#91. Olympic Losers and You
Sometimes you're more pole than vault, and that's okay.
Hi everyone,
It’s been quite an eventful week! Not for me personally, but more people than usual seem to be winning Olympic medals lately. (Has anybody looked into that?) Maris and I got immersed in Saturday’s coverage (rowing, another dominant Katie Ledecky victory, men’s gymnastics) and realized that not only are we not qualified to compete in the games, for some of the more technical events we’re not even qualified to watch them. Is a twist worth more points than a flip? How much run of the mill horse stuff does a dressage horse get to do before it gets penalized?
Last week, social media was full of talk about which Olympic sport people thought they could give the most credible performance at. (For my part, I say vault! I wouldn’t do anything impressive, but I think I could make it over cleanly and maybe do like one somersault or something and people would be like “oh maybe he pulled his hamstring on the way over but he still gave a valiant effort because he has the heart of a champion.” Or maybe something slightly less grandiose.) But while we were watching over the weekend, Maris and I became curious about which competition we’d give the most dreadful showing in.
I would break the embarrassing possibilities into three categories…
Things you just physically can’t do. This to me might be the most purely humiliating category for me. Just the idea of struggling to mount a horse or pull myself up on a set of rings as my allotted time bleeds out makes me want to burrow into the earth like a prairie dog.
Events where you’d visibly get your ass handed to you by the other competitors. Races, tennis (both table and land). Enormous potential here to be memorialized in a truly demoralizing photograph or video clip.
Competitions that actively endanger your life. I’d say this is less embarrassing and more terrifying. Sure, you’d earn ridicule for life by shooting a quiver full of arrows* wide of your target. But flying off a ski jump and coming apart like a rock ‘em sock ‘em robot is inarguably a worse outcome. Boxing and bobsled are other entrants into this category (as members of my childhood friend group chat have pointed out). *Maris says (and I agree) that the gun shooting events are maybe the least upsetting to completely biff because it’s like bang bang bang done, and it all looks the same except there are no holes in the paper at the end.
Without a moment’s hesitation, Maris said she’d most fear the humiliation of having to skateboard, and that makes a lot of sense. Anything with specialized equipment and all the attention on you is a recipe for disaster. But I think my most dreaded event would be a gymnastics floor routine. You’re just out there for SO long by yourself, and I have NO skills. Fifteen seconds in, I’d be resorting to the Macarena and/or failing to do The Worm.
Maris also brought up any race where there would be a picture of you several meters behind the rest of the field as a terrible option. And that sounds bad for sure. But imo in a short enough race (100 meter dash for example) even if you set an all-time low mark for the Olympics, you’re still only a few seconds behind everyone else. It’s not like a marathon, where they’re taking down the mile markers and cleaning up at the finish line, while you’re still running through the city for an hour and a half.
What do you think? Which Olympic event would you most fear being compelled to compete in?
Also last week I went to see The Mountain Goats with my friend Robert, and we had a great time. I had never seen them live before, despite (as someone on Twitter or Bluesky pointed out) I look like my whole deal is always going to see The Mountain Goats when they are in town. This is maybe the longest time I’ve spent being a fan of a band before seeing them in person. I got into the group the summer after my sophomore year in college when I was living on campus and didn’t have a lot of friends around, but I became acquaintances with a young woman who worked at the cafe in the student center and had a show on the school’s radio station. One day she played “This Year” off of the newly-released Sunset Tree album, and I was like…oh hell yeah what is this it really captures my vibe these days. It was like a scene from a movie. I think I went out and found the album on CD after that. So thanks, Jess, who I think I am still Facebook friends with maybe?
The next night (after last Wednesday, not after that summer day in 2005), Maris and I attended a performance that included a magician with strong Christian Rock energy. It’s weird to do motivational speaking and magic at the same time, because one of those things is always going to be a lie, so why would I trust the other one? I was recognized several times at the Mountain Goats show but not at all at the other show, which involved standup comedy as well as inspirational magic. This means (I think) that my demographic is “guys who like the same bands as I do” more than it is “comedy fans” which honestly sounds about right.
On Saturday we went to a little party (Happy birthday to Elphie, a perfect dog!), and Alison Leiby and I hosted an incredibly fun Sup, Bro? show at Union Hall. Thanks to everyone who came and to Adam Conover, Brittany Carney, Shalewa Sharpe, and Emmy Blotnick for crushing. Maybe we will be doing these more regularly in the future? STAY TUNED!
