee! It simply means we should should think broadly about who’s being put at risk to keep us (whoever us is in a given situation) “safe”.

PEP TALK FOR A READER

I edited this request a bunch, but the thrust of it is the same!

I am in love with my dearest friend.

She is one of the best people the planet has ever had. She is whip smart, funny, energetic, up for any activity and just so friggin beautiful.

Also, she has been an emotional rock for me after my brain injury.

I told her how I feel about her years ago, when I had a girlfriend (judge me). She does not reciprocate. I accept that. We have become the closest friends can be.

Sometimes, I have this strong urge to just either kiss her or ask her why she won’t date me. Of course, I respect her boundaries and would never break them. I want her in my life however I can have her.

How can I help myself to carry this burden and not let it get me down?

- Friend Without Benefits (Except For Friendship)

Hello, FWB(EFF) [note: nickname chosen by me]. It may feel like you’re between a rock (carrying your feelings around with you in secret) and a hard place (pursuing a romantic relationship with your friend who has told you she’s not interested in that dynamic). In reality, you are in a much better position: You have a friend! That’s terrific! It is special any time you have someone in your life you care about a lot and who cares about you! This is not glass-half-full “wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend” comfort. It is real!

Your current situation may feel like a conflict, but it’s not! It’s just good! Most people don’t want to date most people, and that’s fine. You will not date (conservative estimate) 7.5 billion of the people on the planet. There are so many not-fish in the sea. The number of people you will fall in love with is a single bead of sweat in a rainstorm compared to the number of people you will not kiss, even if you are one of those people for whom sex seems like their only hobby. (Unlike me, a guy who…uhhh..watches basketball. Is that a hobby?) Many of these non-lovers are strangers. Some of them are friends. It rarely helps to learn why they’re not into you, in my experience. It’s basically never something like: “You haven’t answered my riddles three!” Usually it’s something you can’t change or don’t want to. Again, that’s okay!

It can be stressful to not get what you want, but viewing your amorous feelings towards your friend as a burden is a little like resenting your car for not having helicopter blades. A friendship is a friendship! One of the best things there is!

I don’t want to give advice (because I’m a dummy and I’d prefer not to ruin your life with my unhelpful thoughts) but I do feel confident that finding a partner who reciprocates your feelings will alleviate some of the strain you’ve been feeling. Maybe that requires a step back from your best friend (a smart idea that my wife had), or maybe it just means opening yourself up to more and different possibilities. If you allow yourself to receive the gift of this friendship for what it is, it might help you find someone to share the gift of romantic love with too (to be clear: a different person).

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
Craig Finn - “People of Substance”

Oh hell yeah there’s a new Craig Finn solo track produced by Adam Granduciel from The War On Drugs? Say less, as they say more and more.

It’s about wanting to feel better but not feeling better enough yet! Relatable! It sounds great! Craig is such an evocative lyricist! There’s maybe no current songwriter who deploys irony so gently to undermine the narrators of his own songs. I love it!

I’ve been on kind of a run of classic rock/indie rock guys, but if I can’t be honest about what I’ve been listening to in this newsletter, where can I be honest?

Can’t wait for the whole album, obviously.

UPCOMING SHOWS

I’m currently popping around Los Angeles, but I’ve also got a whole bunch of shows back home in NYC coming up, plus a few fun things on the road!

1/27: Superbloom at the Elysian Vault (Los Angeles)

1/29: Apartment Show, Better Half, and Adult Entertainment (Los Angeles)

2/5: Freddy’s Backroom (Brooklyn)

2/7: Don’t worry about it.

2/8: Circle Round Live Recording (Boston)

2/9: What’s New? at Union Hall (Brooklyn)

2/10: Funhouse at Pete’s Candy Store (Brooklyn)

2/13: Commune and Wild East Brewing (Both in Brooklyn)

2/16: Young Ethel’s

2/17: Co-Hosting Frankenstein’s Baby at Union Hall (Brooklyn)

2/23: Beauty Bar (Manhattan)

2/27: Kelsey McKinney’s Book Launch (Philadelphia)

3/11: The Backspace at Nod Hill (Ridgefield, CT)