#15. UFOs and YOU

Sometimes we need a little space, but space could do without us.

Hi everyone! I had a pretty busy week, and I’m going to tell you about it now!

One big thing that happened was that a group of New York Times contributors (past and present) published an open letter to the newspaper criticizing their coverage of transgender, nonbinary, and gender nonconforming people. As an occasional NYT contributor, I was proud to sign. The letter is not an across the board condemnation of the paper, just a request that it be more mindful in the way it covers certain issues. If you aren’t a contributor, but the letter’s message is something you believe in, you can sign on as a supporter if you’re a reader or subscriber.

Since the letter…opened(?), a few chumps on Twitter have accused me of wanting the Times to replace its existing bias with my own bias, and to that I say: Duh. Why would I not want something flawed to be better in a way that I think is more fair and accurate? That’s what critique is! Some people are insistent that the coverage is simply balanced, which in my opinion is a cowardly thing to aspire to! Balance isn’t the same as fairness. And it’s okay to be imbalanced if journalism is more accurate and informative that way. Otherwise, why have editors at all? Just let anyone publish whatever they want. (Which, in many prestige outlets seems to be what they let opinion columnists do already I guess.) Anyway, this newsletter is not primarily political, but as always it’s mine so sometimes it will be a little if I say so.

In less contentious news, on Wednesday I appeared on an episode of in-depth Stephen King podcast The Kingcast where we talked about The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon. We had a great time discussing being lost in the woods, diarrhea, and local auto glass repair jingles.

Plus, I took a whirlwind trip to Chicago where I was on the panel for the most recent episode of NPR’s Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me. I had some light travel delays which gave me plenty of time to argue with the aforementioned chumps on Twitter, but mostly I had a great time. Alzo Slade was so funny as a guest host, and Negin Farsad and Cristela Alonzo are two of my favorite panelists to work with!!! Reminder: I am going back to Chicago to guest host the 3/2 Wait Wait live show/recording!!!

We forgot to take this picture until we were leaving the theater after the show.

Oh also, I reviewed a cereal! (It’s basically just Lucky Charms.)

Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman

I tried @smart_MS3’s cereal Wicked Smarts (which he put out to benefit his charitable foundation). This is not sponsored. It’s for the love of the games (basketball and eating cereal).

If you’re so inclined, follow me on TikTok for more silly videos and standup clips! Isn’t that what we all want, to keep tabs on the same few people on an infinitely escalating number of platforms? (I’ll probably still embed some videos here too!)

Let’s get to it, you cold-blooded peptiles! (Oh brother, this bit stinks.)

PEP TALK FOR UFOs

A classic, non-balloon UFO.

First of all, thanks for coming all this way. That is incredibly flattering. I’m glad you made it from wherever you originated all the way to Earth. Secondly, and this is a little awkward to say, but: On behalf of the human race, I am so sorry we have defaulted to shooting you out of the sky, UFOs. Honestly, I’m not really sure what that’s about. My feeling is, if you’re dangerous enough to be worth blowing up, our Earth weapons will probably piss you off and make you want to blow us up in return. And if you’re not dangerous enough to blow up: play on, players. Enjoy our nitrogen-rich atmosphere and abundance of pizza (some of the solar system’s best, I have to imagine).

I’ll take it this far; I don’t even care that much about Chinese spy balloons. China doesn’t need any more leverage over us! We already owe them so much money! They don’t want to go to war with us. (Although they might want to break our Treasury Secretary’s thumbs, but that’s none of my business. Sorry, Janet Yellen!) And seriously, who gives a shit about “falling behind” China as a world superpower? Do we get some kind of medal for being #1? Does Alec Baldwin present us with a set of steak knives? Even if people want to be hyper-nationalistic about something, can’t we just take pride in our women’s soccer and men’s basketball teams’ performances on the international stage? Why are we also shooting down China’s balloons? Why must we risk an international incident over a carnival game!?!?

Sorry. I got a little carried away there.

UFOs, most people do not want to destroy you! Most people are curious if a little skeptical and slightly afraid. But that’s also how a lot of people feel about spicy food and abstract art. So keep doing what you’re doing! Don’t let a few skirmishes with the U.S. military slow you down! I’m sure that you almost always come in peace, and hopefully next time you show up, we’ll be more chill about it. Come again soon!

PEP TALKS FOR READERS

(I’ve done some light condensing of my communications with readers, as is my custom.)

Hi Josh - hope you’re well! I’m nearing 30 and a lot of my friends are finding stable romantic partners and I am having no luck! I got dumped just before Christmas and I’m feeling the urgency of finding someone because I’m worried I’ll get left behind. It’s a lot of pressure and it’s making me sad and stressed - I feel a lot of pressure to get back out there and keep trying or feeling guilty that if I’m not trying I’m failing and setting myself up for lonely doom. Any pep appreciated!
- Anonymous

Here’s the thing about your situation, Anonymous: It’s both incredibly stressful and also incredibly simple to write a pep talk for.

Let’s start here: You’re not behind, romantically speaking, because that’s (basically) not a thing. There is no partner track for love. Tenured positions can appear and disappear without notice. The everything’s made up, and the points don’t matter. (Yes, I did just quote directly from Whose Line Is It Anyway.)

You’ve been single for two months. That’s…fine. Sure, breakups are horrible, and it can feel painful when your friends are happily partnered and you are not. But, speaking from experience, almost nothing in the world feels better than when your friends start having babies and you continue sleeping in and being able to afford impulse purchases. (Nothing against babies! But everyone moves at their own pace towards their own destination.) You’re not behind because there’s no behind.