One last description of a day: On Friday I was supposed to perform in Jamestown, NY at part of the Lucille Ball Comedy Festival. As you can tell by the “supposed to” … I did not make it to Western NY. (I was a last-minute fill-in, and an even last-er minute cancellation due to weather.) I woke up at 6am to see that my flight had been delayed by two hours. Then, on my way to JFK (the airport, not the dead guy), I got a follow-up notification that said PSYCH! WE’RE ACTUALLY LEAVING 70 MINUTES EARLIER THAN WE TOLD YOU! So I missed that flight, and transferred to a later one, which was delayed by 90 minutes and then cancelled. In the interim I went to the Palm restaurant which from the outside seems wildly decadent, and on the inside does feature the airport’s most comfortable chairs, which is the nicest thing I can say about the food. After my flight got cancelled I walked all the way across the terminal to the help desk where I was told that no flights leaving that day would get me to my destination in time. The very lovely festival organizers asked me if I could make it from JFK to LaGuardia to catch a later, last ditch effort flight, which I did! I took a cab from airport to airport and got on a plane which sat on the tarmac for over two hours because of nearby storms and then returned to the gate. At that point, I’d missed my show, and I got in a cab home. While I was on the way to my apartment, my friend Neena called me, which was very nice and cheered me up as I concluded my 11-hour travel day that took me roughly 25 miles from home in total. Hopefully I’ll see you soon, Buffalo area!!! Sorry I didn’t make it out your way last weekend.
One place I WILL be going soon (weather permitting) is Denver, Colorado! I’m performing in this year’s High Plains Comedy Festival this September alongside a TON of my favorite comedians! I’ve never performed in Denver before, and I can’t wait! There are still some festival passes for sale if you want to see a bunch of shows, which why wouldn’t you?
Okay that’s enough out of me for now! On to the rest of the newsletter…which, yes, I also wrote. It’s a different thing though. I will not be explaining how.
PEP TALK FOR A FALLEN POLE VAULTER
With all the disgusting, transphobic talk about people’s genitalia and what that means for their athletic performance at these Olympics, one athlete did actually have the results of their competition influenced by their sexual organs. A French pole vaulter named Anthony Ammirati seemed poised to clear the bar until—and let me try to put this as politely as I can—his big floppy dick knocked the fucking thing over.
This isn’t the first instance of a guy’s penis ruining his life; I know several men who have accomplished that feat. But it is the most notable instance of someone’s Olympic performance being derailed by a length of pipe since Nancy Kerrigan was assaulted in 1994. (Shout out to hometown hero Nancy Kerrigan. Out of loyalty to her, my parents refused to watch the movie I, Tonya, and I think that’s beautiful.)
Look, Anthony (or as I now call you: “Tone the Bone”), you’ve probably been training your whole life for this moment, and to have your vault ruined by your own pole must be painful, both emotionally and physically. But instead of achieving your dream of becoming an Olympic medalist in the pole vault whose name nobody knows, you have accidentally become the most famous active pole vaulter on the planet. And the way you went out has got to open up some new possibilities for your career. Maybe you could appear in an ad for baguettes. Or at the very least, you could learn a better tucking strategy on a very special episode of Ru Pole’s Drag Race.
Congratulations on your future of living high off falling low off the hog.
PEP TALK FOR A READER
I’ve done a little condensing of this request for brevity and such!
Hi Josh,
Things have been tough since my partner and I got married. It's only been two months, but it feels like so much longer because of everything that's been happening. We moved to a new area last year, and we hardly know anyone here. Plus, my partner didn't have a job lined up and still hasn't found one. The financial stress is really getting to us, and we fight about money a lot. Our rent is way too high, and it feels like everything is just piling up.
On top of that, we don't really have a community here. We feel so isolated, and it's been hard to find our place. I can't help but feel sad and wonder if we made a mistake. But at the same time, I know we left the big city for good reasons; it was so stressful. I just need some words of encouragement or advice.
