Hi everyone,
It’s been an extremely busy week over here at Gondelman Enterprises (Wow that sounds like shit! Never again!). Instead of coming up with any kind of coherent narrative, I’m just going to do bullet points if that’s okay with you!
On Tuesday, there was a huge AFL-CIO day of solidarity, and I gave a few opening remarks which ended up on Deadline’s social media (Sorry I neglected to say that my mom also worked union jobs!!!) Also, I’d spoken at a rally in solidarity with flight attendants the week before and footage from that was posted by Sen. Bernie Sanders and Rep. Ro Khanna. It is extremely thrilling and overwhelming to get to speak at events featuring labor leaders like Sara Nelson and Rebecca Damon and Randi Weingarten. I hope I didn’t screw it up too badly!
On Wednesday I got to tell some jokes on my friend Gary Gulman’s show. Gary, who is operating on an absolutely preposterous level as a comedian and has been for years, has a book coming out next month, and you can pre-order it now or buy a ticket to one of his book tour shows that also includes a book. I recommend it!
On Saturday I moderated the Q&A for the very independent and very good documentary about the Elephant Six Recording Company thanks to wonderful people/talented filmmakers Rob Hatch-Miller and Lance Bangs. The movie is so lovely! Robert Schneider from the Apples in Stereo is extremely nice (and is a theoretical mathematician now??!?!?). Check out the documentary if it’s screening near you!!!
I’m on the most recent couple of episodes of the Circle Round podcast (which is appropriate and even intended for kids), and I’ll be on the one this Tuesday too! I had a great time doing silly voices, and the rest of the cast is legit amazing!
The New Yorker published a little humor piece I wrote about how sometimes people in tech take the wrong lessons from psychedelics.
I’ll be in Detroit telling jokes on 9/8-9/8 which is VERY SOON!
Okay I think that’s basically it! On to the pep talks!
PEP TALK FOR PEOPLE TAGGED IN BAD PICTURES
I think, as a nation, it’s time for us to admit that Donald Trump’s mugshot didn’t look quite as hilarious as we wanted it to. It’s a bad picture, sure, but it’s just run of the mill bad. And, like, there’s no way it was going to be good, so average bad is almost a victory for him. As much as anyone, I was hoping he’d show up in a tank top with his weird fake hair fully vertical, but it was never going to happen. What we ended up with was just your average hideous passport photo. Sorry, just speaking my truth here.
The problem is, we’ve all had bad pictures taken of us, and every time it’s an affront to our senses of self. The me in this image is not the me in my mind, or even the me from other, more accurate photographs, we think. It’s especially cruel when in the very same picture, everyone standing around us appears luminous and radiant, visibly in the prime of their lives, exuding health and symmetry and effortless sexual charisma. Meanwhile, we’re somehow making a face like we just swallowed the contents of a thermometer, standing with a posture that conveys ill intent like some kind of goblin, and doing goodness knows what with our hands and feet. We’re barely recognizable to ourselves. Or, worse yet, we see these pictures and think: This captures the real me, and I’d prefer that no one ever sees it.
I’m not here to tell you that no, you actually look gorgeous, like seven smoke seasons of a smoke show that went to smoke syndication and made everyone (smoke) rich. I’m here to say, not every picture of you is going to be tied for the best picture of you, and that is fine. Some will look just the way you want, where your hair is all in its right place (or if you don’t have hair, your scalp has exactly the right level of shine to it), and you aren’t squinting weirdly into the sun or smiling so intensely that people are worried you’re about to open your mouth and devour them in a single gulp. Others will not, and that is also totally okay.
Obviously, the society we live in has all sorts of toxic standards for how we should look. I’m not talking about that. No matter what size or shape or gender or race we are, we all, we can all be beautiful, and also we all empirically look like shit sometimes. It’s unavoidable. Honestly, I think it’s kind of good. Lower the bar for yourself. Break the curve.
We are in so many pictures now, and many of them range from goofy to brutal, which is unfortunate, but it’s how life is. No one who matters will see one of your teeth practically gift-wrapped in spinach and decide they don’t love you. No one who wants to kiss you on the lips will see a photograph where you appear to be mostly made of chin and decide that your lips are no longer worthwhile. Whatever your definition of hot is, no one looks hot all the time, even people who are professionally hot. When people see you in person, sometimes you look like absolute trash. Those people do not then exile you from their lives. The tools exist for us to look exactly as we want to in every picture, but that’s that sounds like a lot of work. It’s not your problem if you look bad. That’s for everyone else to deal with.
