#57. Non-Person Of The Year People and You

We're the problem. It's we!

Hi everyone,

As I write to you, we are right smack in the middle of Hanukkah. Today is Day 4, which follows Night 4, because the Jewish calendar (much like the werewolf calendar) is based around the moon. In the small picture, I am having a nice holiday. Maris (and Bizzy the pug) and I have been lighting candles each night, although Bizzy’s lack of thumbs makes her more of an observer than a participant. Yes, we do have to hold her up in the air so she can see the candles. Yes, we are those people. I’ve also been lighting the candles with a matchbook from our friends Bailey and Steve’s wedding earlier this year, and that feels unexpectedly nice!

I have, also, after years of gentle prodding, talked my mom down from giving me eight (thoughtful but cumbersome to carry home to New York City) little gifts to a more manageable single sweater and a pair of Boston Celtics socks. Sadly, I wore the socks during the Celtics recent loss to the Indiana Pacers in the NBA’s in-season tournament, so they are confirmed bad luck and I can no longer wear them during games. Sorry, mom!!!

If I’m being honest (and why would I bring this topic up just to lie to you?), in recent years I’d gotten a little sloppy about candle-lighting. I’ll take a night off if I’m not home at sunset, or I’ll start a couple of days late if I forget to buy the candles that fit into the menorah holes. This year, though, I’ve been extra mindful of making sure I carve out the time to light the candles and wait for them to burn out so I don’t accidentally burn down my apartment by leaving them unattended. Is that normal fire safety or good old fashioned Jewish neurosis? Who can say?

I’ve been more dialed in this year I think because there’s been so much public debate about who gets to call themself Jewish and what that identity entails. On the internet, I’ve been called a self-hating Jew for supporting a ceasefire in Gaza. (One person sent me a DM telling me to “read a fucking book” but made no suggestions for which book I should read, which felt like a dead giveaway that they had not taken their own advice. I did follow up to ask which book they proposed I read, and they replied, I quote: “One with FACTS in it.” Guinness Book Of World Records it is, I guess?) I don’t hate myself! Or at least, I don’t hate that part of myself! I do hate how long it takes me to just make a fucking dentist appointment, but that’s not related to this conversation, I don’t think.

I have also had some thoughtful and productive conversations about Israel in the past week. Several people have expressed to me that they feel the hostages taken by Hamas are not being considered enough in the public discourse, which (while I want them to return home safely) I don’t necessarily agree with. Late last week, the U.S. vetoed a U.N. resolution calling explicitly for an immediate ceasefire and the safe return of the hostages, and I had kind of hoped that this news would expand the outcry for the United States to change its position, but I haven’t seen that yet. Maybe it has and my sample size isn’t big enough to know! It definitely seems clear that the U.S. continuing to supply weapons to Israel (and Israel continuing to use them to kill Palestinian people) doesn’t have a ton to do with getting the hostages home, though. So even if some people weren’t already convinced that that’s a destructive course of action (which it was before, too), maybe they will be now?

I’ve continued to feel very moved seeing Jewish people stand in solidarity with Palestinians. Also, I’ve been heartened seeing so many people speak up against scary instances of antisemitism (not to be confused with criticisms of a government, its military, and its right wing leader) when they occur. That is the kind of Jewish community that feels really relevant to my understanding of religious tradition and philosophy (which, I admit, is not super detailed, but I think my brain has its heart in the right place). I have also been thinking about a piece I wrote for McSweeney’s almost exactly year ago called “How To Hate a Jew Like a Jew” which I’d frame a little differently if I wrote it today, but I stand by overall.

I know there’s other stuff going on in the world too, but this has stayed top of mind for obvious reasons!!!

In other, smaller picture, news…

My friend, comedian Kenny DeForest was hit by a motor vehicle while riding a bike and is raising funds for medical costs if you have a buck or two to spare this holiday season.

