#29. My One Lost Earbud and You

I hope you're happy wherever you are!

It has been a heck of a week over here! I’ve spent a lot of time on the picket lines (because, if you haven’t heard, the Writers Guild of America is on strike), and last Tuesday I emceed a big rally at 30 Rock featuring lots of amazing speakers from the labor movement as well as Tony Kushner, Wanda Sykes, Busy Phillips, Kal Penn, and a bunch of other smart, cool people in entertainment.

It has been really heartening to see people turn out for events like these from other unions as well. We had representatives from SAG-AFTRA, IATSE, the Laborers, the Teamsters (who I was reminded to vocally thank…you don’t want to snub the Teamsters), freelance musicians, department store workers, and more. This fight isn’t just about writers versus studios; it’s about workers versus corporate interests. The solidarity of other working people is so inspirational and important!!!!

Photo credit: Lindsey Adler, who was walking by. T-shirt credit: Nick Smolenski

Also, last Friday was my 6th wedding anniversary, and my wife and I had a great time having nice meals and seeing friends and taking long walks around our neighborhood. Happy anniversary, Maris!!! You are a beautiful genius, and I love you so much!

REMINDER: I have shows in Cincinnati (WEDNESDAY), Indianapolis (THURSDAY), St. Louis (FRI-SAT), and Kansas City (SUNDAY) this week! If you’re thinking about coming, grab your tickets now or tell a friend to do that! Come see a show if you’re nearby, and pick up a poster to benefit the Entertainment Community Fund!

ALSO: I got to be a part of this little L.A. Times feature where several comedians gave notes on Elon Musk’s “jokes.”

PEP TALK FOR MY ONE LOST EARBUD

If you were really my bud, why would you disappear on me like this?

It’s been a month since I’ve seen you, and I miss you so bad. When you fell out of your charging case and skittered across the floor, I assumed that if I pressed my cheek and belly to the ground, and peered dillegently enough into the darkness, we would be reunited. But despite my sporadic and redundant searches (do I think I’m going to sneak up on you or something?) under our couch using my phone as a flashlight, you remain missing. Clearly you are on a journey that doesn’t include me, and I wish you the best.

After all, it’s not your fault that I dropped you. And it’s not your fault that you landed in a location that remains undiscoverable no matter how many times I move the couch or the coffee table or the 80%-assembled entertainment center that our tv rests on. Even though I have cursed you out on a near daily basis, I’m not mad at you for disappearing! I’m mad at me for failing to find you. It feels unfair that if you splurge and spend $250 on fancy headphones that you’re going to use for work purposes, and then you lose one, you can’t just spend half of that money to replace it. HOW IS HALF OF $250 STILL $250???? Sorry, I’m not yelling at you, I’m just yelling in frustration!

I guess I could do a better job of disassembling the entirety of my living room to search for you. But if that doesn’t work, I will have to admit that you’re really gone, which means that 1. I lost an expensive piece of electronics in an area that’s only 10 square feet and 2. I’ll have to actually replace you and 3. Maybe I have ADHD like TikTok says misplacing things (and literally every other inconvenient behavior) is a symptom of.

You didn’t do this to me. I did this to me. Wherever you are: ensconced in an opaque swaddling of undercouch detritus, inside my dog’s tummy, long gone in the trash somehow, I hope you’re happy! And, unless I find you, you’ll never have to listen to another NBA podcast, which I imagine you have grown sick of by now.

PEP TALKS FOR READERS

You know the deal: I’ve done a little condensing and combining of requests I’ve gotten for the sake of brevity and being able to include as many requests as I can! The ones I got but didn’t field today, I’ll get to next week! (The nicknames this week were a mixture of self-applied and Newsletter-writer chosen.)

Hi Josh! I would love a pep talk because my husband C (whom you have met!) is going into the hospital for a month because he is getting bone marrow cancer treatment, and I am afraid I won’t be strong enough or good enough and that I’ll collapse under the weight of how awful it all is!
- A Good S’pport

First of all, all my love to you and C and all my hopes/vibes/crossed fingers/ritual sacrifices for successful treatment and a speedy/thorough recovery!!!!

More importantly, you are for sure going to be such a supportive and helpful partner during this difficult time!!! You have already started the process by thinking about how you can be there for C while also seeking care for yourself! Because while you are going to be Good Enough, you are right to realize that you can’t fully be Enough on your own! Being Good Enough means doing your best and understanding your strengths as well as where you need to call in reinforcements. Being Enough is more than anyone person can do!

In the same way you are not on the hook to provide C’s clinical treatment (probably that takes more than one medical professional, not just one person on-call all the time), you also can’t be a sole emotional/logistical provider! All you can do is what you have the capacity for (and using some of that capacity to make sure you both have other support in place)! You don’t have to be Perfect or Everything, but you definitely have it in you to be Good Enough.

I came out as transgender last month (though so far really only to my super supportive spouse, and now you!) but haven’t ventured outside en femme very much. But next week I’m going to wear my fanciest dress and my highest heels on a day out on the town in New York City to see “Some Like It Hot” on Broadway. While this would seem like the safest space to be out in public, I’m still anxious and nervous, and could use a pep talk.
- Coming out of the Suburban Closet

Thank you for trusting me with this pep talk request! As a straight, cisgender guy, I understand the contemporary deluge of legislative oppression and cultural cruelty being inflicted on transgender people, but I also understand that you understand that better than I understand it, and you don’t need to hear about it from me.

