#83. Bennifer and You

Don't cry because it's over (again). Smile because it happened (again).

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the delay here. I was a little under the weather on Saturday, and for the past week I have been completely consumed by the NBA Finals, which is weird because I am not playing in any of the games. The Boston Celtics, however, are competing for their first championship since 2008, so my days have been pretty full with group texts and listening to podcasts about basketball. Of course, if the Celtics lose any game in this series, I will ignore all basketball discourse until the next time they win, for the sake of my own mental health. This is, to me, normal.

I’ve also been working with the production team for my standup special on getting that side of things ready to shoot in A WEEK AND A HALF!?!?! which has been really fascinating. With my last special, the production/design/direction was largely out of my hands, and it’s been so cool to have a say in how this new one is going to look and feel. It is extremely thrilling to have a really talented group of people working with me to create and execute a vision. I hope I don’t fuck it all up!!! (JK I probably won’t do that.)

Thanks to everyone in Philadelphia who came to my 4:30pm show on Saturday and to Anna and Zilla for killing as openers! I love performing at Helium Comedy Club in Philly even though I got booed (by one person) for saying that I own a Red Sox hat! Philadelphia is Philadelphia all day long, and I respect that about them.

THIS WEEK: I’m so excited for these last few standup tour dates before I film this hour (6/21), and I would be so psyched to see you if you live in or near Stamford (6/13), Rutherford, NJ (6/14), or Pawtucket, RI (6/15)! I’m also running my set one last time in Brooklyn at Union Hall on 6/18 before I record! I’m having a good time with this material, and I’m excited to put it on wax (not really on wax) and then start to build the next show.

Outside of Jrue Holiday and Derrick White’s perimeter defense (I promise I will not go into greater detail on this), something that’s been bringing me a lot of joy lately is getting to collaborate on work projects with friends. My buddy Chris Werner is directing my standup special (again, way more on this in an upcoming newsletter), and I’ve been able to work with friends on this run of nearby standup gigs (thanks again, Zilla!). This week, Alexandra Kayhart is opening for me in Connecticut on Thursday. Kenice Mobley is coming to New Jersey for my show at Bananas, and Andrew Mayer is coming down from Boston to open my Pawtucket shows! It’s such a treat, and I’m very grateful for it!

Plus I’m going to see my buddies from the All Fantasy Everything podcast do a live show Tuesday night in Brooklyn! They’re on tour and their live shows are SO much fun, so if you’re near where they’re going, I recommend you check them out!

PEP TALK FOR BENNIFER

Gone Girl (2014)

I’m sorry but I cannot help writing about Ben Affleck when given the opportunity. Here we go again!

Ben and Jen, if I may use your first names, congratulations on opening your hearts to one another a second time. People who don’t understand what definitions are frequently say that the one for insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. You are not irrational for giving love another shot any more than Charlie Brown was unwell for trying to kick that football over and over again. You merely believed in the transcendent power of romance, the thing we love seeing you both do in movies! To criticize real life you for doing that, well, it would be awfully cynical of the rest of us to do.

So your reunion didn’t last forever. What lasts forever? Every laptop I’ve ever had lasts for roughly one presidential term. Do I consider that a failure despite the years of word processing, video editing, and internet connectivity they provided? Okay, yes. But that’s more about the cost of a new laptop than a lack of appreciation for the old one. The human soul knows nothing of planned obsolescence. Sometimes two people yearn for each other across decades, despite their extremely evident unfitness as partners for each other. And I think that’s beautiful.

Ben Affleck is most frequently photographed looking as if he just watched his car get towed, whether he’s walking the red carpet or carrying his practically-Sisyphean Dunkin’ order. Jennifer Lopez thrives in the spotlight and sometimes seems to be in movies to continue the overall project of Jennifer Lopez. Opposites attract, sure. But like honey and hair, not all things that come together are at their best when they’re joined. You two gave it your best shot, which was good for a couple of years, which is more good years than many people have had the last couple of years, which has to count for something. Now you’re reportedly selling your house. Hey! You owned a house! That’s pretty cool! I’d like to do that someday!

You have also, inadvertently, given us all an object lesson on the thrills and perils (intended to rhyme the same way Emily in Paris is) of getting back together with an ex. That’s such a gift to give the “I should call him/her/them” community. The highs: getting to relive your youth while possessing the wisdom of age. The lows: getting dragged to a work function (the Grammys, a Dunkin’ commercial) by someone whose shit you were sick of two decades ago.

To (gently) paraphrase the Notorious B.I.G.: If you didn’t know…now you know. And if knowing is half the battle, finding out twice is basically the whole thing.

