#67. Scam Victims and You
Baby they've got your money, don't you worry.
Hi everyone,
This past week, I have been beset by several inconveniences that I alone bear responsibility for, which I do not think is fair! On Friday, I realized that I had left a brand new cardigan (that I didn’t even wear on my trip to Orlando) in a dresser drawer in our hotel room in Orlando. I was, understandably and then a little more than that, irritated. But all was not lost! In an unexpected stroke of good luck, the hotel tracked it down and mailed it back to me once I provided them with a pre-paid shipping label that ran me nearly half the sweater’s original cost.
Then on Saturday while trying to delete a file that someone had emailed me, I accidentally wiped out the draft of a little piece of writing I had been working on but had not yet saved. I did that. With my own fingers. And yet, it feels as if I should be able to blame someone else for this. A flawed user interface, perhaps? A glitchy word processing application? Frankly, anyone but me would make a fine scapegoat, and yet, all the clues (doing the thing, seeing it happen, no other explanation remotely making sense) point back to me.
Out of frustration, I posted sarcastically online about both of these instances, and each time I received several replies wherein people urged me to fix the situation. They didn’t give advice (well, some people did, and I tried to heed it, but it didn’t help…not their fault). Many people simply proposed the idea of solving the problem. “Have you tried to recover the file?” “You should call the hotel! They’ll usually send you back the thing you lost.” I know they were being sympathetic, but in my heightened state of annoyance with myself, I was not in the mood to hear the suggestion: “Hey have you considered making things better?” I apologize for any cranky tweets I sent after putting myself on tilt with my own bad decisions. These problems were not your fault, no matter how much I would like to blame you (you being a small part of “anyone but me”) for them.
I was uncharacteristically crabby for nearly two days, and late on Saturday afternoon I took a nap in anger (didn’t know that was even possible) so that I’d stop annoying Maris with my sour mood. It kind of worked! Look at me “solving” problems!
Anyway, we had two perfect snow flurries in New York. They consisted of exactly enough snow to hang picturesquely on the branches of trees for a few hours, but not enough snow to turn into impossibly deep slush puddles at street corners. How are those puddles so deep? They’re like soggy tesseracts, and scientists are doing nothing about them. Way to drop the ball, science! Sorry, scientists. I’m still a little on edge about the other stuff, despite my relief at having a few days of weather that felt out of step with our general (terrifying) climate trends.
TICKETS ON SALE NOW
I know I put my schedule at the bottom of every newsletter, but tickets for a whole bunch of shows just went on sale. In addition to my quickly upcoming shows in St. Paul (next week!!!!) and Bloomington, Indiana and New Orleans a few weeks after that, tickets are now on sale for my west coast dates…
5/8: Cobb’s in San Francisco
5/10: Here-After in Seattle
5/12: Helium in Portland
…as well as my weekend in Burlington, VT (five shows from 5/16-5/18)!!!
The late show for my special taping at the Bell House in Brooklyn (6/21) will go on sale this week! I’ll post about it on social media but check the Bell House’s website too!
And as always if there’s a place you’d like me to visit for jokes that’s not on the schedule, let me know and I’ll try to make it happen!
PEP TALK FOR SCAM VICTIMS
Last week, The Cut published an essay by the magazine’s financial advice columnist detailing how a well-coordinated team of scammers swindled her out of $50,000. My friend
(whose very good book about divorce comes out tomorrow) asserted in her newsletter that while she doesn’t think she’d be susceptible to this particular scam, she is by no means unscammable, and she doesn’t believe many other people are either. I tend to agree. I don’t think most scams could ensnare most people, but basically everyone has some kind of button that a con artist could push to extract some level of value. I can’t imagine my dad, for example, falling prey to an online scam. He’s been an electrical-tape-over-the-built-in-webcam guy since my parents got their first iMac. And we all (okay, fine…just my sister and I) owe him an apology for calling that paranoid at the time. But do I think he could be taken in by an unscrupulous mechanic or furniture upholsterer? It’s certainly possible. (None of you lying, cheating tradespeople better try it though!!!)A lot of people who have been scammed worry that it was their fault. And, problematically perhaps, I believe it kind of is. It’s mostly someone else’s fault (unlike when you, say, delete AN ENTIRE DRAFT OF SOMETHING YOU’RE WRITING), although it’s maybe, just a little bit, partly yours. But also that’s not the worst thing in the world. It’s like…okay for things to be a little bit your fault. That doesn’t mean you’re bad. It just means you got got by someone who’s sneaky in exactly the way you’re dumb. You were tracked down by your reverse soul mate. It’s fine. I mean, it’s not fine, but you’re fine. Plus, like, if it wasn’t your fault at all, why is that better? All that means is that we are subject to the random whims of a cruel world, and there is nothing we can do to prevent further misfortune. No thanks! Wouldn’t you rather just admit that maybe you shouldn’t have given your credit card info to a guy selling concert tickets on the street. You live, you learn, you make sure to use those presale code next time your favorite band is in town.
The worst time I’ve ever been scammed *eyebrow waggle* that I know of took place on Coney Island right after I started dating my wife Maris. We’d gone to a Coney Island Cyclones game with a few friends, and the great part about a minor league baseball game is that the tickets are often affordable enough that you can leave in the middle if you stop having fun. And we did, so we did! We walked down the boardwalk and looked at the rides we didn’t actually want to ride but were happy to see other people having fun on, and we enjoyed the late summer evening.
