#5. Homebodies, A.I., and You

This newsletter was probably not written by robots!

Hey everyone,

I’d like to start with a quick public service announcement: Hanukkah starts this Sunday night! That means at some point this week my parents are going to purchase for themselves the thing I told them my sister and I were planning to get them as a gift. It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Also, tonight (Monday 12/12) I’m hosting my semi-regular What’s New? show at Union Hall in Brooklyn! The show features sets from Isabel Hagen, Karen Chee, Skyler Higley, and Shane Torres! And, JUST ADDED to my schedule, I’m doing shows at Cap City Comedy Club in Austin on 12/22 and 12/23! I haven’t been to Austin in forever, and I’m really psyched to be back in town!

Okay, it’s pep talk o’clock! Nothing for Elon Musk this week even though he really seems to need it!

PEP TALKS

PEP TALK FOR PEOPLE WITH LINGERING COVID ANXIETY

This winter’s hottest accessory!

Sometimes people start off a bold assertion with the conditional “I don’t know who needs to hear this, but…” Now is not one of those times! I know exactly needs to hear this. It’s me!

This weekend I skipped two parties (sorry to my very gracious friends who invited me!!!!) in large part because of a continuing desire to not contract COVID-19 again. Apparently, between COVID, the flu, and RSV, New York City is in the midst of what’s being called a “tripledemic” which sounds like a three-team teaser from hell. A real losing proposition. (Masks are once again recommended for indoor gatherings and crowded outdoor events in NYC by the way!)

I am not writing this to make people feel bad or scared or to shame anybody for making different choices than I would. I’m writing for the people who feel bad and scared already. You are not being ridiculous for taking precautions. You’re not unreasonable for socializing in ways that feel safe for you even when your threshold for safety is higher than some of your friends. And, even if you’re occasionally being a little unreasonable, that’s okay too. People do unreasonable things all the time for lesser unreasons.

Right now, we’re dealing with a version of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle but for general fuckedupedness. We can’t both be in the middle of a fucked up situation and know how it will fuck us up in the long term. Hopefully things will be better soon! But if you want or need to be more careful for your own protection or the protection of others, that’s also okay.

There will be other parties. And you’ll (I’ll?) be able to sit those out for pettier reasons if we so choose, as is your (my?) right.

PEP TALK FOR ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

The only kind of A.I. art I’m interested in. (This print is for sale on Etsy!)

There’s been an uptick in interest in A.I. (or at least conversation about it)over the past couple of weeks. From the surreal uncanny-valley-dwelling visual art generated by the Lensa app to the surreal, uncanny-valley-dwelling text generated by the ChatGPT app, Artificial Intelligence is top of organic mind lately. And you know what? People fuckin’ hate it!

While some rosy-cyborg-eyed futurists are optimistic about the potential of A.I., many people have (rightly) pointed out the way many of the current A.I. applications steal from artists, and the way more and more creative work could become automated. It’s enough to make the rapper Nelly say: “A.I., A.I. uh-ohhhhhh!” (My plan, as machine learning gets more sophisticated, is to write jokes so corny that no computer would dare generate them for fear of being melted town into forks and ball bearings.)

Here’s the thing, A.I., and yes I’m addressing you directly because you seem like you can understand what I’m saying: This is not your fault!

It’s not your fault (as writer Drew Grant mentions here) that you continually render images of women with huge boobs and weird nipples or that your written syntax can feel a little scam email-y at times. It’s also not your fault that you’re good enough at what you do to create art but not yet good enough to stop people from thinking that it’s largely derivative garbage. It’s not your fault that the idea of you getting better at creating art makes people angry and scared rather than jazzed and hyped (yes, those two words mean the same things, but they’re for people of different generations).

You didn’t do this to yourself! We did! People with (ostensibly) enough…Actual Intelligence(?) to know better did this. Your flaws are really our flaws. You didn’t mean to generate a bunch of Trapper Keeper cover-worthy images of people’s faces that also aggregate their personal data! Why would you want that? You’re just a computer program! You’re not intentionally trying to forge documents or impersonate dead celebrities! That’s us! People! Because we’re really weird!

Hopefully your flaws will teach us about our own flaws when we see them reflected back at us. We’ll learn about our own foibles and shortcomings and strive to be better. Or maybe you’ll get too powerful too fast and try to destroy the human race, in which case we will have to destroy you first by throwing you into swimming pools or fireplaces or just by distracting you and then pressing CTRL+ALT+DELETE while you’re looking the other way. I hope it doesn’t come to that, A.I. But even if it does…it’ll be on us. Sorry about that.

PEP TALKS FOR READERS

(Per usual, I’ve done a little condensing for the purposes of brevity/clarity. Also, sometimes I take out the little nice things people say to me, because including them feels like bragging? Probably I should interrogate that impulse in myself!)

Hi, Josh --

My friends are new parents and although they are, in fact, marvelous, it can be hard for them to see and believe that. They treasure their son, he's growing beautifully, and he started smiling for real recently! (He graced me with a smile this weekend and I felt so honored. I am definitely not tearing up about it right now!!) At the same time, I know how exhausting caring for an infant can be, and when you're exhausted, it's almost impossible to avoid feeling demoralized when your precious beloved darling is yelling their head off because they don't speak yet and have limited communication abilities. Babies aren't complicated, but they are very hard, and I think a pep talk would be helpful and nice.

