#23. Captain Ahab and You

Whale, whale, whale. Look what we have here.

Hi Everyone!

Some light housekeeping up top: I’ve been messing around a little with Substack Notes which is this platform’s Twitter-esque function that provides a little more of a social media timeline. You won’t get any extra emails about it, but it’s been a fun place to share stuff I’ve been enjoying and have conversations in something closer to real-time than comments on specific newsletter comments encourage.

Also, my standup special People Pleaser is now free to watch on YouTube (if you live in the United States or have some sort of VPN that makes people think you do *wink*). It’s an hour of jokes that’s different than what I’m doing on tour, and if you like it, I’d love if you’d tell a friend or post about it publicly somewhere. Also, I’ll be in Wilmington, NC this week at Dead Crow Comedy!!! I’ve never been before, but I’ve heard great things! (Tickets for my 6/4 show in Kansas City just went on sale too!)

And, while we’re here, a few pals of mine launched new books last week! Ella Cerón released her debut YA novel ¡Viva Lola Espinoza!, Natasha Pickowicz launched her dessert cookbook More Thank Cake (which I can’t wait to bake things from), and Alexandra Petri put out Alexandra Petri’s US History: Important American Documents (That I Made Up). All of them are worth your time, but I got to be a part of Alexandra’s NYC launch event where comedian Gary Gulman read a few excerpts from her book, and it’s so so so funny. I laughed out loud a ton and SUPER recommend checking out Alexandra Petri’s U.S. History.

A very funny book that you should buy!

PEP TALKS FOR LITERARY AND HISTORICAL FIGURES

As part of Alexandra’s book event, she asked me to write and perform some pep talks for literary and historical figures who appear in her fake textbook. I had a very nice time writing them, and I thought I’d publish them here so that they don’t disappear into the ether after one very delightful live show! Here goes…

Pep Talk For Captain Ahab, Chasing The Whale That Took His Leg

This is Gregory Peck, not the real Captain Ahab, who is fake. So I guess he’s as real as any Captain Ahab? Damn. PHILOSOPHIED!

Look, Captain, I’m going to come out and say it: Catching that whale isn’t going to bring your leg back. Even if he still has it, it’s probably all worn out from whale stomach enzymes. Getting it back would be like having a leg made of beef stew. You can’t let the whale continue to live rent free in your head like this. The human head is not big enough to house a whale, even though this whale is more of a metaphor for foolish, unattainable desire than it is an actual whale. You’ve got to focus on being the best one-legged sea captain you can be. And you’ve got this! You’re better at captaining than most captains would be if they had THREE legs, especially when you’re doing regular captain stuff and not pining after a whale who is just not that into you!

Pep Talk For Richard Nixon
Richie! Baby! So many people love you and voted for you, and it’s so much healthier to focus on that than it is to secretly record your enemies. Of course the Democratic National Convention is going to say bad things about you! That’s like Ronald McDonald listening in on a meeting of PETA! You know what the results will be! Stop acting like a clown, man! 

Even if you’re going to be a paranoid lunatic, think about all the secret recordings you’ve made where nobody schemes against you at all. That’s so many secret recordings! Look on the bright side. When you’re using your power as president to covertly acquire lemons, don’t forget to make them into lemonade. Hell, maybe that will win you some new friends!

Pep Talk For William Jennings Bryan, After His Third Attempt To Become President Failed

This photograph of William Jennings Bryan was taken before cameras had the power to capture human lips.

The great news here is: You don’t have to be president. It’s such a bad job. People are mad at you all the time, even the ones who like you. Plus you’ve got to be at war sometimes, which seems stressful. Right now you’re living the dream, Big Willy Style. As Secretary of State you get to craft national policy, but you don’t have to worry about ALL of it! You can keep being mad about gold while loving silver. That’s a weird line to draw in the sand (they alway seemed so similar to me?), but you do you, you little freak. Economics all feels so weird and imaginary to me, so let’s go all the way with it: Silver forever! Suck my dick, gold!

Plus, even though you lost, you’re still the youngest person in history to receive an electoral vote for president. They call you The Boy Orator, which I assume was a cool nickname at the time, even though now it sounds vaguely pedophilic.

Pep Talk For Hester Prynne, Recently Sentenced To Wear A Scarlet “A”
Congratulations on having relatively few sexual hangups compared to most people from New England!

Pep Talk For Edith Wilson after Woodrow Wilson Had A Stroke And She Had To Start Acting As President
First of all: Do NOT worry about impostor syndrome. You are literally an impostor! That sounds scary, but it’s so liberating. People didn’t vote for you to be president. You might not do a good job! But SOMEONE has to do it. So lean in. I think that’s what that phrase is about. Don’t worry that you’re overstepping your bounds and taking on a role you’re unqualified for. Yeah, you’re a fraud. Do your fraud girl shit. Fraudy-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody. That’s right. You’re not Woodrow Wilson. But you’re also not just Edith Wilson. You’re Edith THEE Wilson.

Pep Talk For Michael Collins, The Astronaut Who Had To Stay Behind In The Ship
Okay I know this feels like a bummer. I imagine you lost science’s most consequential game of rock, paper, scissors and had to stay in the ship while the other astronauts hopped around on the moon like it was their personal big grey bouncy castle. But I ask you this: Is the getaway driver not an integral part of the heist crew? Of course he or she is. (It’s 2023, and women are allowed to be getaway drivers now. Not sure if that was the case in the 60s.)

What’d you really miss out on? Golf? Golf is boring, and playing it with moon gravity is cheating. Also, anyone who would say you didn’t go to the moon, how fucking close have they gotten huh? The top of a big hill? An airplane that got 30,000 feet above the earth only to come right back down in Chattanooga. Let he who has been on the moon cast the first moon rock. 

