#3. Mariah Carey, Leftover Turkey, and You
*Juggalo voice* Family! Family! Family!
Hey everyone,
I hope you all had some restorative and restful time with family this last week. Or, if that’s not the kind of relationship you have with your family, I hope you had some restful and restorative time without them. Or, if that’s not what you wanted out of this weekend, I hope you finally achieved the kind of vengeance against your family that you’d only ever dreamt of in the past.
Okay, here come the pep talks!
THE PEP TALKS
PEP TALK FOR MARIAH CAREY
Mariah, it’s fuckin’ go time. I am sure you’ve been preparing for this moment all year with vocal warmups and winter jacket shopping and a rigorous skincare regimen, but for the next month you are going to be more in demand than usual, which is saying something, because you are already Mariah Carey for 365 to 366 days each year. You’ve got nineteen #1 hits. But all anyone wants for Christmas is “All I Want For Christmas Is You" (the singular Christmas song that makes the listener feel like they are a sufficient gift for the one and only Mariah Carey).
You’ve got this, international megastar Mariah Carey. This season, you bring more joy to people across the world than Santa himself (or herself…no, wait, that construction doesn’t make sense here), because unlike with Santa, people of all religions can enjoy the fruits of your labor. “AIWFCIY” (and no disrespect but I will be abbreviating for the rest of this pep talk) is the rare Christmas tune that’s actually a good song. If someone played it at a 4th of July bbq I would be confused, sure, but also delighted. Try playing “Dominic the Donkey” at a cookout, reader. Someone would mush your face right onto the grill and they’d be right to do it (no offense to the Italian-American community, but it’s true).
You know what people want from you this Christmas, pop icon Mariah Carey. But don’t forget to think about what you need done for you. As intoxicating as it is to be in constant demand, it’s important to take the time to consider your own health and well-being. Your onslaught of obligation starts at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade (which frankly feels rude; that’s a totally different holiday) and doesn’t end until the year is almost over. I’ve seen your episode of MTV Cribs, and from the looks of your walk-in closets, you know how to provide for yourself. While you’re bringing cheer to the masses, I hope you don’t over-schedule yourself in an effort to spread cheer across the globe. Nobody needs you as much as you need you.
In closing, Mariah Carey, all I want for Christmas is for you to practice self-care.
PEP TALK FOR LEFTOVER TURKEY
Hey there, leftover turkey. You are, in many ways, the opposite of Mariah Carey. We’re now four days out from the yearly pinnacle of American turkey consumption. As expected, the nation went straight-up gobblin’ mode last Thursday, and you were at the center of it all. Then, on Friday, many people awoke, delighted to fix themselves sandwiches full of scraps of white meat, cranberry sauce, and stuffing. What a treat!
By Saturday, though, things had taken a turn. In many homes, there was still an abundance of leftovers, and no one is excited anymore. Because the secret of turkey is: there’s always too much turkey. We don’t roast turkeys any other time of the year, and it’s not for lack of availability. As far as I know, turkeys are not seasonal like pomegranates. We simply know that chickens exist, and so we have no need for a larger, dryer bird outside of the errant deli sandwich or Lunchable.
So, leftover turkey, I know that in households across the country, hungry families are looking at you like the members of the Donner Party started looking at each other (“Do we absolutely have to?”), but let’s not focus on that! Let’s focus instead on how for two days every year, you are celebrated from coast to coast. That’s incredible! Most foods never have that experience! Wagon wheel pasta and lima beans would kill for that kind of attention. (Note: If any readers belong to a culture that celebrates a holiday with wagon wheel pasta or lima beans, please leave a link in the comments! I apologize in advance for my ignorance. And no, necklaces made for moms’ birthdays do not count as a macaroni-intensive festival.)
What I hope I’m getting across here is that it can be painful to watch the spotlight shift away from you, but what a thrill to have been in it at all. While the world may seem cold and indifferent to you in this moment, it won’t be like this forever. Your time will return. The Baha Men are no longer on the radio as often as they once were, but you’d better believe that when “Who Let The Dogs Out?” comes on at a wedding or in a sports stadium, people become rabid with joy. Your next time in the sun may seem far away now, but before you know it, kids will be using their hands to draw you (Do turkeys find those drawings crude and offensive? No time to discuss!), and families all over the country will struggling to make space for your weird big bird bodies in their refrigerators. You’re never really over. You’re never just a relic, a skeleton. No one is, as long as they don’t give up.
Finally, to every living turkey, chances much better that you’re in the clear for the next 51 weeks or so. But sugar cookies and ham…keep your head on a swivel.
