#68. Embryos and You

You could've been somebody!

Hi everyone,

If I seem a little extra exuberant in this week’s newsletter, it’s only because I expect the cardigan I left in Orlando two weeks ago will finally arrive in the mail today. This fact does not matter at all, and yet I have allocated an outrageous portion of my mental energy to it. My brain in this moment is like a computer that uses half its power to run Minesweeper. (In my day mines were for sweeping, not crafting.)

Outside of the Sweater Conundrum (Jason Bourne’s least compelling mission), my brain has felt mostly like my own this week, which has been nice. I spent lots of time hanging out with Maris and catching up with friends. Twice this week, I had a minor flare-up of a very particular anxiety, which is is as close to a literal “champagne problem” as you can get. At two separate restaurants, I wanted to order some kind of fancy pants tequila drink, but both beverages had colorful, venue specific names. Whenever I have to order something called like, a Beekeeper’s Lament or a Sleepy Pomeranian, I freeze up, worried I’m going to say something completely nonsensical or accidentally offensive. I’m always terrified I’m going to ask: “Can I please have the Mordechai’s Whiskers?” and the server will be like “What? Do you mean Methuselah’s Goatee?” And OF COURSE I mean Methuselah’s Goatee, but why would I remember that two-word phrase I’ve never heard before and will never utter again??? So, every time, I wind up reading off the menu like a kindergartener sounding out their first board book. Humiliating. (On Saturday night, Maris ordered a drink called “Squash Groban” and I’m sure if it had been up to me to make that order, I would have accidentally asked for a Squash Radnor.)

But other than that recurring quibble, I had a good week! On Friday night, we went to see Cole Escola’s brilliant/ridiculous play “Oh, Mary!” in which they play Mary Todd Lincoln. The show is so well done and so silly I can’t believe it exists. What a thrill! I mean that so sincerely. So much of what gets produced/recorded/created is allowed to exist because it seems lucrative, and I can hardly think of a less obvious choice for a theater hit (even in the wake of Hamilton) than a play in which Mary Todd Lincoln is portrayed as a horrible drunk who doesn’t believe the Civil War is real and just wants to leave the White House behind so she can go back to singing cabaret. Cole is a genius. Go see “Oh, Mary!” if you are in New York before it closes in May. (There are sometimes rush tickets available for a decent price, I’ve heard!)

I also saw my friend Nish Kumar absolutely crush an 80-minute standup performance at Union Hall! I love seeing great art at a venue I can comfortably walk home from. And I am tearing through my pal

Hamilton Nolan

’s new book in advance of our live event tomorrow (Tuesday) night in Brooklyn. I love to enjoy good work, and when my buddies make it? There’s nothing better!

Plus I finished a draft of a little freelance thing I’ve been dragging my feet on, wrote a new joke that seems like it might work (the most exciting kind of joke to tell, even better than the ones that already work), and came up with a possible idea for a next book (more on that eventually I think and hope, but if not please pretend I never said anything about it).

I feel generally on top of my thoughts and able to generate new ones in a way that’s a departure from the creative slush I’ve been wading through since the beginning of the pandemic. Maybe it is just a temporary burst of energy brought on by seeing and admiring other people’s excellent work. Or maybe, once I get that cardigan back, I will actually become invincible. Time will tell!

Anyway! I’m headlining a little show in Queens on Thursday and then a bunch of shows in St. Paul on Friday and Saturday! I’d love to see you there! (Also listen for me on The Bugle this week if you listen!)

PEP TALK FOR EMBRYOS

Nothing in that petri dish is a person.

Congratulations, embryos! The state government of Alabama is looking out for you, even at the expense of ruining the lives of actual people who are trying to conceive a child. Unfortunately, you are an unthinking, unfeeling, cellular nugget with no sense of personhood. So you’ll never be able to appreciate the sacrifice imposed by the state of Alabama on its citizens. Maybe some of you will grow into people who will learn about this law, but chances are you’ll still be like: “Wow that’s so fucked up that the government did that! There’s literally no benefit! It only serves to further exert state control over individuals’ reproductive freedom!” And you’d be right. That’s the kind of thought a person can have, but an embryo cannot, because embryos don’t have any thoughts at all. And, given this new law, you’ll have fewer opportunities to become a person with more cells, including ear cells, eye cells, and brain cells. So, enjoy the rest of your “life” in a freezer because it’s now illegal to destroy you, and it’s also increasingly unlikely you’ll be used to create a human being. You’ll be stuck in frozen limbo like the pint of Chunky Monkey ice cream I bought by accident and will never eat because I don’t like banana, but also can’t bring myself to throw away. But on the other hand, you’ll never have to pay taxes or get stuck in traffic. So…congratulations?

PEP TALK FOR A READER

The last couple of weeks’ pep talks have trended heavy, so I’ll try to keep this one a little less intense. We’ll see how I do.