To veer wildly in tone: I was on the extremely fun podcast Tell Me About It talking about slam dunks.

My friend Shane Torres has a great new standup special out now on YouTube!

Plus, I accidentally scheduled a little bit of a residency for myself at Union Hall in Park Slope (Brooklyn) during the slow mid-late December time! I’m telling jokes on Good God (12/17, 8pm) and Tommy McNamara’s Christmas Boy show (12/19, 7:30pm), and then I’m hosting another What’s New? on 12/23 featuring guests Alison Leiby, Rojo Perez, Meredith Casey, and more! I think it’s going to be so much fun, and I’d love to see you there if you’re around!

In January, I’ll be at the Comedy Vault in Batavia, IL (which I’ve heard great things about) and PEOPLE OF BOSTON(!!!) I’ll be back home the following weekend doing shows on the North Shore at a fun little venue. Ticket info available next week I think, but I am so excited about these shows that I had to mention them right now!

Okay on to the rest of the newsletter!

PEP TALK FOR EVERYONE WHO ISN’T TIME’S PERSON OF THE YEAR

Is the cat okay though?

I’m sorry, but you can’t compete with Taylor Swift. That is not to say that she’s better than you at everything you do, but if she decides she wants what you have, it will be hers. She is inevitable, indomitable, the city hall of people. When she is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, people across the globe realize, seemingly for the first time, that it’s good to like the people you date. When Taylor is in the middle of a breakup, it dawns on listeners across the globe that it’s better not to be dating someone you don’t want to be involved with. Her heart has the moon’s gravity; it changes the tides.

Most of us have not been Time’s Person of the Year since 2006, and almost none of us ever will be again. That’s okay! Once is pretty good! I don’t know if you do this too, but when I’m thinking about things I want to accomplish or places I want to go, I have the tendency to measure myself people who do/have/are the most. That is, at best, impractical. At worst it’s light self-harm. I will never be Taylor Swift. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you will not be Taylor Swift. (I’m sorry you had to hear it from me.)

You don’t have to be named Person of the Year to be a person who had a worthwhile year. Maybe your boyfriend did not stand at the side of the stage at your concert in Buenos Aires, watching while you changed the lyrics of your hit song “Karma” to mention him. Did someone you love visit you at your job? Or, barring that, did you get to have a nice lunch with your favorite coworker? This all counts. Maybe you weren’t nominated for any Grammy awards this year. That’s fine. The rest of us get to enjoy the Grammy-nominated records without doing the work to make them.

As 2023 drags its way to the finish like John McClane with his feet full of glass shards, it’s nice to think about what you did do this year. Every year, we all (including Taylor Swift) fall short of infinite achievements. There is so much we didn’t do. But we all had to do something every day. Did you knit a sweater? Did you wear a particularly good sweater? Did you do most of a crossword puzzle? Did you find a new place to get pizza in your neighborhood? You did so many things and had so many thoughts and shared so many experiences (good and bad) just by being alive. Maybe you weren’t always the best version of yourself, even. But who cares? That’s an outrageous standard to hold yourself to. Every episode of The Simpsons isn’t even the best episode of The Simpsons!!! The version of yourself you were got you here, and maybe next year will be better. (Or maybe it’ll be worse, but, as I just implied, every year isn’t going to be the best year!!!)

So, if you thought you had a chance at landing the cover of Time, I’m sorry but it was never going to be yours, but you will bounce back from this disappointment. Shake it off. Shake it off.

PEP TALKS FOR READERS

I did a little condensing of these requests, but they didn’t need much! :)

I'm in the final round of interviews for a marketing/comms job I want very bad. I'm a good writer but I feel like a fraud. Can you give me one of your patented pep talks?
- Am I Worth It? Let Me Work It!

Happy to help! I do have a pretty standard job interview pep talk! It’s quick and sincere!

• Unless you have perpetrated some substantial deception, they’re interviewing you because they like you and what you have to offer! So you can just be you!