PEP TALKS FOR READERS
(I’ve combined a couple of requests into single pep talks! I’ve also done a little bit of condensing the messages I’ve received for space!)
My wife and I met in SF and moved to NY 8ish years ago. She is from Sharon MA (represent!) and her whole fam still lives in the Boston / Providence area My in laws are both great but unfortunately my father in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and started chemo. They caught it very early and everyone is staying very optimistic (or trying). My father in law is also a living breathing saint. He is so nice and kind and generous and a great grandpa. He would give a stranger the shirt off his back. This week we were supposed to go to Boston for thanksgiving. It would be our first time seeing him since he started chemo. On Tues our nanny tested positive for covid. And my in laws didn’t feel comfortable with us coming. So we had to do a makeshift thanksgiving with no extended fam. And on top of that, Friday was my wife’s grandma’s 90th bday party. So, it was a lousy thanksgiving, although we tried to make the best of it and do fun stuff (Xmas tree farm, big apple circus)
- Long Time Listener, First Time Caller
My Long Covid diagnosis is bleak. Pep talk?
- Aimee
Please bear with me for a moment because this will not sound like a pep talk at first: This shit is the fucking worst. Being sick is awful. Having sick relatives is awful. The uncertainty and severity of Covid multiplies that awfulness in ways that a lot of us (myself included) didn’t even know were possible until recently. It sucks shit through a straw. It blows chunks in a fish tank.
Even though many people don’t acknowledge it, lots of things are just worse than they were before. (I’m writing this from a train where maybe 5% of the passengers are wearing masks.) Mundane activities take extra effort. Isolation is harder to avoid. I don’t say this to make you feel bad; I‘m writing it down to acknowledge the frustrating and painful reality you’re both feeling!
Here’s the pep part: Aimee, things can get better. You’re not alone in this. People in your life (as well as the abstract concept of “modern medicine”) want you to feel as good as possible. And because of that uncertainty, things might get better than you currently fear. (I forget sometimes, but one of the good parts of uncertainty is things could go well in ways you don’t expect.)
Long Time/First Time, what you’re feeling now is so acute because your family is a priority for you, and because it’s a priority, you will make up for this absolute dogshit Thanksgiving weekend (that also had some nice parts). You know how precious this time is with your father-in-law, and despite these setbacks, you will do the best you can for your family, and they will love and appreciate you for it.
In conclusion: Many things are bad. Many people are good. You are good people, and things can feel better than they do now, in spite of the ambient and specific badnesses you’re contending with.
It’s been a tough year and I am struggling to tend to the self care at several levels: seeing doctor/therapist/accountant etc. I just keep finding myself abandoning myself.
- C.A.
Hi, C.A. I empathize with this a LOT. I am so bad at making appointments and following through on things that are ONLY GOING TO BE GOOD FOR ME!!!! And, on top of that, I also refuse to accept help from other people. If I’m not going to take care of myself, you better believe I’ll make sure that NOBODY ELSE IS GONNA DO IT EITHER.
This doesn’t have to be What We’re Like! But also, making one doctor’s appointment doesn’t have to be The Moment That Changes Everything. Any little task you accomplish is helpful. Maybe one step in the right direction creates momentum, or maybe it’s just one good thing you’ve now done for yourself. Either way…it’s useful and worthwhile! Most of the time, getting an overwhelming amount of things done consists of a bunch of little Just One Things. You can do it!!! And it’s okay if you need help!! (ARE YOU LISTENING TO THIS, ME????)
You deserve this kind of care and attention just as much as Mariah Carey does (please see above, or don’t, and just know that I’m right).
Help! So — a quick rundown. I’m almost 40, unmarried and with no kids. I have a good job, am definitely overpaid and have a lot of freedom in my career. I have a great dog. (Well, pretty good!) But as embarrassing as it is to say as a feminist, I’ve always wanted to be married with kids. My last boyfriend of 6 years promised all this for me time and time again but turned out to be perpetually jobless and — big surprise — a liar! It was 3 years ago and I’m not over it. I’m not over anything. I feel like this is it for me and I should stop trying because I’m so old. Help me because I’m wasting the few precious years I have left! Also I self sabotage too! IM A MESS JOSH!
- Feminist-ish
Hi, Feminist-ish! As a man, and not an especially well-read one, I am unqualified to opine on feminism writ large. But also as a man, I am going to try anyway! Just some classic man stuff right there.
I know you feel a little sheepish about the specifics, but you know what you want!, and that’s a huge part of getting those things!! It’s okay to want a bunch of different things that don’t always exist harmoniously in every moment. That’s just being a person! We are unreasonable creatures!