So even if a friend posts a picture of you on Instagram from a party where they look like an angel in full hair and makeup, and you look like roadkill come back to life, it will be fine. Most people will be too polite to say anything, and no one will remember it in a week.
And, in fairness, you can post a picture of them looking bad too.
PEP TALK FOR A READER
I have fussed with these just a bit to format them the way I want, as usual.
I could use a pep talk! My health insurance had a data breach and now someone is using my info to open up bank accounts in my name. I have to spend lots of time calling different banks and learning about credit freezing. Mostly I’m mad because it’s the summer and I’d rather be at the beach.
- Breach Bunny
Wow this is really bad! There is no upside to this! Even the SLIM silver lining I could possibly find with your situation (increased financial literacy) feels like improving your literal literacy by learning how to read the ransom notes after your child is kidnapped. Bad bad bad bad bad.
For better and worse, this is not your fault. It’s better because you don’t have to beat yourself up about it. And it’s worse because you’re probably not going to…beat someone else up. So you just have to live with how annoying it is for now. This whole deal will get less annoying in time, and presumably you’ll have some newfound perspective about how nice it is to not deal with something so stressful. But my guess is that if previously someone had said: “Would you like to have your identity stolen?” you’d have said: “Diamond-hard pass on that, my friend! No thank you.” This was not a perspective you needed that much clarity on to begin with, I imagine.
Bad things happen to good people, and often they don’t stay bad forever. And the best silver lining is that thanks to our oncoming climate catastrophe, it will probably still be beach weather once your situation is resolved!
I left my job, moved states, and bought a house to renovate all by myself! While I generally am pretty confident, this year has been a big one for me and I’m a little nervous about going so very far out on this limb, so a little gentle encouragement would be wonderful. Thanks from one year round iced coffee fan to another. <3
- Property Bothered
Even when things are good they can be such a hassle! Congratulations on owning a home, but my condolences on having to fix it up. It’s not the worst problem to have, but still…oof! On one hand, you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you. On the other hand, at least no one has…just spitballing here…stolen your identity and started opening up bank accounts in your name.
Just because things are big-picture good does not make them smooth or easy. But, to put that thing down flip it and reverse it, just because an endeavor is clunky and sputtery at times doesn’t make it bad. You chose this thing because you wanted it. Either you will get through this at whatever pace you’re capable of, or you will give up and unload this house on the next dork who thinks they could host an HGTV show if only they were given the chance. Either way, it sounds like you’ll have a place to live and an uncompromised social security number, which is a great place to start this new phase of your life!
PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
Radar Peak - “Heaven’s Gate”
Okay sure yes the lyric video for “Heaven’s Gate” makes it clear that this is a song about being bleary-eyed and exhausted and homesick. COUNTERPOINT, this song thumps and jangles along like a water cooler jug full of quarters rolling down a staircase (complimentary). I have listened to it MANY times since it dropped last week, and I can’t wait for the full album to come out in October.
Also, I’ve been listening to lots of other great new music! What a week for new releases! For a few examples: Open Mike Eagle’s new record that is as great as you’d expect, the new Crub EP which rocks and is goofy as hell, and the new album by Ratboys who I didn’t really know before but am now a big fan of.
UPCOMING SHOWS
I’m booking a few shows for later this fall, and I’m around doing set in New York (check out my website for details) but here’s where I’ll be on the road in the near future!
8/31 - Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me in Ann Arbor (sold out!!!)
9/8-9/9 - House of Comedy Detroit
9/29-9/30 - Laugh Camp St. Paul (several shows!!!)
One of the dumbest decisions I've ever made in my life was to not immediately follow up on looking up your newsletter when you first mentioned in on The Bugle/Gargle. Instead I heard it, thought, I'd probably quite like that, and then promptly forget about it next time I was near a device capable of accessing substack. Well, thank god I've finally rectified this error and have now signed up. You're a goddam delight.
Your hand position in that photo is perfectly reasonable given the circumstances. If it looks like somebody photoshopped a picket sign you were carrying out of the picture, that's because you've likely got "Picketer's Palsy." You know, from carrying all the picket signs. The cure is to continue carrying those signs until the AMPTP is ground down to a thin, malevolent paste.