#63. Aggressive Water and You
I'm just trying to stay hydrated, not Waterboard My Thirst.
Hi everyone,
After some light travel delays, I got back yesterday from a really wonderful weekend at the Comedy Vault in Batavia, IL, which is not at all Chicago, despite my agent’s suggestion that it’s basically the same. When I woke up yesterday morning, it was -7 American degrees outside, and my rental car battery decided it simply was not up to the task of starting (okay, boundaries!). The guy I called to jump start the battery showed up almost an hour later than was promised, causing me to miss my flight, which was expensive and annoying but ultimately fine. The Delta help desk agent was an angel, but all the customer service folks I dealt with kept asking: “How are you today, sir?” (sometimes even after I told them what the problem was). I tried to honestly, but gently answer “Bad! I’m doing real bad right now! That’s why I waited on hold to talk to you!” I’m a real “no worries if not” person, so I tried to give myself the best shot at getting my problem solved rather than saying “You know, I just had to scrape my frozen breath of the INSIDE of my windshield, which was a unique and exciting opportunity for me! So feel free to charge me extra to put gas in this defective car you rented to me!”
Other than that, Batavia was a joy (not sarcastic)! Everyone at the club was so nice, and my openers were terrific! It’s been so much fun getting to tour places I’ve never been to and to have people come out to see me on purpose. Even when it’s just half the crowd that knows me already, it plants such a useful little seed of laughter that lets me come in extra confident to do the jokes I want to do, rather than trying to guess what the crowd wants to hear. So, thanks to everyone who’s been coming out after hearing me on NPR or seeing that I wrote for shows they like or for any reason, really!
Speaking of tour (nature’s clumsiest segue) tickets for my 3/29-3/30 shows in Bloomington, Indiana and my 4/5-4/6 shows in New Orleans are on sale now! And of course this week I’ll be back home in Massachusetts at Off Cabot in Beverly (1/26-1/27)! (There’s one more big live show announcement below! Stay alert, readers!)
As I made a big fuss about in the previous That’s Marvelous, last Monday was Monday was my birthday and I celebrated by eating overpriced (but delicious) shellfish with a few wonderful friends who I could bully into a fancy Monday night dinner. One friend very nicely replied to my birthday Instagram photos that I was the king of seafood towers, which she could not have known would make me sing: “When you were young you were the king of seafood towers…” in my best Jeff Mangum voice around my apartment for three solid days.
I also got to see the brilliant Monica Heisey do a reading to celebrate the paperback launch of her extremely funny novel Really Good, Actually. Monica’s guest readers were also great, and
Koul’s excerpt from her upcoming essay collection brought the house down extra…seismically(?). (Scaachi’s first essay collection is one of my favorites of all time!) So many friends (myself included) showed up to support and enjoy the show, which made me very happy to see and be a part of!I had a bunch of professional things happen this week that maybe, as readers of my newsletter, you’d enjoy. I was on the great Wil Anderson’s podcast Wilosophy talking about comedy and life and Judaism. We recorded it back in September, but the feeling of “if not now…” feels even more relevant than it did back then, for obvious reasons. I’ve been feeling extra Jewish lately, shellfish consumption aside, especially in terms of feeling a connection to Jews standing in solidarity with Palestinians, and it was interesting to see that that principle was on my mind last fall too!
Maybe the biggest news of the week (in terms of my career at least) is that the little ten-minute mini-special called “Trauma Response” I recorded late last year with Don’t Tell Comedy is now available to watch and enjoy! I’m really proud of these jokes, and it’s the first real polished standup I’ve put out since my last special. The set is only ten minutes long and it’s free to watch. It would mean a lot to me if you’d check it out, and if you like it, leave a comment or a “like” or share it with people you know. (It would mean a lot on a personal level, but literally professionally more and more hinges on algorithms and visible metrics with big numbers, so it would functionally mean a lot as well!) Thanks! I hope you like it!
Okay if you like my standup comedy (and I imagine, again, that most of you here do), here is a long-teased, long-brewing announcement…
I’m recording a whole new comedy special (and album) later this year!!! I’ve been touring steadily for the past year and a half, and I’m so excited to record this hour live in Brooklyn (get tickets now!!!) this June. I’m working with my long time record label Blonde Medicine (whom I love), and my friend Chris Werner, who has directed so much great stuff for Last Week Tonight and now SNL is going to direct! Even though the show is a few months away, it will for sure sell out, so I wanted to make sure you, dear newsletter readers, got an early heads up.
Okay on to the business!
PEP TALK FOR AGGRESSIVE WATER
I understand that metal cans are more easily recyclable than plastic bottles. And I appreciate the value of a non-alcoholic beverage that one can consume inconspicuously without putting the brakes on an otherwise alcohol-intensive event. With all that said…come on, Liquid Death. You’re not even carbonated. Why do you look like what The Punisher drinks after a jog?
