#21. Donald Trump and You

Sorry! At least I didn't put a picture of him in the header!

Hi everyone!

Throughout March, I kept telling friends that I was “basically home for most of the month,” even though that was verifiably untrue. I started the month by traveling to Chicago for about a week for Wait Wait, then spent a full week on the JoCo Cruise, then a weekend in New Jersey for a bat mitzvah, then had one night in Boston to see my family and tell some jokes, and finally my 31-day window ended with a 24-hour jaunt to Louisville (pronounced: LUH-vhlll) for a wedding (congratulations to Bailey and Steve, who are wonderful!!!).

I’m not sure why that schedule felt sedentary to me. I think it’s because I don’t weight personal travel the same as work travel, so the second half of the month was like being at home but in other places. That’s the nice way to think of it! Otherwise maybe I have some kind of…schedule dysmorphia? Does anyone else have this?

I am back doing serious comedy travel later this month starting with a weekend at Dead Crow Comedy in Wilmington, NC on 4/21-4/22! And, I forgot to mention last week that I recently appeared on a live episode of Sarah Marshall and Alex Steed’s wonderful podcast You Are Good to talk about the Steven Seagal action vehicle Under Siege. No spoilers, but the specific action vehicle is a boat.

Also, real quick, I’d like to give a hearty shout out to both Angel Reese and Caitlin Clark. The official position of That’s Marvelous is that trash talk is like a pep talk for yourself. Congratulations to LSU and Iowa on well-played seasons. They don’t need to hear shit from me in terms of encouragement. They’re doing great.

That’s not even the most offensive finger! People are being babies about this! (Getty Images)

PEP TALK FOR DONALD TRUMP

Trump likes a truck…truck…truck. (Jim Watson / AFP / Getty Images)

Tough week, big guy. A grand jury voted to indict you for sex fraud or some shit. That can’t feel good. Although, for some reason, a lot of pundits are insisting on emphasizing the coolest parts of your crime. “Can you believe that this slug of a man had an affair with a glamorous porn star and then paid her tens of thousands of dollars (an insubstantial sum to him) in hush money which allowed him to become the most powerful person on earth for four years?” Come on, reporters! Why are you taking this moment to emphasize Donald Trump’s greatest victories? You’re making him sound like House of Cards Kevin Spacey when he’s way more like Real Life Kevin Spacey.

Somehow, Donald, you’ve even convinced the world that the indictment itself is good for you. As if any stroke of misfortune that befalls you has the potential to turn you into a blinking red turbo charged Nintendo game boss version of yourself, more cranky and powerful than ever before. That seems a little overblown to me. I can’t imagine a(nother) costly and lengthy legal battle will be good for your reputation or health, but I don’t think this indictment will bring you to justice. Your life is basically a monument to the biased nature of the American justice system as well as a refutation of the existence of any kind of higher power or karmic force. But, for once, you’ve done something that has unified your supporters and your detractors. The MAGA crowd is hopeful you’re going to emerge from this situation a martyr (like Jesus but with the literal opposite personality and moral compass), and those who oppose you are having a good time laughing at your misfortune. It’s a win-win. At long last, you’ve brought the country together. Take that, Joseph Cabinet Brandon!

Donzo (Can I call you Donzo?), you’ve had a good run. It was also a craven, immoral, deeply racist, emotionally hollow, and widely reviled run, but for you it seemed like a good time occasionally (see above photo in truck). Who cares about the embarrassment of a trial? You’ve never displayed any kind of shame before, so that’s a non-factor. Even if you are convicted, you’ll receive a slap on the wrist, emerge a hero to millions of supporters you don’t respect, and eventually go out a rockstar (specifically Elvis, on the toilet, body ravaged by years of alleged amphetamine use).

Consequences have never applied to you before. Why would now be any different?

PEP TALK FOR A READER

(I’ve done a little condensing of the pep talk request I received, and I also gave the writer a little nickname instead of citing her as “anonymous.” I didn’t want you to think I have a reader who calls herself “Mom Distance.”)

