#34. Frightened Dogs and You

Fireworks are real, but they can't (or at least won't) hurt you!

Hello everyone!

I hope you’re having a lovely long weekend! Honestly, I think more long weekends should last for at least four days. We have not been thinking big enough. Yeah, a three-day weekend is longer than the traditional two-day variety, but does it really qualify as long? Let’s have a little imagination, people! It seems to me that as long as we have a weekstart of at least one day, the balance of that week (six days, logically) could comprise the weekend. Science lately is all about making phones smaller and then bigger again, but we need to refocus on what really matters: Maximizing the length of the weekend. The theory is sound! Let’s put it into practice!

Oh also, while we’re here, my very funny and cool friend Dru Johnston starred in this short film called Donkey. It’s fifteen minutes long, and Dru is dressed as Shrek the whole time. It’s funny and tender and worth your quarter-hour!

A QUICK ITEM OF BUSINESS…

I’ve got a BUNCH of tour dates coming up!

On 7/9 at 5:30pm I’m running one of my semi-regular What’s New? shows at Union Hall in Brooklyn. I’ve got great guests like DeAnne Smith, Julia Shiplett, and more! These shows almost always sell out, so grab a ticket now!

My run of shows through California is NEXT WEEK!!! I’ll be at the San Jose Improv on Tuesday 7/11, and it’s a huge room so I’ll feel like a real dumbass if nobody shows up! The next night (Wednesday, 7/12) I’m in Sacramento at the Punch Line! Let’s do this, California’s capital aka the Albany of the west coast. Thursday I’ll be back in San Diego for the first time in…14 years? Is there still that one good burrito place my friend Misha took me to in 2009? We’ll see! And we’ll have a heck of a show! Surprisingly (don’t tell my agent I said that), people have been buying tickets (hell yeah)! Get yours now! And then Friday 7/14 I’m headlining Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles! Many people have asked me when I’ll be back in LA, and the answer is…Friday 7/14! This show also may sell out, so grab tickets if you’re so inclined! My friend Danielle Perez and other special guests will be telling jokes too!

Then, the following weekend (7/21-7/22) I’ll be at Mic Drop Mania in Chandler, AZ, which I have recently learned is pretty close to Phoenix! I’ve never performed in Arizona before, and it’s fun to have spent the last year checking new cities and states off my list! It’ll be even more fun if people are in the audience! The weekend after that I’m doing one show in Woodstock, NY co-headlining one show with my good friend Alison Leiby at Colony on Sunday 7/30!

Sorry to do so much business up top! I just realized that I hadn’t shouted these some of shows out specifically in a bit, and they are coming up FAST!

PEP TALK FOR DOGS WHO ARE SCARED OF FIREWORKS

I would be lying if I told you I’ve never been scared of a sound. It doesn’t even have to have the startling boom of a M-80. I’ve jumped out of my chair at the unexpected creak of a door opening with no advance notice. And, not to rub it in, but being at least partly colorblind, dogs are not in the best position to appreciate the splendor of a fireworks display. The whole thing probably looks like re-runs to them, even more than it does to us. On the whole I can understand why pets are not excited for the 1812 Overture’s big night out.

Despite the numerous unpleasantnesses associated with explosions in the sky (not to be confused with instrumental post-rock group Explosions In The Sky, towards whom dogs in general seem to feel generally neutral), it is going to be okay. Most of these display don’t last longer than thirty minutes, which I understand is closer to two hundred and ten dog minutes. It’s not necessary to hide out in the Pet Panic Room aka the bathroom that we humans use the way you employ the sidewalk and the sink, in one handy location. The rest of our homes are equally fortified against the booming brightness of the outside world.

Look at us. We’re calm, right? Aren’t dogs supposed to take cues from their people? We aren’t scared. At most, we’re annoyed that the sound from whatever we’re watching on tv is being exploded over. The only scary aspects of a fireworks display to us are when we see them in person, and the lines for the Porta Pottys by the bandshell and the prospect of trying to find parking start to feel insurmountable.

These noises and flashes will not hurt you. Not everything that seems scary is dangerous! That’s an important thing to remember. And, similarly, not everything that isn’t scary is safe. So please, please stop trying to eat chicken bones off the sidewalk. You’re giving me a heart attack.

PEP TALKS FOR READERS

(As usual I did a little tweaking for clarity and length here, but nothing untoward.)

I've done seven 5-minute open mics spots spread out over 4 years, and hopefully I’ll get to do 3 or 4 more by August. The thing is: I'm performing in a double act 1 hour, one-off show in the Edinburgh Festival in 5 weeks. Pep would be helpful.
- Not Ready For Prime Time Player

For readers who aren’t aware, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival consists of approximately infinity performances (often one-person shows) populating literally any available indoor space across the Scottish city. Performers put their shows up every day for the month of August while slowly losing their minds, the exception to that rule being when they lose their minds quickly. People come from all over the world at great expense to participate in the festival, and they often spend the entire year (or longer) getting their shows into festival shape. Fringe reviewers can be unforgiving, and audiences (if they show up at all) often come with high expectations.