- F
F is right, as in “F this.” Two good months in a marriage pass by like a single sweet gust of a cool spring breeze. Two bad relationship months can make it feel like a rhinoceros has been standing on your head since the day you were born. (I think that’s what e = mc squared means.) But! It’s only been two months so far, which is a drop in the bucket compared to the commitment you just made to be together until at least one of you dies, an option I do not recommend for fixing this current situation. It’s probably also a relatively short stretch compared to the balance of how long you’ve been together, which counts for something too. I’m sorry you’ve hit the “richer or poorer” part of the vows so early, but here you are! Maybe it’s good to get it out of the way right up front?
Money stress is so acute, and what makes it trickier than other kinds of relationship issues, is that the real solution is often just having more money, which you can’t decide to do without someone…paying you money or giving it to you. I guess you could find some kind of mythically accurate treasure map that you’re able to follow as a couple, but that doesn’t happen so much these days (is anyone looking into this?).
It sounds like you and your partner get along much better when you are both employed, which is understandable. And that situation will come to pass again. Most of the time most people who need jobs have jobs. Chances are, at some point, your partner will find a job and the not-enough-money issues you’re having now will turn into (at worst) we-could-still-use-a-little-more-money-but-we’re-making-it-work problems. Not ideal, but a massive upgrade, in my opinion.
In terms of craving community, that’s something you can start working on…whenever. And you may have to do some work. Here’s the problem with looking for community in a place you just moved: The people you live near have it already. They don’t need new friends because all their friends are right there. You happened to set up your brand new friendship shop on a block where everybody gets their friendship from the local mom and pop on the corner. That’s not to say you won’t be welcomed and given the opportunity to sew yourself tightly into the fabric of your new home in the long run. But you will for sure have a better time cultivating the kinds of relationships you’re looking for if you are proactive.
You left the big city because it was stressful, but you’ve leapt from one stressful situation into another because without the aforementioned treasure chest full of money, life is full of stressors and complications and setbacks. But you and your partner are teammates in this struggle to achieve just a shot glass full of lukewarm American Dream. You’ve got each other, and you can build outward from there!
Also, obviously, you can break up if you want. I’m not a never break up guy. But two months of money trouble and moving to a new place all at once seems like the call is coming from outside the house, and you can figure this out. But what the hell do I know? Not even you or your partner’s full name!
PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
Snail Mail - “Tonight, Tonight”
The great D.C. Pierson alerted me (via an Instagram story) to this excellent cover of the Smashing Pumpkins classic, which I think legitimately qualifies as “classic rock” at this point. (Sorry, people my age! We’re old now!) It’s a song that I have loved for years, even though every time I hear the lyric “we’ll crucify the insincere” I chuckle to myself and think: “Okay, that’s a bit much isn’t it Billy?”
Another great new thing is that my friend David Gborie of the All Fantasy Everything and My Momma Told Me podcasts has put out his first hour-long special which you can purchase on his Patreon. David is so loose and present in the room with the audience, and the way it’s shot in a small room in the round, with the whole crowd right up on David gives the whole piece a fight club level of intensity. The cutaway shots from directly above his head showing him surrounded by the audience are really cool and striking! I recommend it!
UPCOMING SHOWS
I’ve got a bunch of NYC dates coming up, and then a few back on the road! See you there?!?!
8/6: Cassie and her CRUSHES at Union Hall (Brooklyn)
8/6: Tuesdays at the Red Room with Emily Wilson (New York City)
8/8: The Comedy Cellar (10:45 show)
8/16: Young Ethel’s (Brooklyn)
8/17: Opening for Natasha Vaynblat at Union Hall (Brooklyn)
8/20: Comedy Juice at Gotham Comedy Club (NYC)
9/5: Wait Wait Standup Tour (Ft. Lauderdale, FL)
9/6: Wait Wait Standup Tour (Orlando, FL)
9/7: Wait Wait Standup Tour (Tampa, FL)
9/8: Wait Wait Standup Tour (Atlanta, GA)
9/20-9/21: High Plains Comedy Festival (Denver) MORE INFO SOON!
I think it would be diving. I would be on the edge out there, looking down, and trembling head to toe. I would start crying for mommy and screaming like that time when I was 8 at the YMCA pool.
I'd turn the high jump into my own personal limbo event. The pole vault would be less dangerous than it appears because before I could get in the air and break my neck upon landing, I'd surely impale myself on the pole. As for the water events, (cue Martin Short) I'm not a strong swimmer, so the risk of drowning is really a bummer.