Not to mention, you probably put your publicists’ kids through grad school or funded their first four years as TikTok influencers. That’s pretty generous too.

PEP TALK FOR A READER

This request was lightly edited for the sake of brevity. Although if brevity is my concern, I didn’t really need to write “the sake of” now did I?

I work for Planned Parenthood and spend 95% of my work time planning for what we are going to do nationally as an org if Trump wins again in November. It's a dark place, as you can imagine! <3
- Stress Laid Plans

Like many (but not all) TikTok/Instagram videos of crowd work, I’m going to use you, the person I’m talking to, as a prop to address a wider audience with a thing that was already in my head. You probably know a lot of the stuff I’m about to say already! Sorry! I don’t mean to be condescending; it’s just that this newsletter is for a bunch of other people too, so you kind of walked into this situation without knowing!

If Donald Trump wins the presidential election, a bunch of things will probably get worse. It’s generally bad for a country to have its highest elected official be an old racist whose brain seems to have been fully poached in its fluids by the Florida sun, and whose main goal is to earn enough electoral votes that his increasingly brazen series of financial crimes is harder to prosecute for four more years, assuming he lives long enough to leave office, but isn’t physically hearty enough to lead a more formidable insurrection next time.

Here’s the other thing though: If Joe Biden wins the election, things can still get worse! That’s not (exclusively) a critique of Joe Biden. It’s simply an acknowledgement that the goblins who want to roll back civil rights and abortion rights and LGBTQIA rights (as well as any combination of those things) do not burrow into the earth and remain dormant for years like cicadas when their preferred candidate loses an election. They keep spending money and time fucking shit up. Some of them even fly the American flag upside down in front of their home in support of an attempted coup despite serving on the Supreme Court. (Must be nice to have a job you can’t be fired from even when your old boss leaves his position amidst considerable controversy and every day the news reveals a new way in which you specifically are corrupt. Maybe I should change careers.)

Yes, this has become one of my frequent pep talks that starts out extremely depressing, so let’s see if I can pull it out at the end.

Many things about life can feel wonderful no matter who is the president. But many things are bad no matter who’s in charge of the country (citation unnecessary). Like Bruce Banner in the first Avengers movie, or roughly half of the guys I grew up around, it can be helpful to stay mad as hell, and then find constructive ways to let it out instead of tearing through your purple shorts or fighting another dad outside a youth hockey game.

When you squint through this kind of pessimism it can almost look like optimism. If things are bad NOW, we can always be making things better…now. We don’t have to wait for the other shoe to drop. It’s raining shoes. Has been for a long time. There are only so many shoes a president will stop from bonking us on our noggins as we commute to work or drink coffee on a patio.

In the good-bad times (now) as well as the bad-bad times (maybe the future, definitely the recent past), we can really only do the same things: Show up for each other and work towards making the world better in whatever big and small ways are within our power. (This is similar to my favorite thing Jon Stewart said in the first episode of his Daily Show return!) It’s okay to stock up on garlic even if you don’t expect someone to invite a vampire into your home. Worst case scenario, the vampire arrives and you’re prepared. Best case scenario: Garlic bread! You know?

(Also some newsletters specifically about abortion access and legislation that are good to read include

Susan Rinkunas

and

Jessica Valenti

’s excellent publications!!! They’re helpful in terms of knowing what’s happening and how to direct your time/energy/money to making things better.)

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
Friends Who Folk - “When We Sing Together”

Rachel and Ned of Friends Who Folks are both extremely funny and nice, and they also have beautiful singing voices, which, how dare they. This song, off of their brand new album, is so goofy. It really made me laugh when I listened to it. I always have to tip my cap when people use time and resources and talent for such a silly joke.

Also I can’t believe I’ve forgotten to post the new Charly Bliss single!!! It’s such a great pop song. I’ve described their upcoming album to friends as their Charly Rae Jepsen era, because they’ve moved away from making (excellent) songs that rip do making (excellent) songs that bop.

And, my friend Lillian King (a wonderful and talented producer for Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me) just put out a new EP that is very good! I’ll say it once again: How dare you?

UPCOMING SHOWS

I’ve got some really fun shows coming up! Come see one! More NYC spots are listed on my website, and more road dates are coming soon!

6/13: New York Comedy Club - Stamford, CT

6/14: Bananas (Rutherford, NJ)

6/15: Kismet Improv Theater (Pawtucket, RI) (EARLY SHOW SOLD OUT! LATE SHOW ADDED!!!)

6/18: Running My Hour Set One Last Time at Union Hall (Brooklyn)

6/21: NEW SPECIAL TAPING AT THE BELL HOUSE IN BROOKLYN (Late show tickets on sale now!)