#35. Sunburns and You

Here comes the sun, and I say: Knock it off.

Hi everyone,

My beloved and cantankerous pug Bizzy turns 16 years old this Thursday, which is something like 112 in dog years, meaning she’s older than every person I’ve ever met and most libraries. To celebrate, my wife Maris planned her a “Treat 16” party where basically all the snacks for people could be shared with a hungry little smushy-faced goblin. Crudite and apple slices and (don’t tell Bizzy’s vet, but…) cheese cubes. I do not know how an animal the size of a loaf of bread can fit so many treats inside her, but she performed admirably, consuming roughly her body weight in finger foods.

Through the deep parts of the pandemic, Bizzy forgot what it’s like to have other people in our home (in fairness, I did too). She was a little overwhelmed to see so many (we’re talking…maybe 7) friends at once at our apartment. Once the guests left, Bizzy spent the evening splooting (technical term) on the cool floor on her tummy. I was a little jealous of how restful she seemed, but it was her special day, and she deserved it.

(Semi-related: A couple of weeks ago, Bizzy received some acupuncture to help relieve a little pain in one of her back legs. Yes, we live in Brooklyn. What would make you ask that? I kind of expected her classic pug physique to deflate like a balloon when the needles went in, but she retained her structural integrity. She more looked like she’d thrown a porcupine costume together last-minute for a Halloween party. Once Byzzy was all ‘cupined up, the vet tech told my wife to hold her still for twenty minutes, which is impossible. It’s like trying to keep a bowl of Jell-o steady on top of a dryer while it’s running. Also, no offense to our lovely vet, but holding a dog still for 1/3 of an hour does is basically an internship, right? Anyway, it worked a little bit maybe!)

This week, I’ll be telling jokes in California! Next week it’ll be Arizona! July is really flying by, huh?

7/11 - San Jose Improv

7/12 - Punch Line Sacramento

7/13 - Mic Drop Comedy San Diego

7/14 - Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles

7/21-7/22 - Mic Drop Mania in Chandler, AZ (four shows)

And, if you get to the end of this newsletter—or I guess want a break while you’re reading it—and aren’t sick of me, here’s what else I’ve been up to. This week I…

• Wrote a little ode to Polar Seltzer for Slate! It’s always a treat to defend Polar Seltzer, the best fizzy water overall imo, and the pride of Worcester, MA.

• Appeared on the Seek Treatment podcast with Cat Cohen and Pat Regan! I was a little nervous for this because Cat and Pat are SO funny and have such amazing chemistry, but it was a great time because they’re also extremely nice!

• Did some joking around with Andy Zaltzman and Tom Ballard on The Bugle. It’s slightly less topical now than it was on Monday, but I think it is—as Homer Simpson might say—still good, still good. (I linked to the YouTube video above, but it’s a podcast first and foremost!)

• Riffed a little guest post for

  lyz
  ’s usually-very-informative-except-when-I’m-writing-it newsletter! It’s about how grim and joyless internet quote-dunk culture has become, my own hypocrisy, and a stranger’s unexpected (to me) fetish. Huge thanks to Lyz for letting me dumb her publication down substantially for a week.

• Read out loud in a physical room with extremely talented pals

  Luke O'Neil
  ,
  Mattie Lubchansky
  ,
  Isaac Fitzgerald
  , and Rax King to celebrate the launch of Luke’s new short story collection, which you can purchase now!

• Had a blast at Union Hall hosting my latest “What’s New?” show with wonderful guests Julia Shiplett, DeAnne Smith, Prateek Srivastava, Cindy-Ann Boisson, and special guest Jena Friedman! Thanks to my guests and to everyone who came out!

PEP TALK FOR PEOPLE WITH SUNBURNS

Early summer lesson: You never get your own back as well as you think you will!

You really blew it! Maybe you didn’t expect to be in the sun as long as you were and neglected to reapply your SPF. Maybe you missed an easy-to-overlook spot like the backs of your hands or the tops of your ears while applying sunscreen. Maybe, in a fit of early-season hubris, you forsook sunscreen altogether because you felt invulnerable on a 76-degree day. Surely the sun’s rays would be too weak to overpower your suit of skinmail (yuck! not changing it though!) armor.

Well, they weren’t! And they did! Now you’re suffering from a classic vaguely self-inflicted injury, right up there with “ate pizza while it was still too hot” and “attempted a specific feat of physical prowess for the first time in ten years.” R.I.P. to anyone who’s ever tried to do the worm at their niece or nephew’s bat/bar mitzvah (or other non-Jewish celebration) after not having done it since their own. You biffed it, and you are suffering the consequences!

