
Hi everyone,
Sorry again for another few-hours-late newsletter! I’m still on west coast time, and I was visiting family all weekend. So my free newsletter that I write out of…a fear of disappearing entirely I guess…is a little behind schedule. But now here we go!
On Saturday morning I was sitting on a restaurant patio in Los Angeles with Maris and our friend Emily when a little girl, maybe two years old, walked over and offered me a packet of Stevia. “Thank you,” I said. “That’s very generous of you, and I appreciate your kindness.” She smiled and toddled (age appropriate method of conveyance) away.
Obviously her gift was not super helpful. I didn’t need a small amount of sweetener, especially not one a little kid had germ-fingered all over. But her enthusiasm for sharing was so charming to witness, and I wanted to encourage it. Two days later, I found the little paper tube in my shirt pocket and it made me laugh. What a wholesome interaction to have with a stranger’s kid. It reminded me of how I love road trips but don’t have a car.
We lucked out arriving in LA just as the rain was extinguishing some of the wildfires and (in my crude understanding of science) knocking most of the smoke out of the sky. It felt safe to sit outside with friends and drink coffee and to walk around as much as the city’s infrastructure accommodates and to do a bunch of shows. It was a super pleasant visit, and I hope to come back soon and see more friends and do more shows and record a bunch of podcasts.
Now I’m out in the desert with Maris’s parents who are lovely, but I’ve been away from home for a week and my back is getting a little gnarled up from sleeping on a hotel bed and an Airbnb bed in sequence. It seems like I’m going to fly home to New York briefly and then scoot up to Boston to see family and do the live Circle Round children’s radio taping at Symphony Hall (ticket link below). I hope lots of kids try to give me sugar packets afterwards, and I’m excited to finally get home for real on Sunday too.
And very quickly!
My next “What’s New?” show will be this Sunday at 5pm at Union Hall in Brooklyn! I’ve got a whole bunch of new jokes to tell, and I’ve got special guests Myq Kaplan, Carson Olshansky, and Hoodo Hersi coming by to tell jokes too! You’ll miss the kickoff of the Super Bowl if you come, but you’ll make it home in plenty of time to witness Kendrick Lamar perform an encore of Drake’s funeral dirge in front of essentially the whole world.
BUT WAIT THERE’S ANOTHER THING!
I’m coming to BUFFALO!!! People occasionally ask when I will be in Buffalo, NY, and the answer is VALENTINE’S DAY! I’m doing two shows at Helium Comedy Club, and I would love for newsletter readers to buy tickets if you’re in the area to dilute the percentage of the room that’s mad I’m not actively asking each couple how long they’ve been together and then making fun of that number of years or months.
PEP TALK FOR ANTHONY DAVIS
I don’t want to go on too long here, because I know not every reader is a big NBA fan, but I do want to offer a few words of encouragement to The Brow, a nickname whose provenance even basketball novices can glean from the above photograph.
Anthony Davis! People are really talking a lot of shit about your basketball skills because you, the tenth or fifteenth best player in the NBA, were traded by the Lakers for Luka Doncic, the third or fourth best player in the NBA. They are saying it was a bad deal for the Dallas Mavericks because you are a geriatric 31 years old in contrast to Luka’s youthful-if-occasionally-sluggish 25 years of age.
Look, big guy (an objectively accurate monicker). Tune out the noise. You are still near the top of your, and consequently the, game. You’ve made so much money. You’ve won a championship that I’d rather not talk about unless I’m besmirching it with insults that are, if I’m being honest, dubious at best. I will not light a rhetorical torch and take my readers deep into the archives of NBA rivalry lore to explain what these insults are or why they are specious. They literally did not sign up for that. But just know that I resent you for that championship, and I will make up excuses to diminish its significance.
There is literally no shame in being the twelfth best at something rather than the fourth best at that thing. There’s less glory in it, sure. But there’s no reason to feel bad about being near the top of the mountain instead of finding yourself slightly nearer to the summit. Discussions of legacy are for other people to fill time with on their podcasts, not your own satisfaction. When you do the best you can, and that best is close to the best that’s possible, you deserve to feel proud, not insufficient. The greatness of great is not diminished by the existence of greater or greatest.
If it helps, I’m personally rooting for you much more now now. As a Boston Celtics maniac, this trade condenses my birthright hatred of the Los Angeles Lakers with my recent spiteful feelings towards Luka Doncic stemming from last year’s NBA Finals matchup between the Celtics and the Mavericks. This is not “being mad.” It is actually an efficient streamlining of my emotional energy. I am excited to (as I said to a friend) turn into the Joker in a relatively benign way that takes a little of the sting out of the ongoing political Darth Vaderization I’ve been feeling. So thank you for that as well.
