#25. The Supreme Court and You
Liberty AND justice for ALL??? In this economy???
Hi everyone,
The weather in New York was so crummy last weekend. We had a few nice days a couple of weeks ago, and then it’s gone back to full-on grim, grey drizzle. In literature, there’s a concept called the “pathetic fallacy” where non-human things like weather seem to take on human emotions (often in a way that mirror’s a character’s interiority). In real life, it’s the opposite. After three days of no sunshine and pouring rain, I have forgotten what smiling feels like. It is, to me, humiliating how much the weather influences my mood! It’s just the sky, but it makes such a difference. When the sun is shining and it’s 65 degrees out, I want to visit museums and wander through a park holding a city rat in my hand like Cinderella. But when it’s raining and 50 degrees, I only want to go outside if it’s to track down and kill Batman.
In any case! The weather is a little cheerier today, and the Boston Celtics have moved on to the second round of the NBA playoffs, so my mood is perking up! Plus I watched Roy Wood Jr. perform at the White House Correspondents Dinner, and he did as good a job as can possibly be done at that weird event! His Clarence Thomas joke specifically is extra perfect. Also, outside of this event, Roy is one of the best comedians working today!!! If you haven’t watched his three hour-long standup specials for Comedy Central, they’re great. I imagine they’re on Paramount+, but there’s a limit on how many streaming services I can pay for, and I’ve set that limit right at Yellowstone, The App. Someone should give him a TV show of his own, huh? If only there were a TV show looking for a host right now…
Anyway! Here’s what I’ve got coming up!
NEW YORK CITY: It’s only one week until my What’s New? show at Union Hall on Monday 5/8! Come hear my new jokes and also enjoy Hoodo Hersi and Anthony DeVito (and then go see his EXCELLENT solo show at SoHo Playhouse later this month), plus other terrific special guests.
Later next week I’ll be in SPOKANE and SEATTLE!
CINCINNATI: Tickets for my show at The Comet on 5/31 are on sale now! DeAnne Smith is on the show as well, and they’re one of my absolute favorites!
SACRAMENTO: Tickets for my 7/12 show at the Punch Line are on sale now! I am sorry your beam has been lit for the final time this year, but I want to see you while I’m in town!!!
PEP TALK FOR THE SUPREME COURT
Last week, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito complained that people have been unfairly criticizing the Court, and even worse, other lawyers have not been stepping up to defend its integrity. I get it. You want your friends to have your back when you’re under duress, the way two Beastie Boys were always there to finish the third Beastie Boy’s lyrics. (“When I’m in the place I do my jur-is-PRUDENCE/Lay your argument bare like a bunch of NUDISTS.” etc. etc.)
And yeah, there has been a lot of recent reporting about several Justices having what appear to be massive conflicts of interest that could possibly have an impact on how they…justice. (Side note: If you are a billionaire and your name is Harlan Crow, you should be legally required to get plastic surgery that makes you look like a bird wearing a top hat and a monocle. But nobody’s ready for that conversation.) And sure, the Court has been responsible for the rolling back of numerous civil liberties, from abortion access to voting rights, over the past few years based on logic roughly as sound as: “If the founding fathers wanted us to have birth control, why would Ben Franklin so consistently raw dog it for all those years?”
That does not matter to Justice Samuel Alito. He wants lawyers, as a group, to reflexively rush to the defense of the Court the way guys who still have Bored Ape profile pictures defend Elon Musk when his rockets explode or his self-driving Teslas turn on by themselves and mow down a pair of pandas just as they’re finally deciding to mate. And they haven’t! But I will! I’m here for you with a pep talk, Supreme Court!
Here goes…
Hey, Supreme Court…suck it up! So, public trust in you as an institution hit an all-time low last year. What do you care? What can we, the public, even do about it? The public also talks a lot of shit about Papa John’s pizza, but when it’s late at night and nothing else is open, you know we’re crawling back to Papa. America is the drunk, hungry customer, and you, the Supreme Court, are the low quality congealed food-adjacent disc that makes Italian people weep with anger. You are the only game in town. You can be as shitty and regressive and unethical as you want. And in response we the people get to…say we don’t like it! That’s all we have! You cannot take away our right to Yelp. Or at least you haven’t yet.
There are nine of you, and you were not elected (not to mention the seats that were given to conservative judges through trickery), and yet you decide what laws get to be laws all across the country forever. The whole setup feels increasingly ridiculous. It’s one step away from having the starting lineup of the Houston Astros rule on whether Roe v. Wade is constitutional. Honestly, maybe that would be better, because there are institutions that have historically held the Astros accountable when they’ve bent the rules.*
You’re going to be fine, Supreme Court. Even though Clarence Thomas accepted hundreds of thousands of dollars of special treatment from a guy who probably thinks dinosaur bones and the clitoris are tricks played by the devil and would like the Court to rule as such if either issue comes up. (Not only did Thomas accept special treatment from this guy, but he hung out with him for long enough THAT SOMEONE COULD PAINT A PICTURE OF THEM HANGING OUT.)
