#76. Pollen and You

Sneezey does it.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for kind words about my Writers Guild Awards monologue last week! (I include in that thanks, the nice people at Vulture who used this opportunity to take Matt Koff and Paul F. Tompkins’s joke about me to new levels.)

Smdh at the state of journalism. (jkjkjk but also yes but not for this reason)

Instead of allowing myself sufficient recovery time this week, I stayed out too late on Monday night after a show and then got sick. A compulsive/sensible (you be the judge) number of Covid tests later, I confirmed it was simply a fairly gnarly old school cold. At most points in my life, I would have taken this as a sign to demonstrate mastery over my own physical form and plug along with all my existing plans, miserable but uninterrupted. As a sensible-ish, nearly-forty-year-old man, I cancelled all my cancellable activities, which is most of them because I’m not especially important, and felt miserable at home.

The greatest stretch I can imagine for the definition of the word “injustice” is how I felt that there was no playoff basketball happening during the nadir of my illness. I was off by two measly days from this weekend of four-games-a-day! But I did watch Kyle Kinane’s new standup special Dirt Nap, which was, as expected, excellent. Kyle is one of the best working comedians both in terms of having interesting thoughts and finding original ways to make them funny (which is basically the job, imo, but some people coast)!

I am feeling a lot better thanks to sleep and tea and lots of good care from Maris and Bizzy. We will see if I learn the right lesson (your body needs time to recover when you’re not feeling well) from this or the absolute wrong one (I am invincible and will never die) from this experience. I’m back on the road a TON through May and June up to my special taping on 6/21. I’d love to see you at a show if I’m in your city!

I don’t know if anyone else does this, but when I get sick at all, I can never imagine a future when I’ll want to go places and do things ever again. I was surveying the concept of being at an airport with total dread. But now that I’m back at 90% health I’m fully psyched excited to travel and do shows, and feeling only the usual, general dread about hanging out in airports.

This week I’ll be in Washington DC on Thursday (4/25) for a live Lovett or Leave It recording!

Then on this Saturday the 27th I’m running through my standup hour in Brooklyn at Union Hall at 5pm!

Next week I’ll be in Dayton, KY (which people describe to me as “the Cincinnati area”) for four shows 5/3-5/4 at Commonwealth Sanctuary!!! Many more cities/shows listed at the bottom of the newsletter!!!

Oh also happy Passover, to any Passover celebrators out there! (And a happy belated Easter and Eid to all who celebrate those as well!)

PEP TALK FOR POLLEN

Bumblebees: The sky’s fuzzy little freaks.

Pollen, you are messing up a lot of people’s weeks, but you can’t help it. You give us so much (vegetation, and in turn, oxygen), and a little sneezing is a small price to pay for all life on earth. In many cases, sure, it’s more than just a sneeze or a sniffle, but the immense environmental benefits of your existence outweigh the drawbacks for sure. Although, just hypothetically, I could imagine a world where the proliferation of plant species across the globe doesn’t also require physical discomfort for the people who cohabitate on the aforementioned globe. And yes, we (humans) could also “stop hitting ourselves” in terms of destroying the climate in which we all live. But that’s not really what we’re here to talk about right this second. We are here to talk about how pollen sustains life on earth…and also a little bit about how it does so in such a fucking irritating way.

Screw you, pollen. And thank you for everything.

PEP TALK FOR A READER

I’ve made some minor tweaks to this request for the purposes of being concise! Plus I gave them the little nickname! But that’s all!

It's my wedding in July and I've made the somewhat cowardly choice to get a hair system (wig) at 30 rather than embrace the patchy bald spots. My head shape is not as sweet as yours so I can't embrace the bald yet. I feel like I will need a series of increasingly patchy wigs like in that Tim Robinson sketch to phase it out though.
- Bald Don’t Lie

I don’t think it’s cowardice to want to conform to the way we’re socially conditioned to believe is visually ideal (in this way at least). How can we avoid those pangs? Not that bald guys should experience special protection under the law, but it is a kind of guy people feel pretty free to make fun of without any real pushback, which doesn’t make it seem like an especially desirable thing to be. Bald women, of course, are somewhat unforgettably protected by the Archangel Will Smith. All that said, I understand the desire to tend to the garden you’ve got. Unless you are already famous as a bald person and THEN decide to re-sod the ol’ top yard, which is embarrassing. I’m sorry, Jason Alexander (mercifully bald again at long last), but it had to be said. There’s nothing wimpy or illogical about dreaming of have long flowing locks or a perfectly smooth and spherical Charlie Brown noggin on your big day.

WITH ALL THAT SAID! There is, I think, an additional element of boldness and self-acceptance that comes from dancing with the hair that brung you. Obviously, there’s a degree of “cleaning up nice” that most of us opt for on big days, even if the degree of “nice” (or “cleaning up” for that matter) is only necessary in our own minds. But, you’re going to spend the day around friends and family, and you’re going to have (presumably) a lot of high quality pictures taken, so there’s something satisfying about looking like what you look like, to an extent! If you’re anticipating you will look at those pictures in the future and think: “Damn. I was so flippin’…hirsute back then. What a smokeshow I was!” then that’s wonderful. If you fear there’s a chance you’ll look yourself in the eyes and think…I don’t know who that person was!…then, you know, that’s something too.

Neither choice is a judgement on your character! It’s just about how you want to look! (

Jessica DeFino

has a LOT more interesting and insightful stuff to say about that topic in her newsletter than I do.) At some point though you will decide lumpy (or totally flat, I guess?) skull be damned, you’re going to commit to the melon you’ve got. And it’ll feel weird, and then it will feel normal, which will feel great! (Personally, I am the softest/roundest/baldest I’ve ever been, and the photographs I took in a tuxedo last week are some of my favorites! Make sure you have a nice suit for the wedding too, if that’s your style!)

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK: Donwill - “Ape Shit”

Donwill is the resident DJ at Butterboy, which I’ve been co-hosting all month (only two Monday nights left in April!), but he’s also a great producer and emcee (and podcaster etc. etc.). He’s put out a lot of excellent solo music and a lot of excellent music as part of the group Tanya Morgan. “Ape Shit” (a collaboration with Dash Speaks) just STOMPS. Is it my 2024 NBA Playoffs anthem? Time will tell but I’m leaning YES. Donwill rules.

UPCOMING SHOWS

I’ve got some really fun shows coming up! Come see one! More NYC spots are listed on my website, and more road dates are coming soon! OH ALSO: In April I’ll be guest cohosting Butterboy at Littlefield with my friend Maeve Higgins every Monday! :)

4/22: Butterboy at Littlefield in Brooklyn

4/25: Lovett or Leave It in Washington, DC

4/27: Headlining Union Hall in Brooklyn (5PM SHOW!!!)

4/29: Butterboy at Littlefield in Brooklyn

5/2: Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me Live Recording (Chicago)

5/3-5/4: Commonwealth Sanctuary (Dayton, KY) (Four shows!)

5/8: Cobb’s Comedy Club (San Francisco)

5/10-5/11: Here-After (Seattle) (THIRD SHOW ADDED!)

5/12: Helium Comedy Club (Portland)

5/16-5/18: Vermont Comedy Club (Burlington) (Five shows!)

6/8: Helium Comedy Club (Philadelphia) (4:30pm show!!!!)

6/15: Kismet Improv Theater (Pawtucket, RI) (EARLY SHOW SOLD OUT! LATE SHOW ADDED!!!)

6/21: NEW SPECIAL TAPING AT THE BELL HOUSE IN BROOKLYN (Late show tickets on sale now!)