I'm interested in getting back into dating. It's been a long time, I've been struggling with my confidence, and I don't have a ton of disposable income. Is there hope for a fella like me?
- On The Market/Priced Out

Not to discount the real pain of romantic loneliness, but given the slide show of misery in the world (and occasionally this newsletter), answering this question feels like hitting a watermelon off a tee with a sledgehammer (otherwise known as Gallagher Ball, not to be confused with “Gallagher Brawl” which is when you fistfight your brother while playing a concert together).

There is hope for a fella like you, Market/Priced! First of all, financially, I think a lot of people are in a similar spot to where you are. And despite the pervasive discourse on Twitter (“A man should be prepared to spend the Kelley Blue Book value of a 2012 Honda Civic on a first date or he’s not serious!”) I am a firm believer that there are no “cheap dates” under capitalism. By that I mean, as long as you’re not pretending to be an oil baron, if a date is a nice time, it’s a nice time. (SLIGHTLY CONDESCENDING MARRIED GUY RANT INCOMING) A big part of dating is just hanging out, and if you are good at hanging out (you are!) that goes a long way! It’s not the only thing that matters, of course. If it were, Cheech and Chong would be one of those married comedy teams like Stiller and Meara or Kellyanne Conway and her husband.

You are not hopeless as long as you have hope! (I know that sounds like something off of a decorative cross-stitch based on a line from a Star Wars movie, but I believe it.) And there are, in this context, so many reasons for hope. You are kind and smart, and people like you. There is no reason to believe that that will not translate into someone or a series of someones (or, in the newly buzzy tradition of polyamory) several someones at the same time, wanting to kiss you. Maybe they simply won’t care that much about doing things that cost a lot of money. Or maybe they’ll have a lot of money to spend on doing fun things and will want to spend that money doing those things with you.

It probably won’t be all fun, but the good part about a date is that if someone isn’t fun to be around, you don’t have to see them again. Dating, especially the early part, isn’t like exercising or composing classical music or baking croissants. If it’s unpleasant, then it’s not worth doing, and when it’s easy, that doesn’t mean you cut any corners. It means your hope paid off! So there’s hope for you, for sure, and all you have to do is…continue to hope it.

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
Robin S. - “Show Me Love”

Buckle up for some HUGE news in my life. Two months ago, my friend Chelsea posted a video of herself singing a little snippet of a song that was stuck in her head. She couldn’t figure out where she’d heard it or what it was called. (I believe her girlfriend suggested it might be the theme song from Pokemon, but alas it was not.) In a strange twist, Chelsea’s video got a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SONG stuck in my head that, cruelly, I COULD ALSO NOT IDENTIFY. For the last eight weeks, this riddle has driven me mad, with the Telltale Dance Beat playing louder and louder in my head day after day.

Well, on Saturday night I heard a song playing backstage at a show, and I knew immediately that my mystery had been solved. A quick Google told me the song I’d been thinking of was “Show Me Love” by the artist Robin S., and just like that (shout out to the Notorious S.J.P.), I experienced the mental equivalent of a piece of popcorn the size of a golf ball being dislodged from between my teeth. Maris and I hypothesized that it was tricky to pin down this song because of the identically named song (“Show Me Love”, obviously) by the similarly named artist Robyn. Regardless…mystery solved, sanity restored.

And, as a nice little bonus, the next song to come up on shuffle on my Apple Music account after “Show Me Love” was “Rather Be” by Clean Bandit ft. Jess Glynne which was somehow closer to the song I was looking for than any other song I uncovered during my literal hours of searching. If I’d found that one first, I think the slight dissonance would have driven me fully up a wall, so thank goodness I got them in the right order. I feel like my brain has abs. I am limitless. I am infinite. If you’re looking for devotion…talk to me. (Maybe this is the reason I had such a good week.)

UPCOMING SHOWS

I’ve got some really fun shows coming up! Come see one! More NYC spots are listed on my website, and more road dates are coming soon!

I intend on getting my money’s worth out of this little poster I made!

2/27: Hamilton Nolan Book Launch at Greenlight Bookstore in Brooklyn

2/29: Headlining Comedy Night at The Ditty (Queens)

3/1-3/2: Laugh Camp (St. Paul, MN)

3/7: Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me Live Recording (Chicago)

3/29-3/30: Comedy Attic (Bloomington, IN)

4/5-4/6: Junk Drawer Coffee (New Orleans, LA)

5/2: Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me Live Recording (Chicago)

5/8: Cobb’s Comedy Club (San Francisco)

5/10: Here-After (Seattle)

5/12: Helium Comedy Club (Portland)

5/16-5/18: Vermont Comedy Club (Burlington)

6/21: NEW SPECIAL TAPING AT THE BELL HOUSE IN BROOKLYN (Late show to be added THIS WEEK I think for real this time!!!)