Right now, any pressure on your skin firmer than a cool breeze feels like your flesh is being smushed against a pancake griddle. But soon that feeling will fade! In a day or two it’ll be more like touching a lightbulb that was only recently turned off. Then your clothes will stop feeling like you’re wearing a tapestry of ants that is constantly biting you. Soon your body will be back to its baseline feeling of run of the mill good or bad. And you will, once again, be tempted to (in a defiant way, not a horny way) spit in the face of nature and reason (and I guess God if that’s your thing) and once again feel like the sun, which is 93 million-ish miles away after all, is no threat to you! You will feel beckoned to lounge in the park without the oily prophylactic of Coppertone between you and the center of our solar system. You’ll feel emboldened literally bareback it on your early morning walk because it’s not even that hot out yet.

I’m here to tell you NO! SNAP OUT OF IT! You can and should remember how bad you feel right now! The 2-5 minutes it takes to slather on a bunch of goop (or, I guess if I don’t want to virally market Gwyneth Paltrow’s brand…gunk) that protects you from searing pain and potentially skin cancer are worth it! Even if you’re just going to sit on your balcony and have a cup of coffee. Even if you’re just walking the dog. THE SUN DOESN’T CARE THAT YOU’RE WALKING THE DOG! IT’S THE SUN! IT HAS BIGGER FISH TO FRY AND THAT FISH IS YOU!

You’re going to feel better soon, but it’s important to remember the bad times, and act accordingly!

PEP TALK FOR A READER

(I did a little mushing around of words in this request, but nothing too serious.)

hey josh, long time first time, etc! i’ve been trying to decide if i wanna go full time at one of my part time jobs, which would solve a lot for me financially but would also be the job i like a lot less, and the person whose job i would be taking over is one of the two people i’m actually friends with at this job. i don’t necessarily know if i wanna do it or stay part time for now, but i would love a pep talk!
- Part Time Worker, Full Time Friend

(I think, maybe, I’ve responded to a similar request before, so bear with me as I try to make this reply encouraging and entertaining in a way that’s slightly different!)

It sounds like, PTWFTF, you at a true fork in the road. You can take Door #1 or Door #2? You can get with this or you can get with that. The choice is yours.

Logically, when we reach a crossroads, we tend to think of one path as the right path, and the other as the wrong path. Safety versus danger. Treasure versus dragons. The path Robert Frost is all smug about taking versus the basic path for chumps with no sense of adventure.

Here, you seem to be hung up between two fairly decent options, which in some ways is worse (no chance of treasure) but in other ways is better (no fear of dragons). The very good news is that you have a handle on the pros and cons of both situations. More money, more slog (which I realize sounds like a first draft of a biggie chorus), or less money, less hassle. I can’t say what’s right for you. I don’t even know what’s right for me half the time! You probably know what’s right for you though!

I bet you know, without even putting a hypothetical gun to your head (Quick digression: Who makes their best decisions that way? God bless you if you thrive under that kind of pressure, but that is not me. I routinely screw up ordering at a restaurant if I’m trying to do it without full consideration. And it’s not like a gun to your head would make you more honest. You’d just pick the answer that you think would result in not getting shot in the head, right? Okay, digression over.) you can figure out what you’re looking for from work right now. You’ve got a good idea about which choice can give you the thing you want more in this moment! Then, if you change your mind later, you can look for a new job that suits those needs! Not a terrible deal!

As usual, I don’t have any advice. But I do think you’re in a position to decide what you want and then make a choice to get it! Neither option seems ideal, but the upside to that is neither one is likely to fill you with regret about what could have been! Not normally what people mean when they say “No regrets!” but a win is a win!

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
Annie Hart - “What Makes Me Me”

Annie Hart’s new song “What Makes Me Me” is basically the platonic ideal of a That’s Marvelous Pick-Me-Up Song of the Week. It’s bouncy and bubbly, and it’s about maintaining optimism under suboptimal circumstances. The video (shot spur-of-the-moment at a friend’s prompt) is super charming as well and full of little spontaneous dances. Get your day brightened and then go see Annie (who you may also know from her band Au Revoir Simone) live if she’s coming to your city!

UPCOMING TOUR DATES

I’m in the middle of the second leg of my 1900s Kid Tour, and the first few dates are listed here! The rest of them so far are of course on my website!

7/11 - San Jose Improv

7/12 - Punch Line Sacramento

7/13 - Mic Drop Comedy San Diego

7/14 - Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles

7/21-7/22 - Mic Drop Mania in Chandler, AZ (four shows)

7/27 - Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me in Chicago (with guest host Karen Chee!!!)

7/30 - Co-headlining Colony in Woodstock, NY with Alison Leiby

8/6 - DC Improv (on pace to sell out!!!!)

8/8 - Zanies in Nashville

8/9 - Comedy Zone Charlotte

8/31 - Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me in Ann Arbor (sold out!!!)

9/8-9/9 - House of Comedy Detroit (THREE SHOWS NEW DATE JUST ADDED!)