#31. Classified Documents and You

A little light bathroom reading about a little heavy bathroom reading.

Hi Everyone,

It’s been a physically and psychologically bizarre week in New York City! The sky turned orange from wildfire smoke, and you could see people’s risk calculus from the past couple years reversing itself; on Tuesday evening, I saw a few people putting on KN95 masks as they exited the subway station into the open air, which was a pretty wild sight. (I’m still pretty mask-y on the subway and in stores etc., and I kept mine on as I walked from the train. That’s just where I’m at!)

Right now the climate apocalypse is less of a visible/tactile thing, and I’m extremely grateful that the sky is the regular color and texture at least for the time being!

Oh, also! I lost my phone last Monday, and I had to get a new one, which is one of those tasks that is disproportionately annoying. It takes a weirdly long time (which I fortunately had), and it costs a chunk of money (which I fortunately could spare), and worst of all IT WAS ALL MY FAULT!!! I can’t even be mad at someone over this. Because I’d just be mad at ME. Every part of the phone replacement process was made worse by the fact that if I had just not left it in a cab on the way home from the airport, I wouldn’t have had to deal with it at all. GAH! It’s FINE, I’m FINE!

This week I’m home in New York, and you can catch me on the picket line and also doing standup at Caveat on Tuesday night (with an extremely good special guest!!!) and at Cherry at the Public Hotel on Friday night! (You can also hear me on the most recent episode of The Gargle with Alice Fraser and Gabe Mollica!)

A couple more show announcements! On 7/7 I’m reading at Luke O’Neill’s book launch party in New York City! And then on 7/30, Alison Leiby and I are returning to Woodstock, NY to co-headline a show at Colony, where we performed last year and had a great time!!!

And, as previously announced, I’ll be in Oklahoma City telling jokes on 6/21 and then in Dallas for FOUR SHOWS 6/23-6/24! It’s been forever since I’ve been to OKC, and I’ve never performed in Dallas before. If you’re a fan of the newsletter, I’d love to see you there, and honestly I’d love to see anyone you know there! Spread the word if you’re so inclined! I did little pep talks for OKC and Dallas that you can share with friends in the area! Okay sorry for all the business! On to the pep talks!!!

PEP TALK FOR THE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS STORED IN A BATHROOM AT MAR-A-LAGO

Reader’s Digest x President’s Daily Brief Collab

This was not supposed to be your destiny. When you were designated “classified” by, I’m assuming, a man in a captain’s hat and sunglasses, bedecked in medals, you were supposed to be tucked away safely in a manilla folder under lock and key. Or maybe set on fire in a metal trash can immediately after being read? Or, I don’t know…can documents explode like in Mission Impossible or Inspector Gadget? Honestly, I am not certain where classified paperwork is supposed to be stored. But probably not at a private residence next to a toilet that looks like it was lowered to the ground by Xzibit and the crew at West Coast Customs.

It’s such an undignified situation for two dozen or so boxes full of (I’m assuming) potential atrocities to be committed against and/or by the American government. You deserve better, classified documents! A big vault with a circular door and a locking mechanism that looks like a ship’s wheel. Or a safe hidden behind a painting of a former secretary of state. Or even incinerated in a pizza oven in Maryland by two guys in fake mustaches posing as pizzeristas (what I imagine pizza moguls are called). Within your cardboard boxes lies information that could change the course of history. And you’re stuck gathering dust in an a horrible old man’s basement, tucked away where he probably goes to do his Most Embarrassing Bathroom Stuff.

Not to mention: Who stores documents of any kind on the FLOOR of the bathroom, the wettest surface in any home outside of the shower and the kitchen???!?!! This whole situation is one backed-up toilet away from total destruction of that bottom row of boxes. The bathroom floor is like the Miami or Manhattan of the home!!! And I have to imagine that the toilets at Mar-a-Lago are some of the most frequently clogged in all of America. Climate change aside, good luck surviving those rising sea levels!