A romantic relationship isn’t like a job! And that’s good! You kind of have to have a job whether you want one or not, and it doesn’t really matter if it’s the right job because you can’t pay your rent with high standards and self-confidence. And, if we’re being honest, you don’t usually even want the job. You want the salary. But to get the salary, you need the job. (Once again, if you are independently super wealthy, this, as well as many things I write in this newsletter, probably doesn’t apply to you.)

Relationships are the opposite of jobs! If you go a while without having a relationship, you’re not going to run out of love. You don’t need to be increasingly frazzled because you are not going to go into a companionship debt. You may be horny or lonely, but a lot of people in relationships are those things too! (See, for reference: Most of standup comedy, half of literature literature, and lots of music.)

There are no movies about someone having a job for one night in Europe that is so beautiful and emotionally sustaining that they think about it for the rest of their life. Even The Italian Job isn’t about that! And, unlike with a job, you can get so much of what a relationship gives you without the thing itself. Companionship. Sex. Someone to complain to about that movie you hated but everyone else seems to love. Someone to tell you your outfit doesn’t match before you leave the house. Someone to text when your flight lands or doesn’t take off on time. You are not spiritually unemployed or unemployable! Your heart is just a freelancer for the time being with a flexible emotional schedule!

The beautiful part of all of this is that seeking out other kinds of fulfillment and joy does not mean sacrificing the possibility of the kind of relationship you picture for yourself. If you need a job but you aren’t applying to jobs, you’re falling behind, sure. But YOUR HEART IS ALWAYS ON THE JOB SEARCH IF YOU LET IT BE! In fact, the more you are open to happiness in all of its possible forms, the more likely you are to find yourself in a situation that makes you happy! And you don’t have to do the parts that make you feel bad and stuck. Being a human is hard enough without making yourself accountable to quarterly reports and data-driven metrics. There is more out there for you than you’ve even imagined!

In closing, my wife, who in fairness is now married (to me) wrote this essay about how nothing’s the right thing until something’s the right thing. I really love this piece, and not just because it paints me in a flattering light. Maris is such a great writer, so maybe even if nothing I said resonates, her beautiful and insightful words still will!

I could really use a pep talk to get me through to the start of the next NFL season. I just don't think the USFL is going to do it for me and as much as I know that Roger Goodell is a bad person, I like the structure his league brings me each week (for ~21 weeks). How am I going to make it?!?
- Brian, A Lions Fan

I hear you, Brian. Getting into a routine is so powerful and creates such an enduring bond! That’s why there were so many Super Bowl ads for things like Scientology and Dunkin’. But a break from your regular structure can be good too. It gives you time to explore new experiences and take stock of your priorities. And, no offense, but the other Detroit Lions fans I know always benefit psychologically from a little time apart from their, let’s say, intense relationship with the team. (And yes, I know that they finished with a winning record and there’s an uncharacteristic level of optimism surrounding next season.)

Fortunately (for viewers, but not necessarily for players’ brains and other body parts) the NFL will return by August at the latest. Sooner if you’re one of those absolute freaks who gets really into coverage of the draft! In the meantime, there are so many ways to fill a Sunday. You do not have to settle for ersatz football! Even in terms of sports, you can switch over to basketball and coast through the summer riding the wave of NCAA/NBA/WNBA coverage. Sometimes there’s tennis. And I can’t confirm this, but it feels like competitive soccer (the original football) happens 365 days a year, 24 hours a day in Europe. You could even join a Sunday afternoon rec league and play a sport yourself. Or maybe take up baking. Or journaling. Or sailing. Or joining Scientology like those ads suggest (jkjkjk).

“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans,” is a piece of wisdom that John Lennon didn’t actually come up with. But it’s true! Even truer than famous John Lennon maxim: “Imagine if things were better. Doesn’t that sound good?” Yeah, man. We all know it’s good when things are good. Sick song. But I digress. Some of the most exciting times are when you have unexpected opportunities to conquer new horizons without giving anything up. The offseason is one of those times. You know you love the Lions. But what else do you love now that you have the chance? You deserve your best shot at filling these free hours with joy! Yes, even Lions fans deserve that! To paraphrase the guy John Lennon was paraphrasing: “Life is what happens when you’re busy waiting ‘til next year.”

PICK-ME-UP SONG: M.O.P. - “Ante Up”

A lot of the songs I’ve chosen for this section of the newsletter operate at a similar overall level intensity. Whether they’re wistful, or hopeful, or rueful, a lot of my song choices are, for lack of a better term, “jaunty.” In some cases, they may rise to the level of “propulsive.”

Well, not this one. “Ante Up” is sonically and lyrically…aggressive. It makes you feel like your blood has been replaced with Four Loko (original recipe) and your brain is a nuclear reactor on the verge of a meltdown. M.O.P.’s general vibe is “sounding like they want to fight the listener.” This song specifically makes a great “Up” double-header with DMX’s “Party Up.”

Put that two-song playlist on repeat if you need to psyche yourself up for:
- Demanding a raise.
- Using karate to defeat a warehouse full of henchmen.
- Biting through a cinderblock.
- Lifting a car off a baby or throwing a car at a baby (not recommended).
- Armed robbery, of course, per the lyrics.
- Rescuing a cat from a burning building.
- Refusing to pay your taxes.
- Jumping a drawbridge on a motorcycle.

Good luck and proceed with caution.

UPCOMING TOUR DATES

3/2 - GUEST-HOSTING WAIT WAIT DON’T TELL ME IN CHICAGO!!!

3/5-3/12 - JoCo Cruise

More info and dates as well as NYC shows available at joshgondelman.com/schedule!

Okay! That’s all for now! Thanks for reading! And as always, if you enjoyed the newsletter, please subscribe and/or share it with a pal!