Using the image of a skull to sell water is both intense and nonsensical. A skull is like…the least wet part of the human body. You might as well just put fingernails on the can. And, “murder your thirst?” I just need something to wash down a salty snack. I’m not trying to commit a felony inside my mouth.
Aggressive water, if you took it down a notch, people would still love you. Everyone needs water. You are water. For years, Poland Springs water used the slogan “What it means to be from Maine.” and people drank it despite that tag line evoking a guy protecting a blueberry patch with a shotgun. (Okay so I guess there is more of a similarity to “Murder your thirst!” than I originally let on.)
Nobody drinks water because it’s violent. Nobody needs a firehose blast of quenching, or to be stabbed in the thirst with a wet axe. I know the branding is tongue in cheek (right next to the place where water enters the body…smart!), but any thirst that is slaked with your product is immediately worked back up with aggressive eye rolls. It’s ironic that the selling point for hydration is so…sweaty.
Just let the water sell itself. It is, with apologies to cum, the original life-creating fluid. And I’m sorry that That’s Marvelous subscriber my mom had to read that last sentence. But I thought the phrase “with apologies to cum” and couldn’t just let it rattle around in my head alone forever.
PEP TALK FOR TWO READERS
Okay I’m mushing two requests together this week SO SUE ME!
I just got laid off at the end of the year and there aren’t many jobs posted for my industry right now, so I’m nervous about my future. I’ve been working as medical writer in the medical devices field for the last 4.5 years. I don’t have the traditional scientific background that people in my position usually have, so I’m worried about getting past HR screeners. I worked my way up through the various jobs involved in running clinical studies and then got hired for this really great medical writing position, which I really enjoy.
- Cool As (Dev)icePep talk needed! I've been unemployed for over a year now, and just last week, found out I didn't get any of the three positions I'd interviewed for in the last month (I was in the final round for two of them). Pretty bummed out honestly. Thank you!
- Positionless Bawl
It’s that time again for the recurring pep talk theme: Despite the fact that we live in a capitalist society, our work does not define us! And with the usual caveats that it is enormously stressful and often ruinous to not be earning money…here goes!
I don’t love that saying about God closing a door and opening a window. A door is not the same as a window. If you wanted a window open, you’d have cracked it yourself instead of opening the door and then waiting for a breeze/deity to teach you a lesson. “God never turns off an oven without powering on a microwave.” Okay, cool. But those are two different things with two different purposes. Real neat, God! Now we’re having hot pockets for dinner while this pot pie goes to waste. Maybe Job refused to curse your name while being tortured, but I’m built different. I’ll blaspheme at the drop of a hat. Even if it was my fault that the hat fell on the ground.
THAT BEING SAID, just because you are having a bad time doesn’t mean all your time has to be bad. Does that make sense? Like, maybe this difficult stretch will lead you each down a new and exciting path. (It’s happened before! You got to this point based on hard work and openmindedness and talent and circumstance!) Or maybe your next jobs will be total drudgery (even if they’re in the field you’re aiming for). But, if you can turn off the “what am I doing with my life?” part of your brain when you’re not using it, even this hard time can have nice moments. You don’t always need to be in fight or flight or monster-dot-com mode.
Personally, when I am between jobs or projects, I tend to get bogged down in sitting at my computer and trying to Do Something Productive (boooo!). But there is not always something productive to be done. Especially when you don’t have a regular income stream, even if there is something productive to do, you don’t have to do it all day every day. When you’re job searching, you are allowed to go for a walk or watch a movie you’ve been meaning to see during the day or call a fellow unemployed friend (or a friend who doesn’t work 9-5) and catch up. You can do whatever you want, especially if it’s free. You have a whole life outside of your career. And, in fact, your whole life is currently outside of your career.
I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I will say this: You’ll get another job! It’ll be okay…or better than okay…or worse than okay. But this in between time is part of your life too. And you’re more in charge of it than ever because no one else is the boss of you at the present moment. You can open and close whatever doors and windows you want. Take that, God!
PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
The Lemon Twigs - “My Golden Years”
So much jangle! Readers know I am easily susceptible to jangle!
(This song recommendation was cribbed directly from
UPCOMING SHOWS
I’ve got some really fun shows coming up! Come see one! More NYC spots are listed on my website, and more road dates are coming soon!
1/26-1/27: Off Cabot (Beverly, MA)
2/1: Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me Live in Milwaukee
3/1-3/2: Laugh Camp (St. Paul, MN)
3/29-3/30: Comedy Attic (Bloomington, IN)
4/5-4/6: Junk Drawer Coffee (New Orleans, LA)
The first time I heard of Liquid Death, my husband and I had taken our 15 year old niece to a concert and I could not figure out why teens and tweens were walking around with 40s. Was I so old that 21 year olds now looked like literal children? It was all extremely confusing. But then my husband went to get us water and came back with Liquid Death. Mystery solved but also, yes, so aggressive for just water. I always love your newsletter and this one especially made me giggle.
I really loved that ten-minute set!