Great power, it turns out, does not actually come with great responsibility. But what it does come with is an immunity to basically all criticism. So relax, The Supreme Court. You don’t need anyone to come to your defense. Your record, though massively flawed, is, practically speaking, unimpeachable.
* I am on the record as thinking baseball teams should be allowed to cheat, but the point stands.
PEP TALKS FOR READERS
As usual, I fiddled around with the formatting of this request just a little, and I assigned the nickname to the requester myself. Also, there’s no real protocol for requesting a pep talk, but if that’s something you’re interested in doing…you can figure out how to reach me, I assume!
I want to request a pep talk for my husband. We have a new baby at home and he is also in a new management position at his job and feels very stressed about it! He seems to get positive feedback at work but always feels like he isn’t doing a good enough job and doesn’t feel deserving of his promotion. Help!
- Wife Assurance
First of all: Congratulations on the new baby! And also congratulations to your husband on the new management position (which sounds less adorable, but is still exciting). I will address him in the second person starting…now!
As (I think?) I’ve mentioned in this newsletter before, it’s extremely natural to feel like you’re not good at doing a new job, because you’re probably not as good at it (yet!) as you were at your old job! New things are hard! MORE THAN ONCE I have had to call down to the front desk of a hotel to ask how to turn on a shower. And there are so few ways to turn a shower on. It’s not going to be the tv remote control that does it, nor is there a password to be whispered through a slit in a door. It’s basically always a single knob, but if that knob is a shape I’ve never encountered before, then I, an adult who had figured out how to pay his taxes basically every year, will have to seek outside counsel. I cannot be the only one. PLEASE tell me I’m not the only one.
But enough about me.
Having a new job doesn’t seem a LOT like a new baby (ideally, there will be less crying), except that it’s another venue where you can adapt and improve with time. When a baby is fussy, that’s not a failure of parenting. And when you need a little extra guidance at work, that’s not a professional shortcoming. It’s a chance to learn new skills and information! Plus, it sounds like people are telling you they’re satisfied with your performance. That doesn’t mean you’re as good as you’ll ever be at this job. But it does mean that if they’re not actually happy with what you’re doing…that’s their problem. So, either you’re doing well, or…it’s not on you. They should tell you if that’s the case! Why would they spare your feelings? You’re not their childhood best friend. You’re just a guy from work!
The people around you say you’re doing a good job! And that’s okay, at least for now! You’ve got a lot on your plate, and even if you’re not operating at the level you’d like to be, good enough is good enough in the meantime.
(And, as long as we’re here, shout out to my friend Dan’s band In The Meantime.)
PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK: John Mulaney and the Sack Lunch Bunch - “Music Everywhere”
John Mulaney has a new standup special out on Netflix! It’s called Baby J, and I liked it a lot! BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M HERE TO TALK ABOUT. It has come to my attention that some people (even those who are fans of Mulaney’s standup) have not seen his silly, precocious children’s television(?) special John Mulaney and the Sack Lunch Bunch. I really liked that too, and I’m not a “you HAVE to watch this…” guy, but I do highly recommend this one sketch/song featuring guest star Jake Gyllenhaal.
“Music Everywhere” is extremely stupid (complimentary). It is also extremely catchy. It hits a very specific and satisfying target by being both incredibly weird and incredibly sweet. Gyllenhaal is also firmly in the Hamm Zone (handsome, accomplished actor giving a deranged comedy performance), which is always fun. I don’t know how else to describe this song! Check it out!
UPCOMING TOUR DATES
I’m gearing up for the second leg of my 1900s Kid Tour, and the first few dates are listed here! The rest of them so far are of course on my website!
5/8 - What’s New at Union Hall in Brooklyn
5/10 - Spokane Comedy Club
5/11-5/12 - Upper-Left Comedy Festival in Seattle
5/19-5/20 - Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia (Three Shows)
5/31 - The Comet in Cincinnati
6/1 - Helium Comedy Club in Indianapolis
6/2-6/3 - Helium Comedy Club in St. Louis
I travel a lot for work and I promise you, EVERYONE has had to call down to the hotel front desk for instructions on how to turn on the shower. Hotel showers are the bane of my existence. Let's not even get into the related subcategory of how the hell do I get my shower to drain?
This was a really good one today Josh!