#97. Indoor Vapers and You

Fauuuuuuuuuxin'. (Like "ssssssmokin'" but with fake smoke.)

Hi everyone,

I’m going to TRY to be brief this week because I’m kind of in the thick of a bunch of little professional things converging, and also admittedly a couple of lunch dates with friends that I don’t want to cancel. So newsletter, you’re getting squeezed this week.

I had a terrific and always-too-brief trip to Boston last weekend for the live This Week In Esoteric Political History live podcast, which will be released online in October. It was a blast being onstage with the show’s brilliant hosts! Plus I had an incredible speed run of fortuitous Bostonian experiences: A visit with my family, a cannoli from Mike’s Pastry, an incredible parking spot, and a WILDLY botched Dunkin’ order. As often, I felt emotionally overwhelmed by personal history while zipping down Storrow Drive in my mom’s Prius by myself late at night.

I also successfully saw St. Vincent, the Old 97s (at long last!), and Charly Bliss play live, which I mentioned last week, but was not 100% confident I’d be up for. All the shows were very good, but it was especially wonderful seeing my pals in Charly Bliss tear through their new songs live. There’s a texture and dimension to their recent album that’s even more vibrant in person. And the band members’ love for each other is so evident onstage. I got to talk to them all a little bit about it when I was writing the bio for Forever, but their mutual affection radiates through the room and makes their shows feel so joyful. I especially loved seeing singer/guitarist Eva Hendricks and guitar player Spencer Fox playfully head butt each other during instrumental sequences in a way that I’m not sure baby rhinos actually do, but you can picture it, right? I think Eva’s mom might read this newsletter, and if so: Hi, Eva’s mom! It was so nice to see you there!

On Sunday I hosted a panel for this big day of conversations and performances put on by lefty magazine Jewish Currents. I felt lucky to sit onstage and talk with a group of people who work so hard at living their principles despite working in entertainment.

While I was at the event, a bunch of friends AND SEVERAL ENEMIES (jkjkjkjk) and many strangers won Emmy Awards! And many friends (and strangers) lost their categories too. Speaking from experience: It is an honor just to be nominated, but it’s more fun to win. (This year I did neither, which was also fun but not particularly notable!)

Tonight at Union Hall (in Brooklyn) is the first ever Frankenstein’s Baby live show! It’s a great and bimonthly standup show hosted by me, Alison Leiby, Joyelle Nicole Johnson, and Tyrone Thornhill in rotating combinations. Donwill is going to DJ the show (thank goodness) and the wonderful Jordan Ashleigh is producing it!! Tonight the lineup includes Sabrina Wu, Shalewa Sharpe, and Alex English! Ridiculous!

On Wednesday I’m opening for my friend

Aparna Nancherla

(who is a genius) at the Bell House! I think a few of my new jokes are finally shaping up to the point where I can trot them out at a show like this. Get ready to hear about my parents’ email address (singular), audience!!!

I’m so psyched to go to Denver this weekend for the High Plains festival! Here are the shows I’m doing, if you’re curious. And I’m going to try and hang out and see a bunch of pals do their shows as well (hi, All Fantasy Everything)! See you there, Denver?

PEP TALK FOR INDOOR VAPERS

No one notices you’re holding one of these at all!

Cigarette smoking has been on the decline for years, which is great for public health but difficult for people who want to leave their job for fifteen minutes every two hours. Maybe we’ll see “having IBS” take over as a new trend, but I’m not holding my breath. Speaking of breathing out…

The dip in people ripping butts (what they actually call it where I’m from) has occurred hand in hand with a rise in vaping. I’m not breaking any news here; by now we’re all familiar with the sweaty little computers that people suck nicotine mist out of. Maybe it’s a healthier habit than inhaling a campfire every day, or maybe sucking up a cloud of chemicals the likes of which you normally see billowing out of an operational paper mill isn’t great either. Who can say?

What I do know is that while vaping has exploded in popularity, it’s still outlawed in many places, especially indoors. And yet, for reasons that are probably totally healthy and not at all signs of a problem, people continue vaping indoors in a way that they might describe as “surreptitious” but in reality is extremely obvious.

We’ve all seen these undercover vapers, cupping their devices in one hand, the way you’d hold a twenty-dollar bill you’re about to slip to a maitre d in hopes of jumping the line. They lean downwards, hand to face, like they’re whispering a secret to their fingers. Then, a few seconds later, they exhale a sweet vapor, as if announcing that they’ve just chosen a new Pope of Candyland.