Sometimes life takes unexpected twists and turns, classified documents. One day, a room full of people with Top Secret security clearances is staring at you in a conference room while sitting around a table that costs $30,000. The next day, you’re cast aside in a bathroom decorated like a hotel lobby. Nothing gold can stay (and by that I mean the mirror and faucets above you will probably be repossessed in a bankruptcy hearing or seized as evidence in a criminal trial at some point). You had some good times, though. And that’s what’s important. Even if the only things more shocking than the information contained on your pages is the smell in the room that became your home.

PEP TALK FOR A READER

As with most of these, I’ve made some light edits to the pep talk request and nicknamed the writer myself!

Hi! I’m rather at a crossroads in life. Having recently exhausted my six months of short term disability coverage and been denied the chance to convert it to long-term, I am unsure what to do next. Just because the money ran out doesn’t mean I feel ready to work. My wealthy parents have indicated a willingness to provide some support during this transition period, but not enough to meet all of my needs, and I’m sick of fighting with them about money. Beyond the ongoing disabling mental illness, I have extra physical limitations that limit me to working from home only. I have no desire to remain in the career I went to college for, but I don’t have an idea as to what else I might like to do. Something manageable, and ideally meaningful. But I scarcely know how to begin.
- Bone Thug In Disharmony (because of the crossroads, get it?)

Well, BTID, there is a lot going on here! First of all, I’m sorry that you feel so adrift and limited in your options going forward. It is an extremely bad feeling to look out onto the horizon of your life and feel like you are not in control of the direction you’re heading (scary!!!) and also that maybe you’re not going anywhere at all (frustrating!!!). The metaphorical food is terrible, and in such small portions, if you know what I mean!

On the other hand, though, there are some things that you can do to change your course. I am, unfortunately, WAY out of my depth in terms of knowing what most of those options are. (I am woefully unqualified in terms of advice regarding living with a disability or re-applying for aid.) One choice you have is whether or not to accept money from your wealthy (your word not mine) parents! Maybe it’s a start towards meeting your financial needs, or maybe it’s not worth it to accept at all. There’s the outline of a rudder right there! Not to rub it in, but that’s something a lot of people don’t have! So, it’s up do you: Do you want to argue with your parents about money or do you want to not have money? I’m not pushing either way! How could I? I only know like six things about your life!

And, as long as you’re fully casting around for a future, it’s okay to put aside the idea of something being meaningful or even long-term. It’s okay to focus on the manageable part of things! It’s so easy getting tripped up thinking about a five-year plan when focusing on the next five hours can be more useful towards accomplishing your immediate goals. Who cares what you went to college for? That’s mostly useful for small talk anyway! Your degree isn’t a lifetime prescription or even an especially important roadmap. That’s not to say it’s worthless. It is useful to be able to cross what you did last off the list of what to do next. But it’s not the only valuable thing about you.

So, to boil down this rambling pep talk to a manageable takeaway: All you can do is what you’re able to do! And doing those things is something, not nothing! There’s no shame in changing course now, or now and then again later! You’ve got to live a life that works for you, not one you thought would work for you when you were 18 and had maybe never voted or been allowed to rent a car.

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
Jenny Lewis - “Cherry Baby”

Jenny Lewis put out a new album (Joy’All) last week. I love her work with Rilo Kiley (which inspired this extremely niche tweet), and I love her solo work too! Her songs are so catchy without sacrificing lyrical specificity or depth. I also really appreciate the pervasive swearing in her lyrics. It’s how people talk and think and write, so why not include curse words in a gentle alt-country ballad? “Cherry Baby” is (I think) about the exciting feeling of losing your mind and jumping into things too fast. It’s not advisable but it’s exciting! And you can enjoy that sensation in a song without having to upend your life. A win/win!

UPCOMING TOUR DATES

I’m in the middle of the second leg of my 1900s Kid Tour, and the first few dates are listed here! The rest of them so far are of course on my website!

6/14 - Pencils Down! at Caveat (NYC)

6/16 - Cherry at the Public Hotel (NYC)

6/21 - Bricktown Comedy Club in Oklahoma City

6/23-6/24 - Dallas Comedy Club (four shows)

7/9 - What’s New? at Union Hall in Brooklyn

7/11-7/13 - San Jose, Sacramento, and San Diego shows (Check my website!!!)

7/14 - Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles

7/30 - Co-headlining Colony in Woodstock, NY with Alison Leiby