Here’s what you are here for, (I think): This fucking rules! What a wonderful gift you are giving yourself by planning this outing! I bet, outside of the nerves, there’s so much about this night that you are looking forward to with great enthusiasm! Hell yeah! You deserve this! Last week, I participated in some gender-affirming activities (not shaving for several days, generally looking like shit, yelling wicked loud) at a concert, and it brought me a lot of joy. I hope your own gender-affirming wardrobe and activity choices feel just as good if not better because of their ice-breaking quality in your life!!!

Hi gonna get real vulnerable for a pep talk! I’m in the middle of a breakup with my partner of six years. Parts of this relationship have been the healthiest thing I’ve ever had, but over the last several months his behavior has devolved into what my friends and now a couples therapist have called abusive. The thing is I still don’t think it’s malicious; even the couples therapist concluded that a lot of his behavior is exacerbated by [diagnosis withheld by editor]. So now I’m stuck between knowing he needs to work on himself, and feeling guilty for not “sticking by him” while he figures it out. I guess I need a pep talk about the fact that you can still love someone and not be “cruel” for knowing you can’t currently be together.
- Split Decision

This all sounds so painful and emotionally complex! But at the heart of this is your fear that you’re being cruel for not staying with this person. It’s not cruel to break up with someone you don’t want to be with. It would be cruel to hide that person’s wallet in a different place every day. Or to dump battery acid in their flower beds. Or to rub something they’re allergic to all over their pillow before they go to sleep.

There are so many ways to be cruel! But finding an emotionally healthy situation for yourself is not one of them. That doesn’t mean it feels good, but a choice being hard (temporarily at least) and being ultimately correct isn’t mutually exclusive. It’s not that you don’t owe a former partner anything, but you certainly don’t owe them everything, and that’s what you’d be giving if you stayed together so that they could “figure it out” in your words. You can’t be the only load bearing pillar in this person’s sense of self. I don’t mean to encourage you to therapy-speak your way to a selfish life, but this is the kind of situation where talk about setting boundaries and prioritizing your own health and safety is actually applicable. (If you find yourself calling a friend’s request to help them move “actual violence” then maybe you’ve gone a little too far.)

This is going to feel shitty for a while, but it’s going to pave the way for feeling not shitty alone or with someone new, and while that prospect might bring up different shitty feelings of its own, you can either wade across this shit river or stand still in it, and I think you made the right choice!

I need a pep talk, bro. Never been more nervous and stressed than I am about my book coming out in a week. Tell me everything is gonna be ok!
- Looking For a New Release on Life

Okay, this is something I can speak to from personal experience! Here’s the pep talk: Congratulations on writing and launching a book, which is a huge accomplishment! You worked so hard on this and made it as good as you possibly could! Lots of people are going to read and enjoy it, even if that amount of people isn’t enough to make it a massive bestseller. But you can’t FORCE people to buy your book. That’s just an incredibly roundabout and low-yield method of robbing them. If you’re going to go that far, take way more of their money and buy way more copies of your book. (Note: Please do not!)

You did your part, and now that you’ve done the work, sales/lists/attention/celebrities posting a picture of your book in a carefully-curated-to-look-casual to-read pile is all out of your hands. It’s as impossible to control as the weather or when D’Angelo releases new music.

So! Enjoy the relief of not having to write and promote a book anymore! Bask in the praise and attention that comes your way as much as your personal constitution allows! And let everything in addition to that be ice cream on the cake. (I know that the expression is “icing on the cake” but ice cream is better than icing, which often doesn’t even taste that good.)

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK: Jeff Rosenstock - “Liked U Better”

Jeff Rosenstock put out a new song this week along with a video where he (spoiler alert?) fights a rude puppet. So, that was probably going to be my pick for the week. But also, the chorus of the song features what the great cartoonist and pal Mattie Lubchansky refers to as “room full of guys” backing vocals. Like, one person is singing and then all of a sudden there’s a room full of friends shouting their support. Where the hell did they come from? Who knows! But I’m glad they’re here!

Also, I went to see Pup and Beach Bunny play a show this week (it absolutely ruled), and Steve and Stefan from Pup shouted out the WGA strike from stage which was really cool and generous. I brought a bunch of strike t-shirts for the band, but I brought the wrong sizes, so here is a picture of Steve and Zack from Pup as well as the aforementioned Jeff (who was there hanging out) wearing whatever size shirts I had on hand.

Solidarity from some solid dudes!!!!

UPCOMING TOUR DATES

I’m in the middle of the second leg of my 1900s Kid Tour, and the first few dates are listed here! The rest of them so far are of course on my website!

5/31 - The Comet in Cincinnati

6/1 - Helium Comedy Club in Indianapolis

6/2-6/3 - Helium Comedy Club in St. Louis (four shows)

6/4 - The Comedy Club in Kansas City

6/21 - Bricktown Comedy Club in Oklahoma City

6/23-6/24 - Dallas Comedy Club (four shows)