My son is 22, lives on his own in another city several hours away. He's awesome, but has mental health problems (anxiety, mild autism, etc.) that make him isolated. He works full-time in a small office, goes home, and doesn't do anything else besides play DnD online once a month (which is great!). He's between therapists right now and we can't get him to proactively join a trivia night (too hard) or take improv classes (he'd love and be great at). It breaks our hearts to be powerless and see him sad, and potentially seeing him going down a darker road. Any hope here to cling to?
- Mom Distance

This is yet another instance where I am glad I don’t give advice! Because the question you specifically asked (“Is there any hope to cling to?”) has a definitive and positive answer. Yes! There is a glimmer of hope! In fact, there are multiple glimmers! (“Multiple glimmers” also sounds like how I’d describe a bunch of fireflies while drunk, having temporarily forgotten the word “fireflies,” but that’s beside the point.) Let’s run ‘em down like Steven Seagal, the original Glimmer Man.

Glimmer #1: He’s got his monthly DnD game! Technically that is two glimmers (no, not one for Dungeons ‘n’ one for Dragons). One glimmer is that there’s a thing he likes to do, and that he has a regularly scheduled opportunity to do it! It would be much bleaker if the only thing on his social calendar was a quadrennial leap year celebration or a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl party (sorry to the good people of Cleveland who deserve better than this cheap shot). He’s got a standing engagement, and it’s relatively frequent. Maybe it could even lead to More Dungeons ‘n’ More Dragons (2 Dungeons 2 Dragons?) in the future! Side note: Congratulations on being of of America’s few parents who is intent on their adult child starting improv classes!

Glimmer #2: Your son is, in your words, “between therapists,” which is a very optimistic way to put that. He hasn’t given up on therapy. He’s in a liminal space, mental-health-wise. (Unless by “between therapists” you mean he’s got some kind of Fred Flintstone changing outfits to attend two events on the same night situation going on, except for simultaneous sessions with multiple therapists. That would be a different thing entirely.) But he seems to know that therapy can work for him, and he’ll find someone new who can offer that kind of help!

Glimmer #3: Living far from your support system is always hard!!! Whether you’re neurotypical or neurodivergent, it’s stressful to have to build a life up from scratch like an episode of Chopped where your ingredients are a new city, an existing network of friends and family in another place, and the social/emotional skills you brought with you. This isn’t good news per se, but it is valuable context to have. It seems like your son is in a relatively new situation, and maybe his adjustment period will be longer than it would for some other people but that doesn’t mean it’s a permanent new normal for him. It’s natural to worry about his happiness, but it’s also natural sometimes to be a little unhappy while you’re getting on your feet. Maybe this situation isn’t as unpleasant for him as it feels like to you! You are, admittedly, pretty far away. (Although, of course, maybe it is as bad as you fear for your son! I don’t know him! I don’t know you! I’m just a simple New York City-based newsletter writer.)

Is the trickiness of your son’s situation easily resolved? Maybe not. Is it something you can fix from afar? Almost definitely not. But is there hope to cling to? Absolutely yes. Thank you for phrasing your question in a way that is maximally easy for me to respond to!

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK: Fuzzy - “Flashlight”

Last Monday night at Josh Kantor’s extremely fun show at City Winery in Boston, I met Hilken Mancini, who has been a star in the Boston music scene for years (and who runs a cool vintage store in Jamaica Plain). Hilken and Josh crushed a cover of “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” live, and on my train ride home to Brooklyn on Tuesday I listened to a bunch her recorded music. “Flashlight” was the breakout hit from her band Fuzzy’s first album, and it rules. (I also really love “Band of Gold” off of their album Hurray for Everything, which has a title I this newsletter really get behind.)

Bonus track: Also performing music on the show was Peabody, MA’s own Ryan Montbleau who was so good and also extremely nice, so I wanted to link to this song even though it’s a real downer. It’s antithetical to the premise of what we’re doing here, but it does mesh well with my interest in things that are excellent.

Thanks for having me on the show, Josh! Go Sox!

UPCOMING TOUR DATES

I’m gearing up for the second leg of my 1900s Kid Tour, and the first few dates are listed here! The rest of them are of course on my website! This week I’ve got a few spots at the Comedy Cellar in New York as well! (Also, since a few people have asked, my Los Angeles tour date is going to be a late show on 7/14 at Dynasty Typewriter, and I promise I’ll let you know when tickets go on sale!)

4/12 - Alexandra Petri Book Launch at Symphony Space (NYC)

4/20 - Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me Live Taping in Chicago (I am a panelist this time, not the host)

4/21-4/22 - Dead Crow Comedy in Wilmington, NC (Four Shows)

5/10 - Spokane Comedy Club

5/11-5/12 - Upper-Left Comedy Festival in Seattle

5/19-5/20 - Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia (Three Shows)