PEP TALK FOR ALL READERS
It appears that, heading into the weekend, before the seismic NBA trade discussed above and the honestly-pretty-good Grammy Awards, the world’s richest man (presumably by…asking the president nicely or waiting for him to doze off?) was (apparently) given access to all of America’s personal information and control over several government agencies. Some people are calling this a coup, and I’m too dumb and have been spending too much time watching Ally McBeal with my in-laws to have figured out whether I think that word applies. I’m not sure if it’s a coup when the leader of a nation is too lazy to drive a country into the ground on his own and decides to privatize that function to keep his most annoying friend busy. It is, however…bad.
If you’d like to stop here for a moment and imagine some kind of tragedy befalling Elon Musk, I welcome it. For legal reasons, let’s stick to stuff that is not a threat and maybe can’t even actually happen. Close your eyes and picture a dragon crushing him to bits with her (going by Shrek’s dragon gender science here) big old teeth and then swallowing him in little chunks. Or envision him stranded alone on Mars as a pinhole-sized leak in the oxygenated biosphere slowly allows the breathable air to escape.
That feels good, right? It doesn’t help anything, but it definitely takes a little of the edge off of the realization that all the safeguards build into American government are so many crispy dead pine needles scattered before the leaf blower of late capitalism.
It’s easy (and comfy!) to get discouraged and unplug. And, honestly, there’s only so much news even the most informed U.S. resident can consume before they’ve scratched that particular bug bite raw. It can seem really hopeless, knowing we (most people) are up against a few wealthy monsters and the folks who are lining up to gobble their boots raw and unseasoned like high-quality sashimi.
While we’ve seen some big picture pushback from Democratic governors and attorneys general (I love that pluralization, and I’m trying to be grateful for small things), it’s certainly not enough to stem the bullshit tide (nautical term) considering the proliferation of ostensibly left-leaning politicians like, I don’t know let’s pick one at random, NYC Mayor Eric Adams who seems entirely interested in stopping by the Corruption Store that is our executive branch to ease his own legal troubles.
The silver lining (which, when you think of it, is not even that great a thing) is that we don’t have to wait around for some kind of legislative solution. There are people who need help now, and we can help them any time we want. I recommend…now?
Here’s a doc of ways to be helpful and politically engaged that writer and activist Mariame Kaba put together! Not everybody has the same capacity for all forms of engagement, so it can be beneficial for both you (whoever you are) and your community to review what’s on the menu. Maybe you’re not a “call your reps” person, but you have time to volunteer at a food bank. Or maybe you are busy but have a couple of bucks to direct towards a nearby mutual aid organization. Perhaps you can learn how to use Narcan and carry some in your bag when you’re out and about.
I don’t mean to be too sincere here, but it’s a real mitzvah to do good where and when you can. And doing that helps to relieve a little of the stress over how much you can’t change even with a lot of effort and stress snacking.
PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
”Severance Opening Titles (Maris’s Version)”
Last week, our friend Bex asked my wife Maris what she thinks the words to the Severance opening titles would be, and she replied with these kind of beautiful impressionistic lyrics. (Inspired by the fact that it always seems to be snowing near Lumon hq, and some of the show is shot in the Garden State.)
Snow in New Jersey…
Snow in New Jersey…
Bitter winds
Icy storms
Bitter winds/Bitter winds
Icy storms/Icy storms
Anyway! Try not to think those words next time you hear that tinkling piano music and try to decipher what the images of the show’s opening sequence mean.
Similarly stuck in my head is this week’s bonus song “California Stars” by Billy Bragg and Wilco. One of the great pleasures of living in a big bright city is how beautiful the night sky looks when you’re anywhere else. I don’t think if I lived out in the California desert, I’d be able to maintain a nightly wonderment for the constellations (which between me and Maris we can recognize exactly one of), but for three nights a year, it’s a marvel to consider the vastness of the universe. For most of the rest of the time, I don’t need to feel so cosmically puny. Sorry, the cosmos!
UPCOMING SHOWS
I’m out and about in NYC a whole bunch coming up, plus a few shows on the road!
2/7: Don’t worry about it.
2/8: Circle Round Live Recording (Boston)
2/9: What’s New? at Union Hall (Brooklyn)
2/10: Funhouse at Pete’s Candy Store (Brooklyn)
2/13: Commune and Wild East Brewing (Both in Brooklyn)
2/14: Helium Comedy Club (Buffalo)
2/16: Young Ethel’s
2/17: Co-Hosting Frankenstein’s Baby at Union Hall (Brooklyn)
2/23: Beauty Bar (Manhattan)
2/27: Kelsey McKinney’s Book Launch (Philadelphia)
3/11: The Backspace at Nod Hill (Ridgefield, CT)
Clippers & Celtics fans uniting to reinforce their hate of Luka 🩷
Now I need to think about how Ally McBeal would handle both the Davis trade and the government coup.