Just before we headed to the subway, I had the inkling to spend a few bucks on a game where the goal is to toss a bunch of balls into a bunch of cups. I knew how rigged those carnival style games are, but for a few minutes of innocent fun, why not spend five dollars and see if I could beat the odds? Unfortunately, I did just well enough on my first round of tosses to get within underhand lobbing distance of a prize. So I paid for another round of balls. And another. And another. I couldn’t stand to let my new girlfriend see me defeated by some ping pong balls and a rack of Solo cups. Well, fifteen minutes and eighty dollars later, I’d exhausted all the cash in my wallet, and I skulked away from the booth, dejected. The gamesmaster (a title I made up) beckoned me back and handed me a prize, despite my falling short of the goal.
That means one (or both) of two things. 1. This gentle carnie (do we still say carnie?) took pity on me at my lowest moment. 2. I blew so much money on that stupid game that it made sound fiscal sense for the proprietor to simply hand me the prize, which probably cost him like $7 wholesale.
The stuffed bear the man handed me, which we nicknamed Vinnie the Pooh because he looks like he’s from a generic version of the Hundred Acre Wood (the Thousand Square Cubit Thicket, perhaps) lives in a closet on top of our washer/dryer.
Did a man with ping pong balls prey on an ingrained sense of toxic masculinity that I like to believe does not exist within me? Definitely. Was this my fault…oh yeah for sure no doubt about it. (Have I told this story before in the newsletter? Who can say?) We all have our weaknesses. There’s no shame (or, there’s some shame, but not enough to derail your life over) in running into the Paris to your Achilles. (Not the city! I mean Paris the guy who killed Achilles by shooting him in his eponymous heel, although please no one take my idea for an Emily In Paris prequel called Achilles In Paris.)
But remember: The CIA will never ask you for $50,000 in cash.
PEP TALK FOR A READER
I’ve condensed this request a little bit because the details are kind of harrowing to be honest.
My 6-year-old daughter has been on life support for several weeks now after a horrendous month. She had pneumonia in early January, recovered, returned home, caught the flu from someone at my dad's funeral, returned to the hospital, had to be intubated, developed pneumonia again, and we're now waiting to see if she has the lung strength to safely come off of intubation and the ventilator. She was born with CLN1 Batten Disease, which affects how her cells handle internal waste material, and it makes illnesses like the flu and pneumonia — illnesses healthy kids could normally shake off — into life-threatening events. We're hoping and praying for the best, but we can use any and all positive vibes, prayers, and (yes) pep talks that folks can provide!
- Waiting For Good News
This message predictably broke my heart, especially considering the ongoing global horrors (not to take your sad news and add other sadness to it). The news has been (or maybe is always) full of horrible and scary things happening to children. It is just about the worst thing in the world. Seeing footage and reading reports of the children injured and murdered in Gaza feels so heavy, and I can’t imagine the pain their families (the ones who are still alive) are feeling. I literally mean I can’t imagine it. When my elderly dog is sick, it makes me want to buy a sword and chop my own head off with it. I have to believe having a human child and seeing them under any duress would drive me to the brink of diving face-first into an active jet engine.
That said, your daughter is so lucky to have parents like you with the tenacity and the resources to get her the treatment that she needs. And it sounds like even amidst the loss you’ve suffered recently (and your daughter’s current health complications), you have a beautiful community around you pulling together during this painful time. The world is full of so much pain and horror, and the only way to make it better is for people to work together to help those of us that are hurting. You are doing your best to make that happen, and the people around you are doing it for you, and the people around them are doing the same thing. That is, in my dumbass opinion, the best of what people have to offer.
I wish I had something more useful or entertaining to say. But I do not! However, what I can offer is this very nice little community that reads this newsletter. So if any of you reading this have hopes or prayers or well wishes or however you categorize your comforting thoughts to direct at this pep talk requester, please leave them in the comments! It is the least we can do, which is sometimes also unfortunately the most we can do.
PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK: Heems - “I’m Pretty Cool”
The subtext of a lot of rap songs is “I’m pretty cool!” so I have a lot of respect for Heems making that the explicit textual thesis of this song off his new album. The song is basically a compendium of affirmations, and maybe some of them don’t apply to your life (“I’m blowin’ buddha with barracudas in Aruba”), but maybe some do (“I’m mad funny, people laugh at my jokes,” “I dress real well,” “I smell real good” etc.) or maybe hearing Heems enumerate his best qualities will get you started thinking about yours. I’ve had it on repeat all weekend trying to recover from my series of minor own-goals.
UPCOMING SHOWS
I’ve got some really fun shows coming up! Come see one! More NYC spots are listed on my website, and more road dates are coming soon!
2/20: Two Boots in Park Slope (Brooklyn)
2/22: Jungle Cat Comedy (NYC)
2/27: Hamilton Nolan Book Launch at Greenlight Bookstore in Brooklyn
2/29: Headlining Comedy Night at The Ditty (Queens)
3/1-3/2: Laugh Camp (St. Paul, MN)
3/7: Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me Live Recording (Chicago)
3/29-3/30: Comedy Attic (Bloomington, IN)
4/5-4/6: Junk Drawer Coffee (New Orleans, LA)
5/2: Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me Live Recording (Chicago)
5/8: Cobb’s Comedy Club (San Francisco)
5/10: Here-After (Seattle)
5/12: Helium Comedy Club (Portland)
5/16-5/18: Vermont Comedy Club (Burlington)
6/21: NEW SPECIAL TAPING AT THE BELL HOUSE IN BROOKLYN (Late show to be added THIS WEEK.)
Sending all the best wishes and most positive vibes to that girl and her family. For what little it may be worth, I’ve worked in healthcare for going on 14 years now and have worked with a lot of patients on ventilation and if I’ve learned anything after all these years in a hospital it’s to never say never, I’ve seen recoveries that I could only describe as miraculous and truly hope for the same here.
Thinking of that little girl and her family and wishing them all the strength as they go through an impossibly hard time. I think sometimes it helps to know that a whole WHOLE bunch of people are, all at once, wishing good things for you, and we are.