Although with that said, if Neil Armstrong calls you and asks you to sit in his car so it doesn’t get towed during street cleaning, you kind of have to suck it up and admit he got you.

Pep Talk For Moby Dick, The Whale

This is probably the chillest picture of a whale I’ve ever seen. Definitely no sea captain has made it his life’s work to hunt down this cool dude.

Moby Dick,  you are so much more than a metaphor. You are an actual fictional whale. And yeah, you took Captain Ahab’s leg, but we all make mistakes! And it wasn’t like you came into his house in the night and stole the leg. He came to your home, the ocean, like a jerk, and you defended yourself. That’s in your nature as a scorpio, and even if that’s not your sign, you should tell people it is and apparently it’s just FINE to act however. If Ahab is still mad about it, that’s on him, not you. You’ve got to let go of the past. No more drama in your life. This year, Moby Dick, no more hateration or holleration in the seven seas. That’s a quote from nautical bard Mary J. Bilge.

PEP TALKS FOR READERS

As usual, I have condensed these pep talk requests just a bit for various reasons which are my business. I also received one request for an issue that was fully resolved by the time I wrote to follow up, which I will count as a victory even though the initial question has been omitted from this newsletter. (Although it may appear in a future edition if I need something to write about.)

I’m starting my job hunt after 5 years of being unemployed and am terrified. Middle aged man changing careers. Imposter syndrome much? Except I’m basically paralyzed with fear.
- Job Gnarly

You know that weird conventional wisdom about how bears are more afraid of you than you are of them? There’s a kernel of truth to that with jobs as well. Not that prospective employers worry you will maul them (although, if you play your cards right in the interview you could achieve that too), but the fear of the thing is probably worse than the thing itself.

It’s so understandable to fear getting busted for being secretly bad at a new job. And I don’t like to give advice here, but one way to avoid that is to be openly bad at your job. Not flat out incompetent, but curious and eager to learn and ready to do a little extra work to catch up instead of faking your way through things. At the very least, admitting to yourself that your skill set is a work in progress is such a generous way to reframe those anxieties.

People are bad at things all the time, and it’s almost always fine. Unless you forged a Brain Surgeon’s License or a Certificate of Bomb Defusing Excellence, you will be okay catching up on the job. You’ll get better at it as you go, and then you’ll feel justified confidence instead of manic charlatan confidence. “Fake it ‘til you make it” is really just “practice makes perfect” with some embellishments on the résumé.

Hi, Josh. If you're still taking requests for pep talks for this week's, I could use one. I had my fifth embryo transfer last week, and I'm waiting to take a pregnancy test on Friday. My last two pregnancies ended in early miscarriages, and I'm worried all the time that this attempt won't work, either. I'm also doing this without a partner, which means I don't have someone equally invested in the process to lean on.
- Anonymous

First of all, fingers crossed for good news on the test! That is probably not medically helpful (despite my 10th grade health teacher’s creative interpretations of what kinds of things can cause pregnancy), but it is what I have to offer.

For you to be taking on this process without a partner must mean you are very excited about it, but it also sounds like you’ve felt very lonely when you’ve faced obstacles. I bet that even though you don’t have anyone in your life who’s equally invested in your embryos, you probably know a lot of people that are somewhat interested. And that is also pretty good. Instead of a 50/50 partner in this (and honestly, if you’re the pregnant one, you get bumped up to a 60/40 investment at least), you have a support system of people who won’t fully share these specific ups and downs, but still can be there to lend support like in any intense situation you go through.

It’s like a pot luck dinner, but for feelings. Nobody is going to give you everything you need, but everybody has something good to offer, even the friend who brings the emotional equivalent of plastic cups. Look, it’s not exactly a high-effort offer, but without cups…what will we drink out of??? The point is, even when you don’t have one person to lean on a lot, you’ve got a lot of people to lean on a little bit. And just like with a pot luck dinner, people will offer what they can, and it’s okay to reach out with a gentle reminder that sometimes you need more than cups too.

PICK-ME-UP BIT: Gary Gulman - “State Abbreviations”

If you know anything about me (and assuming you’ve read even this one newsletter, you know a little about me), you know I’m a sucker for friendship. It was a real joy to get to be a part of such a wonderful book launch event for Alexandra Petri who I’ve known for a zillion years! And it was extra fun that Gary Gulman (who I have similarly known for a zillion years) was there too. “Hey, look at us now! We’re really doing it!” is one of my favorite feelings.

Gary, if you don’t know, is one of the best standup comedians working (and was really doing it at an extremely high level already by the time I started). He’s got a bunch of tour dates coming up, and he is the star of the critically acclaimed standup special The Great Depresh (and many other equally beloved specials). Instead of a pick-me-up song this week, I’ve included this set from a few years ago that’s just a description of a (fake) documentary about the team that abbreviated the names of all the U.S. states down to two letters. It’s so throughly imagined and sustains better than you’d believe is possible. Including this bit also feels personally and thematically unified with today’s That’s Marvelous in a way that is extremely satisfying to me. Enjoy!

UPCOMING TOUR DATES

I’m gearing up for the second leg of my 1900s Kid Tour, and the first few dates are listed here! The rest of them so far are of course on my website!

4/20 - Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me Live Taping in Chicago (I am a panelist this time, not the host)

4/21-4/22 - Dead Crow Comedy in Wilmington, NC (Four Shows)

5/10 - Spokane Comedy Club

5/11-5/12 - Upper-Left Comedy Festival in Seattle

5/19-5/20 - Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia (Three Shows)