This isn’t an advice newsletter (again, I am not qualified), so I’m not going to tell you what to do, but what I can offer is this: Life doesn’t start once you get everything you want. It’s happening right now. You have some money and (I know this from before) a perfect dog as well as other family members. You have time and space to enjoy your life to the greatest possible degree while you work toward the goals you haven’t achieved yet.
Just because you haven’t found a rug that really ties the room together, doesn’t mean your house isn’t a home!!! A walnut brownie without the walnuts is still a motherfucking brownie. Missing one piece of a puzzle doesn’t negate the 999 pieces you fit together. AND OTHER SLIGHTLY FLAWED METAPHORS. You are living every day!!!! Someday maybe you’ll be living even better! But today can also be pretty decent if you let it!!!
Hi Josh! Our Boston Terrier Beedie died this week, and we could use a pep talk. Beedie had an aggressive mast cell tumor that spread to her lymph nodes and digestive tract: she died within two months of her diagnosis. Anything you’ve got on getting over the loss of a pet or a family member (with the appropriate modifications of course.) Beedie stands for BD = Best Dog, if that helps.
- T.C.
I’m so sorry for the loss of Beedie, the Best Dog. This is such a painful time. I am also sorry because I’m about to paraphrase some real high-school-breakup-circa-2002-away-message type philosophy. The original idea is something like ~*~*~*~DoN’t Cry becuz it’s Ova, SmiLe becuz it h@pPened.~*~*~*~*~*. And honestly, despite the early-aughts syntax, I think that’s about half right. Although I’d amend it to say: Cry because it’s ova, AND smile becuz it happened.
Beedie’s memory will be a joy to you always, even as his loss is so acute, and will always be with you as well. You’ll always have photos and stories and experiences you shared during your time with Beedie. They will never stop being special and beautiful. While your grief is also personal and specific, its uniqueness won’t stop other people from understanding what you’re going through. People in your life want to be there for you a you grieve, and at the very least they’ll understand how upset you must be in this moment an in the future. (I wrote “near future” first, but I don’t want to assign you parameters for your sadness.) Don’t feel bad for feeling bad. You’ve got to go through it. It’s okay to feel all your feelings at once, or unpredictably at intervals. You’re doing your best! It’s going to feel bad, and then better (and sometimes worse again), but you will persevere!
PICK-ME-UP SONG: The Hold Steady - “Stay Positive”
This one is almost too on the nose, but I can’t help it. What am I going to not dunk an alley-oop when it’s thrown to me? I’m only human.
This song is on my mind because later this week, I’m going to see The Hold Steady live for like the 8th time, and I’m so psyched. Plus I was just home in Massachusetts last week and people from every era of my life came out to my standup shows, which was a real thrill. The opening lines of this song (“I’ve got a lot of old friends and they’re getting back in touch/And it’s a pretty good feeling, yeah it feels pretty good”) are hitting me pretty hard these days! Craig Finn, the lead singer of THS has talked about how “Stay Positive” as a mantra sounds a little starry-eyed and overly optimistic, but in reality it’s something you only say when things are bad and you know it, so it’s actually pragmatic. That’s always stuck with me too. All that is to say…whoooaaaaaaoooo…you gotta stay positive. (I promise I’ll mix up the genres of these songs a little more in the future, or at least the gruffness of the vocalists’ voices!)
A GIFT RECOMMENDATION
I know (or at least I think) this isn’t why you come here, but if you know someone who likes jewelry, a never-fail gift recommendation in my experience is anything from Rachel Pfeffer Designs. Rachel’s work is so distinctive and whimsical while also being really beautiful and elegant. It is a struggle not to do 75% of my holiday shopping from her store every year! If, for some reason, you are in the market for gifts at this time of year, check out Rachel’s jewelry.
Upcoming Tour Dates
If you enjoy this newsletter, maybe come see me tell jokes in person?
12/12 - What’s New at Union Hall in Brooklyn
12/27 - 12/29 - Minneapolis, Chicago, and Milwaukee!
1/12-1/14 - Comedy Bar Toronto (three shows)
More info and dates available at joshgondelman.com/schedule!
I also have a standup special called People Pleaser that’s free to watch for Prime members in the U.S. and available to rent for everyone else! (I think Vimeo is the easiest place to rent it internationally.) It’s totally different from the hour that I’m doing on tour!
Okay! That’s all for now! Thanks for reading! And as always, if you enjoyed the newsletter, please subscribe and/or share it with a pal!
- Josh
Please come do a show in Asheville NC! It's beautiful here and I could use a few laughs. :)
Thanks for making our day Awesome! And a special Thank You for the "rug that really ties the room together" link, I'll be sitting on that rug laughing all week.