#79. RFK Jr.'s Brain Worm and You

In your heaaaaad, in your heaaaaaad wormy, wormy, wormy-y-y.

Hi everyone,

Happy belated Mother’s Day to all who celebrated. I guess also belated happy Mother’s Day even to the people who don’t celebrate. You don’t need to have a bad day just because you’re not observing the holiday. Specifically, happy belated Mother’s Day to my mother, and my mother in law, and Maris who is canonically the mom of our pug, Bizzy.

I’m a little groggy today from travel. I woke up at 5am for a 7am flight, only to get to the airport and see an email from 1am that said I’d been delayed by two hours. Technically that is on me, but no jury in the world would convict me here (because the thing I did is not a crime). Still!!! I had a really wonderful run of shows on the west coast last week, and I want to thank everyone who came out in San Francisco and Seattle and Portland to hear some jokes! This set is really falling into place to record in *counts unnecessarily on fingers* about five weeks. 

I don’t make it out west as much as I’d like (I’m hoping to make a little LA trip at some point this summer, historically the best time to visit Southern California), and I always have such a good time doing shows and over-scheduling myself into the ground. I’m a fairly consistent extrovert (Maris likes to say it’s amazing I didn’t go more crazy during the early isolated days of the pandemic; I did still go plenty crazy though, don’t worry), so I try to see every person I know in every place I go, which is an emotional thrill and a logistical hell, because I plan everything like three hours in advance. I’m an extrovert, not a calendarvert.

Butter AND Crumble…in this economy? (Sorry! Sorry!)

I had some amazing pastries in San Francisco with Dom and Jess (Butter and Crumble recommendation came from the great Lindsay Adams) and some serviceable wings with Andrew (one of my favorite comedians and oldest comedy friends) in Seattle. I had two separate coffees plus dinner plus a post-show drink with four essentially different friends/groups of friends in Portland. And among all the hangouts I got to meet Alex and Ciara from Flagrant Mag in person after being podcast/internet friends for a while!

At least give me a proportional straw!

I drank a lot of coffees, including this tiny one that set the internet aflame with some people threatening to fight any barista that did this to them, other people saying that a teensy little coffee is all they ever need (MUST BE NICE), and Europeans saying that Americans need everything to be too big (sorry we did urban planning over here and have space for normal sized iced coffees).

Last Thursday I had an off-night in San Francisco. Often when I tour, I’m working every night, or I’m traveling through a region where I don’t know a lot of people. My initial plan was to hang out at my hotel and watch the Celtics game, but I realized that because of the concept of time zones (seems fake, but okay) the game ended at 6:30pm. I’d considered trying to hop on a comedy show and tell a few minutes of jokes, and then I saw that my friend Caitlin was playing a show in the East Bay, and I decided to take a real night off and see some live music.

Caitlin is a member of the wonderful folk ensemble Rainbow Girls who I met on the 2023 JoCo Cruise, but she was playing this show with her other band Big Kid Fun. I showed up solo, unclear whether I’d know anybody, but the rest of the Rainbow Girls were there too just hanging out, plus some of their friends who I’d met on the cruise. The whole audience seemed to be only a degree or two removed from one another, and so I think I met probably half of the people there over the course of the night. I’d meant to zip back to SF after Caitlin played, but the energy in the room was so pleasant that I stayed for the other bands too. It is always such a pleasure to get to be welcomed as a guest into a new community, and the show/hangout was so much fun it completely erased my basketball-related foul mood stemming from the Celtics absolute dud of a game against the Cleveland Cavaliers. Unlike on the east coast, I was able to have a full night out after experiencing a Sports Disappointment, and I was able to go to bed in peace afterwards. Maybe time zones aren’t so bad after all.

THIS WEEK: I’m on a podcast about poetry talking about my favorite poem. I also made a brief appearance on the Dad Bod Rap Pod’s 300th episode (congratulations, guys!!!). This Thursday-Sunday I’m going to be in Burlington, VT at the Vermont Comedy Club, one of the best comedy clubs around! Come see me if you’re nearby! And tickets to my 6/13 show in Stamford, CT just went on sale!!!

THIS MONTH: I’m guest co-hosting Butterboy for another few weeks, this month with my buddy Alison Leiby! Come by Littlefield in Brooklyn every Monday to hear us goof around and present an amazing lineup of comics! I’m also running through my hour of jokes again on 5/21 at Union Hall! I’d love for you to buy up the last few tickets for my special taping on 6/21, but if you can’t make it then, come see me do mostly the same set a month earlier! (Later that night I’m running over to catch Gladie playing music in Williamsburg, which I also recommend!)

Okay, time for pep!

ONE MINI PEP TALK I ALREADY POSTED ON TWITTER

No wonder he worked so hard with a mom who was NEVER satisfied.

PEP TALK FOR RFK JR.’S BRAIN WORM

I picture the brain worm having this same face, but a worm body.

So, last week a presidential candidate announced that a worm of some kind had eaten part of his brain and then died in his skull. First of all, bold way for this Habsburg-ass chump to reveal his running mate. I assume it’s Kennedy Jr./Worm 2024, at least. I mean, even if it’s not official, the parasite that chewed on your brain stem the way a cat goes after a USB cord is influencing your policy decisions. I honestly wouldn’t even want to call Kennedy a “presidential candidate” but he (anecdotally) seems to be experiencing a little stirring of support. My friend Joan said she saw canvassers for him in North Brooklyn, and two older women (a more diverse pair than you’d expect too) came into my barber shop to collect signatures in hopes of landing him on the New York State ballot. (My barber’s response: “Politics…never liked ‘em.”)