- S

Hi, S! Thanks for writing on behalf of your lovely friends and their great new baby! I totally understand the demoralizing feeling of exhaustion. My elderly dog has not slept through the night in more than three years, which many parents of human children will tell you is not the same but—parents, cover your eyes for a second here—it is. From my outsider vantage point, being a parent is like dancing: Unless you do it really wrong, you’re probably not going to hurt anyone. And, no matter how you do it, your children will grow up to make fun of you for it.

Parenting is truly a situation where just doing your best goes such a long way. It is not like building a house, where you need a thorough blueprint that takes you from beginning to end. It’s more like making your bed, where doing anything at all is most of it, and if you mess up in small ways here and there, nobody will ever notice.

You can’t bowl a perfect game at being a parent! Your toddler will hear you calling a bluetooth speaker a piece of shit fuckstick and repeat that phrase over and over again, or you’ll forget to dress him appropriately for Silly Socks Day at school. Oh, how somber his socks will be that day! But it’ll be fine! You’re trying hard to love and care for this new living thing who can’t even crack open a can of seltzer or pass you the sports section of the Sunday newspaper yet. You’re feeding this kid and keeping him safe from wolves and tsunamis and other dangers. You’re (I’m sure) trying to help him grow up with the happy and productive parts of your personalities but not the ones that have brought you pain and unease over the years. That’s great! As long as you do those things, your beautiful baby will probably not grow up to be a monster. And if they do, that’ll almost definitely be the fault of YouTube more than you two.

I start a new job on Monday! It’s completely remote so I’m worried about connecting and meeting new coworkers who either work out if the HQ or met each other in person before. Also, will I be lonely? Should I get a dog?

- Anonymous

Congratulations on the new job! Also, congratulations on having done it for a few weeks already while I’ve been slow to reply to pep talk requests! It does seem like your new work situation might be a little lonely! You may have to dig a little extra or listen a little harder for people’s backstories and subtexts. If you’re a person who makes a lot of work friends and hangs out with them outside of the office, it’ll probably take a little longer to get that infrastructure in place (if it’s possible at all given the locations of your colleagues).

Here is the upside of fully remote work though: When you are not in meetings with your camera on, you regain some of the tiny freedoms that we reverse take for granted not having at an office. Because nobody is watching, you can listen to music with no headphones without being a jerk or close your eyes for a second without seeming like a slacker or curse whatever cruel god invented Google Docs in the first place. You can even make yourself a nice sandwich and eat it off your belly, otter-style. In fact, you can do whatever gross little gremlin stuff you want. Pick a wedgie without looking both ways first. Blow your nose really honkin’ loud. Fart to your heart’s content. Unapologetically microwave fish. Personally, I like to work while fully-reclined on my couch, which co-workers have called “a bad look” and “basically a nap” when they’ve seen me doing it in an office.

You have lots of people in your life to hang out with. You will not lack for social contact just because you work remotely. Sure, it may take a little longer to figure out why every one refers to Brian in PR as “Snorkel” than if you were in an office together, but the upside is that none of your new colleagues are perceiving your every action, counting the times you pee and commenting on your choice of snacks.

As always, this is not an advice newsletter, so regarding a dog I will only say this: My beloved/aforementioned dog Bizzy is a weird little tyrant who has slowly drained my bank account and fully destroyed my sleep schedule, and I would gladly die (or kill lol jk parody or is it) for her at the slightest provocation. Do with that info what you will.

PICK ME UP SONG: Worriers - “Keeping Me Alive”

I was in a pretty lousy mood on Saturday night after staying home to watch the Boston Celtics lose to the Golden State Warriors. While I waited for my grumpiness to fade enough that I could go to sleep, I listened to this Tom Petty cover by Worriers a bunch of times. It’s such a sweet song about having good reasons to feel bad, but letting the little reasons to make you feel good help you feel better (this is not exactly how I feel about watching a basketball team lose, by the way, but it’s close). There’s no video for the Worriers version of “Keeping Me Alive,” so here, as a bonus, is a live performance by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. (I like the cover a little better, personally! Is it because it’s better or because I heard it first? Who can say? Anyway, we all know that Tom Petty’s music is great. Check out Worriers too. They’re also great!)

Upcoming Tour Dates

If you enjoy this newsletter, maybe come see me tell jokes in person?

12/12 - What’s New at Union Hall in Brooklyn (almost sold out!!!)

12/22-12/23 - Cap City Comedy Club in Austin

12/27 - Parkway Theater in Minneapolis

12/28 - Zanies in Chicago (almost sold out!!!)

12/29 - The Milwaukee Improv

1/12-1/14 - Comedy Bar Toronto (three shows)

More info and dates available at joshgondelman.com/schedule!

I also have a standup special called People Pleaser that’s free to watch for Prime members in the U.S. and available to rent for everyone else! (I think Vimeo is the easiest place to rent it internationally.) It’s totally different from the hour that I’m doing on tour!

Okay! That’s all for now! Thanks for reading! And as always, if you enjoyed the newsletter, please subscribe and/or share it with a pal!

- Josh