I will also add, with all the talk in recent years about “impostor syndrome” we’ve sometimes lost sight of the fact that it’s okay to be better at some things than at others, and to be a work in progress. We do not live in a world where fraud/expert is an unassailable binary. You do not have to be an infinitely confident grown up Boss Baby to deserve this job or to do it well! It is okay to feel a little bit bad at things because it’s okay to be a little bit bad at things!

You can’t do much more than what you’ve already done through your whole career to this point to make yourself an appealing candidate before this interview! So, good luck! And if all else fails, commit fraud, because then you won’t have to wonder whether or not you’re a phony. (Just kidding…mostly!)

I’ll be real - I don’t often think I’ll be the one who needs a pep talk, but my ass has really been kicked these past few weeks!

I broke up with my partner of six years a few weeks ago. Then, ten days later, I got laid off. I was supposed to be starting my Big New Chapter and Striking Out on My Own but now…I’m temporarily moving from LA into my parents home in North Carolina because I’m worried I’ll go broke if I pay security deposit + rent on a new place. I’m also feeling like I shouldn’t find another job in my field (pharmaceuticals) because it’s…kind of amoral! I’m lost. I’m scared. I’m seemingly pathless. Ack!

- Home For the Holidays…And Beyond

I am not a big lemons to lemonade guy (if I wanted lemonade, I would have bought it, or its ingredients, at the store already like an adult), but this is a situation in which the old adage applies. The truth is, this is the Big New Chapter and the Striking Out On [Your] Own you’ve been waiting for!!! Big changes are exciting, but they’re also really hard and often feel like shit for a while. Of course they do! Otherwise people would make them all the time! Instead they usually just do small changes like getting drastic bangs or trying to become a Leather Jacket Guy (and even those changes go terribly half the time).

Best case scenario for a big change, someone appears in front of you and offers you the romantic love you’ve always imagined for yourself and/or several duffel bags of cash to do your dream job. But not everyone gets the Shohei Ohtani treatment! (To be clear, I don’t think the Dodgers tried to physically seduce Shohei, but I wouldn’t have blamed them for trying! He’s an all-time great!)

Second best case scenario is where you are! I swear! You’re somewhere safe and not at risk of financial ruin. You are no longer beholden to obligations that don’t suit your longterm future. That’s amazing!!! Although it also bites! Because you’re not making an income and there’s no one to rub your feet or neck at the end of the day right now (unless your family is much closer than mine).

You are in a good place that feels bad, which is completely fair. And it’s better than being in a bad place that feels good (using heroin or eating the candy walls of a witch’s house, for two examples). Some could still show up with that duffel bag too! I just wouldn’t count on it until you win an American League MVP award.

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
Rainbow Girls - “City Slickers”

I met Rainbow Girls in March while we were both working on the JoCo Cruise, and they’re all so talented and switch off singing and playing different instruments during their live shows. Plus they are all nice and cool as hell, and they initiate late night Uno tournaments with the other acts wherever they’re performing. Anyway, Rainbow Girls put out a new record last week, and “City Slickers” is my favorite track. Fortunately there’s a video for it that I can share! It’s folksy and propulsive, and the Girls sing beautiful harmonies. I could have picked a holiday song of some kind this week, but frankly I haven’t been listening to any!!! Sorry to Grinch you all, but this will be nice too I promise.

UPCOMING SHOWS

I’ve got some really fun shows coming up! Come see one! More NYC spots are listed on my website! Some more road stuff coming soon plus a big announcement I think…sorry for the delay on this.

12/14: Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me at Carnegie Hall (NYC)

12/17: Good God at Union Hall (Brooklyn)

12/19: Christmas Boy with Tommy McNamara at Union Hall (Brooklyn)

12/23: What’s New? at Union Hall (Brooklyn)

1/18-1/20: The Comedy Vault (Batavia, IL)