Not to be ableist, but I don’t think we should have a president who reveals that a worm scarfed down a significant chunk of their central nervous system, only for the overwhelming public response to be: “Oh yeah, that makes sense.” RFK Jr. truly seems as dumb as a guy whose brain has been partially swallowed alive. 

This isn’t your fault though, worm. You couldn’t have known that you were chowing down on the grey matter of an American dynasty’s weirdest scion, a guy who’s historically been such an oddball that it took until now for most people to notice that he was down a few thinking cells. You were just doing your regular stuff. It’s our responsibility not to elect a guy whose head is just a Tupperware full of worm leftovers. This guy was dumb as hell before you got to him, and he’s dumb as hell now that you’re no longer nibbling straight through his synapses. R.I.P. Worm, who I presume died doing what they loved…getting brain. SORRY SORRY IT WAS RIGHT THERE. I’M ONLY A HUMAN COMEDIAN MADE OF FLESH AND BLOOD AND A WORKING BRAIN THAT HASN’T BEEN COMPROMISED BY WORM TEETH (YET).

I hate that a worm’s appetite is influencing our political reality, but worm, buddy, I don’t blame you. I blame everyone with enough metaphorical worms in their brain that they want an anti-vaccine, conspiracy theorizing president. (And lightly I blame the Democratic Party apparatus for trying to insulate President Biden from criticism rather than addressing a clear priority of a swath of his prospective voters and expanding his appeal.) The one upside to this whole situation is that a candidate with a dead worm in his skull is as close as we’ve ever been to having the president that our wildly stupid timeline deserves: A bottle of tequila.

(I said some of this out loud on stage last week, if you’d like to hear and share a few jokes that way!)

PEP TALK FOR A READER

I’ve tightened this up a little for formatting, but you get it.

My long term partnership just ended and at 40 years old in a major city, I have to readjust my expectations for my future financially. I’m moving out near Joshua Tree where I can afford to buy a home (wild level of privilege but still) and it’s fucking terrifying! I know maybe 8 people in the whole desert but it’s just what I need to do to feel stable in the long term. Any pep talk for taking a big leap is much appreciated!
- Just Deserts

Let’s start from the position that this move is exactly what you need at this point in your life. First of all, terrific! Boom! Pep talk…accomplished. 

But, of course, even when a decision is right, it can still feel scary. Moving to the desert in this case seems like having surgery or dropping out of law school. Just because the experience will be front loaded with stress, doesn’t make it wrong. And, unlike most surgeries, you can reverse the decision later if you want. Plus, you’re not going to be living scorpion-style, hiding out in a stranger’s boot. You’ll have a house that you can keep living in as long as you want, or sell and move back to a city (or to another inhospitable climate…an oxygenated pod at the bottom of the sea, perhaps?). 

Not to mention, you know eight people! That’s kind of a lot of people as a starting point. You could form a baseball team or have a little three-on-three basketball tournament or a non-sports example. Maybe you could start two Beatles cover bands and share a Brian Epstein between you. These eight people, unless they comprise a self-sustaining commune, know other people too, and you’ll meet them plus a bunch of folks new outside this orbit. Besides, the people you know from other places you’ve lived and travels don’t disappear when you move (certain desert-based psychedelic experiences notwithstanding, but those are temporary). You’ve got a life already, and you’ll keep building it wherever you go.

This all sounds great! Whether you stay out at Joshua Tree for a year, or ten years, or the rest of your life (100 years?, medical technology is getting great, if not affordable), you’re doing the thing that you need right now…right now. Good work! Scorpion (adjacent) mode, activate.

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
Chappell Roan - “Good Luck, Babe”

This is another one that’s wounded and sarcastic, but it’s great windows-open bopping around music. I’m a latecomer to Chappell Roan but I’m jealous of my pals who got to chat with her on the most recent episode of Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! This lyric video is very charming in a Microsoft Paint/Powerpoint way. I don’t know! I’m trying to branch out from my usual semi-abrasive indie rock and rap! It’s almost summer, lets’s have some fun.

UPCOMING SHOWS

I’ve got some really fun shows coming up! Come see one! More NYC spots are listed on my website, and more road dates are coming soon! OH ALSO: In May I’ll be BACK guest cohosting Butterboy at Littlefield with my friend my good buddy Alison Leiby every Monday! :)

5/13: Butterboy at Littlefield in Brooklyn

5/16-5/18: Vermont Comedy Club (Burlington) (Five shows!)

5/20: Butterboy at Littlefield in Brooklyn

5/21: Running My Hour Set at Union Hall (Brooklyn)

5/22: Pizzazz with Gary Gulman at Union Hall (Brooklyn)

5/23: Wrong Answers Only at Symphony Space (NYC)

5/27: Butterboy at Littlefield in Brooklyn

6/8: Helium Comedy Club (Philadelphia) (4:30pm show!!!!)

6/13: New York Comedy Club - Stamford, CT

6/15: Kismet Improv Theater (Pawtucket, RI) (EARLY SHOW SOLD OUT! LATE SHOW ADDED!!!)

6/21: NEW SPECIAL TAPING AT THE BELL HOUSE IN BROOKLYN (Late show tickets on sale now!)