Indoor vapers, relax. You are fooling literally no one. It is outrageously difficult to hide the fact that you’re emitting steam. That is the whole premise of teapots. It’s not, like, courteous to commit this act of attempted obfuscation the way it’s polite to sneeze into your elbow. So what’s the benefit of this performance?

Stop gaslight (vaporlighting?) us! Just do your thing. No one will be mad at you except flight attendants and waiters, who are already actively ignoring your rule-breaking because conflict is hard and they don’t want the (fake) smoke.

Or simply go outside, the way smokers have for years, since people realized they could avoid their own hair and clothing reeking for days if they just asked people to keep their open flames outdoors.

PEP TALK FOR A READER

I didn’t edit this request at all. JUST SO YOU KNOW.

Hi Josh! I would love a pep talk. I just had to defer my entry to my first marathon after months and months of training. I strained a calf muscle and the race date was too soon to heal and continue training in order to run.
- Half Calf

Ahh shoot noooo! What a drag! It sounds like you were really excited to run this first marathon, and you aren’t doing it because someone is chasing you 26.2 miles while wielding a chainsaw, which is what it would take for me to participate in this kind of athletic event. (I would be chainsawed to pulp and splinters before I hit mile five.) If I were giving this pep talk to me, it would go: Hey, at least now you don’t have to run a marathon, which I assume you’re doing because you lost some kind of high-stakes bet, me. But I’m not writing to me. That’s a gimmick I try not to go back to all that often. I’m writing to you. So to you I say…

You got so close this time!!! And it sounds like you will recover and be able to run again, even if it won’t be in time to compete in this particular marathon. That’s already a lucky break on the scale of injuries that can happen to human legs. Honestly, I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but that’s so much more important than running a specific marathon. My grandmother used to always say “Wear it in good health!” when she gave me or my sister a garment, and I never understood it when I was a kid (who had the good luck to be in good health most of the time). But as an adult I’m like…yeah, the good health part is probably a bigger deal than the sweater. If you could give someone good health itself as a birthday present, they’d take it every time.

There will be other marathons, and you’ll get back into fighting shape. (I know you are running, not fighting, but I still imagine you have to fight the urge to just…stop running.) People love running marathons. They hate when I point out that for a group of people obsessed with athletic achievement, it is the ultimate participation trophy culture. I know dozens of people who have run marathons, not a soul who’s won the fuckin’ thing. You don’t wear a medal for finishing a pickup basketball game or a flag football tournament.

Still, I understand the celebration (and am pro-trophy in general). Completing a marathon is a triumph of a human being over their own body, which even though I’m not a runner, I understand as someone who routinely does things that make me feel horrible, seemingly to spite my own corporeal form. And so, with that in mind, finishing the marathon you sign up for when you’re finally recovered and ready will be an even more wonderful victory. You will have overcome MORE adversity and persevered through even FORMIDABLE-ER conditions. Your body doesn’t want you to do this AT ALL, but your brain is like “fuck you, body” and I think that’s beautiful, and it’s going to feel (emotionally) amazing (AND physically horrendous). You can do this, for some reason, or for no reason at all!

PICK-ME-UP SONG OF THE WEEK:
The Old 97s - “Rollerskate Skinny”

The Old 97s are maaaaybe Maris and my #1 car trip listening band. They have so many perfect songs. The records contain so much specificity, but they never sacrifice emotional impact or sonic impact. He sings bridge at the end (“I believe in love/But it don’t believe in me”) with such wistfulness that it’s impossible to doubt that someday love will find him. It reminds me of the line from the (roughly contemporary) movie Adaptation about how it’s more important to focus on what you love than what loves you! I think that’s so beautiful and heartbreaking, to believe that putting love into the world is more important than having it reflected back at you in a specific way. I listened to this song five times in a row on repeat on the Amtrak on Saturday. Now you try!

UPCOMING SHOWS

I’ve got a bunch of NYC dates coming up, and then a few back on the road! See you there?!?!

9/16: FIRST EVER FRANKENSTEIN’S BABY SHOW AT UNION HALL (Brooklyn)

9/17: Industry Lounge (Huntington, Long Island)

9/18: Opening for Aparna Nancherla at the Bell House!!! (Brooklyn)

9/20-9/21: High Plains Comedy Festival (Denver) MORE INFO SOON!

9/23: New York Climate Week Event

9/25: Ambush at Ebbs Brewing (Brooklyn)

9/26: Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me Radio Recording (Kansas City)