You, Not Ready, are absolutely not ready for this, and that’s fine! At this point, you can try to get some more performance experience, and you can practice your act privately, but you’re going to be wildly underprepared compared to most of the other performers at the festival. The silver lining is: You don’t have to compare yourself to the other performers. They are not performing a smoother, more throughly considered show beside you onstage. For one hour, you are the only thing happening in that room. You can simply have a nice time putting on a show for whoever decides to buy a ticket. You’re taking one night to be a part of a historic institution. Nobody can take that thrill away from you. That rules, even if the show itself stinks!

Your upcoming show is a great occasion to sincerely apply the rubric: What’s the worst that can happen? Really consider it! Think about how bad a one-hour show can possibly be. No one comes? Oh, it can get worse than that. How about: The entire audience consists of one elderly Scottish man who boos the whole time? That’s pretty bad, right? What if that elderly hooligan is the arts critic for an influential newspaper who writes a lengthy and scathing takedown of your performance and makes it unnecessarily personal? Even worse. But…

Who cares? You’re doing this show once, and then it’s done. Even the full nightmare scenario coming true would probably ruin your evening, but definitely won’t ruin your life. And it’ll make for a good story. They say comedy equals tragedy plus time, but it can also equal inconvenience plus…I don’t know, a day or two? Have so much fun with this show! And if everything goes wrong, it’ll only be wrong for an hour (which, yes, does equal seven dog hours, but you’re not a dog) and you can go back to the rest of your life.

Hey Josh! Asking for a pre-wedding pep talk here! Getting married in September and in the throes of wedding planning, which isn’t a slog, but is just a super long process. any advice is good advice. Also, if you need a Celtics pep talk, I’m willing to give it.
- Hoping For An Immaculate Reception

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!!! Being married to someone you love, in my experience, is the best! Wedding planning, even with someone you love, in my experience, is a huge hassle! The two feel so unrelated. Starting a marriage by planning a wedding feels like scheduling a vacation and then traveling there by rolling down a hill in a trash can.

Ultimately, much like a one-off Edinburgh Fringe performance you’re not prepared for (see above), a wedding happens, and then it’s over. Then you can get on to the good stuff (being married)!

The other thing people lose sight of with a wedding is that with obvious exceptions depending on who’s paying for what, specific cultural expectations, and which family members may throw a punch at which other family members: You can kind of do whatever you want. You don’t want a wedding cake because you’ve literally never tasted a good one in your whole life? Don’t have one then!!! Buy a bunch of cookies from your favorite bakery and put those out instead. You don’t want to do a seating chart? DON’T! Have a buffet-style dinner and make sure there are enough chairs and tables for everyone. The attendees are (presumably) mostly grownups and can figure out where to sit. Don’t have a best man or a maid of honor if that’s not important to you. Do your first dance to “Dragula” by Rob Zombie. Put out glow sticks instead of flowers. There’s no one from the Bureau of Wedding Traditions who’s going to kick in the door to the venue and arrest you.

That was our whole wedding cake! Who likes a giant cake? (The pug toppers were a gift from my sister.)

Every wedding is subject to the push and pull of multiple family situations and occasionally religion and usually the bounds of financial plausibility. But what a wedding (especially the reception) is NOT is a rigidly scripted ordeal handed down on a scroll through the centuries. It’s a party! Plan a fun party! Have a fun party! Take pictures of the fun party! And then enjoy the rest of your life!

Sorry to advice, but as someone who had a very fun wedding (despite scheduling it on the Friday of Memorial Day Weekend…sorry, friends and family) I did have some things to say here it turns out!

(Also, thank you for the offer of a Celtics pep talk. I’m feeling less despondent this week but am still firmly in the sulking period of processing their recent transactions.)

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
Nick Shoulders - “Whooped If You Will”

Within three days, I became aware of Nick Shoulders by hearing this song and then read my friend

Natalie Weiner

’s great interview with him in her newsletter

Don't Rock The Inbox

! That’s exactly the kind of confluence of circumstances required to get a song into this newsletter.

Mostly, “Whooped If You Will” is a swaggering wail of resignation (“damned if you do, damned if you don’t/whooped if you will whooped if you won’t”) but there’s just enough of a silver lining to cling to (“you can’t win ‘em all, but I hope you win a few/damned if you don’t, damned if you do”). Sometimes you’ve got to take what you can get! And other times, it’s fine to get what you can take!

UPCOMING TOUR DATES

I’m in the middle of the second leg of my 1900s Kid Tour, and the first few dates are listed here! The rest of them so far are of course on my website!

7/9 - What’s New? at Union Hall in Brooklyn

7/11 - San Jose Improv

7/12 - Punch Line Sacramento

7/13 - Mic Drop Comedy San Diego

7/14 - Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles

7/21-7/22 - Mic Drop Mania in Chandler, AZ (four shows)

7/27 - Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me in Chicago (with guest host Karen Chee!!!)

7/30 - Co-headlining Colony in Woodstock, NY with Alison Leiby

8/6 - DC Improv (on pace to sell out!!!!)

8/8 - Zanies in Nashville

8/9 - Comedy Zone Charlotte

8/31 - Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me in Ann Arbor (sold out!!!)

9/8-9/9 - House of Comedy Detroit (THREE SHOWS NEW DATE JUST ADDED!)